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Tuesday, 10 April
Ask Izzle Pfaff!

As the internet continues to embiggen, I notice certain . . . communities coming together to help its members out. Where before you had to either 1. figure out your own stupid life or 2. beseech sages such as Erma Bombeck or Marilyn vos Savant or [insert astrologer here] for advice, now you can ask several of the anonymous maniacs who happen to frequent the same websites as you for help! Got a droopy dick? Maybe FARK can help you! You'll at least get some good Photoshop jokes. Got a fellow marine biologist who always farts in the diving bell? Hie thee hence to Yahoo! Answers for several pages of "LOL FARTZ" comments! Or you can always head to the cream of the crop, Ask Metafilter--disclaimer: I am a member--for the best of the best. On AskMe (as it is known), you can always count on the bottom line, the best research, the most cogent analysis from an impressive crowd of people you've never met and have no reason to trust.

But that's mean. AskMe is often quite an amazing resource; it's made even more impressive by the fact that this "community" of thousands of sun-deprived gripers frequently give good advice. Predictably, however, you have to wade through pounding waves of horrible bullshit to find it. And then, when you do find it, you have to sit there a moment and worry about the fact that this community--like all communities--is filled with a colorful band of assholes, half of whom hate the other half; a full two-thirds who are illiterate or insane; an unidentifiable portion who are basement-dwelling hate-wraiths; ten percent who are axe-grinding creeps, possibly with real axes; and your average random smattering of mean-spirited shitheads. But somewhere in there are some good answers! Usually.

Well, I figured, I can do this. I can give shitty advice and nonfactual answers! I do it all the time. "Hey, Skot, what's up? I got a fucking parking ticket," someone might say. And my reply would be, "I guess you shouldn't have parked like a goddamn idiot." See? And maybe next time they won't! I was born for this. So I asked several friends to send me in some questions for me to answer. I can't wait to enrich their lives. And since you're reading this, yours.

Dear Skot,

I want to make a mix tape for my gal. She really likes Richard Thompson, Diamanda Galas, Yma Sumac and Chylandyk throat singing. Any suggestions?

You sound depressed. Have you considered therapy? I am not a doctor, and this should not be taken as medical advice.

(Look, don't tell anyone I said this, but seriously, she's fucked up.)

Dear Skot,

I saw this movie once about a robot chick that fucked a dude. It's driving me crazy. I think it came out in the 80s.

You are thinking of the immortal Cherry 2000, which starred Melanie Griffith, Harry Carey Jr. and a young Laurence Fishburne as "Glu Glu Lawyer." I have yanked it countless time to this timeless piece of smut.

Alternatively, you are thinking of Body Double, which starred Melanie Griffith, Craig Wasson and Dennis Franz, in which she robotically fucks some guy and admonishes him not to come on her face.

Or, now that I think about it, you may be remembering Shining Through, which starred Melanie Griffith, Liam Neeson and Joely Richardson, in which Griffith claws up your pantsleg, scrabbles at your crotch and screams, "This is an important movie!" right before you wake up in a cold sweat, thinking about that one time that friend of yours actually watched this movie and told you about it.

Dear Skot,

Remember that one time? Wasn't that the best?

Yeah. No.

Dear Skot,

I've always been a big girl, and really, I'm cool with that. The thing is, I've met this guy--he's skinny--and while we click so well, I can't help but wonder if he's just a "chubby chaser." I really like him a lot, and I like myself a lot, just the way I am, but sometimes I can't help but feel like I'm his little fetish project. I don't know if I'm being silly or what. I want to trust him! But I don't know how. Help!

Lose some weight, widebody. Gross.

Dear Skot,

Hi. So a lot of people wouldn't even think I have anything to complain about, but here's the thing: I'm a pretty college girl, blonde, no trouble getting attention, about 5 foot 9, 105 pounds. I'm pretty happy, get a lot of dates, but a lot of times, it feels like my heart is a lawnmower engine and that I might fall over and die into my pallet full of dry crackers! Is there something wrong with me?

There sure is. You have an eating disorder, fatstuff. Get some exercise and for God's sake, consult a nutritionist for some serious advice on how to drop some of those extra pounds. And can we lose the "victim" tone? That's not attractive to anybody.

Dear Skot,

So I've been seeing this guy on the side. He's all I want in a mate: he's a famous, wealthy, piratical glass artist from right here in the great Pacific Northwest. The bullet is, he loves handjobs, and I love to administer them. The problem is, he comes so hard! He's always blasting out my tracklights with his freaky ejaculations! He never offers to pay for the replacement bulbs. What's the best way to approach him about this? I'm tired of making lame excuses to Home Depot about always replacing these things.

Tie him to the bed, put on Richard and Linda Thompson's Shoot Out the Lights, and say "Now think about what you've done!" Then leave him there to die.

(This is not legal advice, and I am not your lawyer.)

Dear Skot,

I wake up. I go to work. I come home. I eat. And that's all I've got. This is no way to live. What do I need to do?

Ouch. This is a tough one. Have you considered making a fun mix tape?

Thursday, 30 March
Miss Julie

The other day, some friends were talking about, improbably enough, Julie Newmar. Well, all right. Pretty lady in her day! Then I went to check out her IMDB listing to see how the years treated her.

Oh. Um . . . well.

There's, ah, Dance Academy from 1988. User comment?

"Certainly this is a bad movie, but gosh darn it I spent many an hour in my early teens watching and rewatching it. I always dreamed i could perform one of those cheesy fairytale romance dance number and be whisk someone way. And then there is a real gulity pleasure sappy romance ballad that is made completely for the sheer purpose of making girls and young fags (like moi) swoon with Glee!!!"

But at least she got to work with the legendary Galyn Görg.

1988 seems to have been good to Ms. Newmar, for she also appeared that year in Nudity Required, directed by John T. Bone. Outstanding. User comment?

"If want to see a classic Hollywood T & A film of the 80s, this is it. Add Julie Newmar, Troy Donahue, a final "Love the Bomb" Soviet element, and they make it a real Classic. Actually, very clever script -- I loved the auditions in bikinis!!!!"

This movie also featured Troy Donahue. God, I love IMDB.

1990 didn't leave Julie behind, though! That was the year she appeared in the not-at-all creepy John Derek movie, Ghosts Can't Do It. With Anthony Quinn. And, of course, Bo Derek.

Tagline: Only her desire can make him rise again.

But if I had to choose, I think my very favorite has to be this one: the movie known as Cyber-C.H.I.C. from 1989. There's a lot going on here, so much so that I think my brain gets cooked in its own overheated cerebrospinal fluid from trying to apprehend it all.

Let's start small, with the plot synopsis: A cybernetic agent is assigned to break up a drug smuggling ring.

Okay! How about the infamous user comments? Well . . . I'd better blockquote this.

I've got a little confession to make. I'm one of the easiest-to-please movie goers out there. I liked BALLISTICS: ECKS VS. SEVER. I liked THE TUXIDO. I enjoyed MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE so much I saw it almost to the point of having it memorized. Hell, I was even entertained by JOHNNEY MENOMIC. So what does all this have to do with ROBO C.H.I.C.? (Or Cyber Chick or whatever) Just this: when I think a movie was hard to sit through and it's not some intellectual, artsy, slice-of-life film, you know it's BAD. Half of what makes it so painful to watch is the fact that the actress who plays the title character tries WAY too hard to act like an emotionless robot. (Maybe she should've just tried acting "normal", snicker.) The rest of the cast isn't much better, everyone tries to be funny and ends up just being annoying. Of course the film does try to be intentionally goofy, as a spoof of ROBO COP, it's just that it ends up being so in an irritating way instead of a genuinely funny, entertaining way. It's been years since I saw this so I can't remember much about the plot or so many of the things wrong with it, just the general way it made me felt. What's more, the only ways I would ever see this a second time was if someone stuck a gun to my head or eles offered me a minimum of a thousand dollars and I knew he was good to his word. AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE!

There's a lot to love here, from THE TUXIDO to the title character (that would be the wonderfully named Kathy Shower, Playmate of the Year, 1986) who tries too hard to act emotionless to the fact that the guy basically doesn't remember anything about the movie anyway.

But all this, really, comes to nothing when you look at the cast list. This is where the movie achieves greatness on the page. Here is a cropped version for maximum holy-fuckness.

Kathy Shower
Burt Ward
Julie Newmar
Lyle Waggoner

I . . . I love this. I should note that most of these actors don't even have character names listed, except for Ms. Shower, who is the Robo-CHIC in question. There is, however, another actor listed who DOES have a character name given. The actor is benignly listed as one Mr. Peter Johnson. His character's name?

I have been living on this Earth only for the moment I read it. Peter Johnson's character's name is "Gimp, the Satan's Onion."

This is the best series of words I've ever read in my life. I may quit writing in honor of the magnificence of such a phrase. Enjoy the whole troubling history, courtesy of IMDB, the site that has basically made humor blogs unneccessary.

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0628325/

Friday, 20 June
Overview Of My Amazon Gold Box

Mad About You - The Complete Second Season - [DVD]

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHH! AAAHHHHHHHHH!

OXO Good Grips Salad Spinner - [Kitchen]

I actually have one of these already. I have an unhealthy fantasy about putting a cat in it and letting it rip, for some reason.

Koss PP260 Slim Digital AM/FM Armband Radio with Clock, 20 Pre-Set Station Memory and Blue, Yellow and Red Interchangeable Faces - [Electronics]

This just hurts my mind. In this age of iPods, portable CD players and the like, they're trying to sex up a fucking radio? This seems like trying to hawk tricked-out unicycles at a muscle car rally. Although I do like the concept of "interchangeable faces." I could use some more interesting faces myself.

Maid in Manhattan - [DVD]

God, Amazon, YOU DON'T KNOW ME AT ALL! Is Ralph Fiennes the worst possible choice for the lead in a romantic comedy?

A: Yes.

Microsoft Intellimouse Explorer - [Electronics]

An almost narcoleptically boring proposition. Plus, an "intellimouse" sounds like something Alan Moore might craft a graphic novel around. Which, perversely, I would conceivably buy.

Motorola T5820 2-Way Radio AA (Sunstreak Yellow/Pair) - [Electronics]

It's just like a phone that you can only call one person with! How can I not buy them?

And here's another bonus, from its info page: "This radio requires an FCC license." Fuck, man, is there any downside to this product at ALL?

Linksys WCF12 Wireless-B Network CompactFlash Card (Type I) - [Electronics]

Hey, cool! I have no idea what this is.

Memorex MVD2029 Ultra Thin DVD Player - [Electronics]

The words "Ultra Thin" (a) make me think of girly cigarettes and (b) make me wonder what they've left out of the thing. I tend, probably stupidly, to prefer my home electronics thick and chunky, with lots of buttons and dials and crap that I don't understand.

Sony M-100MC Microcassette Voice Recorder - [Electronics]

What would I possibly do with this? Take it to business meetings? I generally have a fervent desire to forget everything I hear at those. Do you have one of those, Amazon? A mental voice-destroyer?

Atomix 541 - 12" Natural Finish Atomic Clock - [Electronics]

Our society's total nerdification is nearly complete. I frankly never want to be that on time.

Wednesday, 11 June
Sorry About The Assiness

It seems that our host went on a ketamine bender; site access and commenting were both botched for the last day or so. My tens of readers who responded with several emails congratulating me on my sudden discovery of restraint will be disappointed to know that posting will resume in the near future.










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