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Monday, 24 May
He'd kneel in his pew and say, "It's just work, all that matters is work."

I've been thinking lately about work. Mostly about how I don't fucking feel like doing at it any more.

Let's look at this empirically. And by "empirically" I of course mean "ridiculously." I mean, seriously, look at all the words that rhyme with "work." Jerk. Murk. Shirk. Lurk. Clerk. Quirk. Smirk. Do any of these words conjure up positive images for you? Don't even get me started on "glurk," which is not a real word, but I choose to think of as something gutterally spoken aloud when prematurely ejaculating. "GLURK! Oh, no, I've ruined your snap-front blouse!" (My hypotheticals tend to be oddly specific.)

"Work" also rhymes with "perk," which might seem to wreck my premise, but as someone who works in the same building as actual statisticians, I will simply throw it out of the dataset as a weird outlier. Similarly, it too rhymes with "Kirk"--the name of the best man at my wedding--but Kirk is being held at The Hague on charges regarding genocide. It also rhymes with "Turk," and not to malign the good people of Turkey, but it's well known by schoolchildren everywhere that the country was named after a spectacularly dumb bird that frequently drowns in the rain.

So, work. Having comprehensively demonstrated above, it blows dead dogs. Therefore, I suggest we stop doing it. I can cite examples of how this can work. Europeans, for example, do not work. Even the hairiest-pitted ogres stand around all 32-hour week doing nothing but getting head, and then they get nineteen weeks of vacation where thy get head all the time at the beach. (See figure 12.*) By contrast, the Japanese work like they are all under the lash, and what do they get out of the bargain? Tentacle porn and noodles. See what work gets you? No blowjobs but lots of natto. Does this sound like a good deal?

Join with me and chant mindlessly! NO MORE WORK! NO MORE WORK! LET'S BURN KIRK!

Ugh, man, carry on without me; I'm wiped out. Gotta get up early tomorrow for . . . yeah.

*Figure 12 does not actually exist.


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Comments

Good news! The Hague dropped the charges. But I can't get my tank out of impound, which blows.

Comment number: 020512   Posted by: Kirk on May 25, 2010 09:23 AM from IP: 207.171.180.101


On a brighter note, ‘work’ is the first word in ‘work avoidance’ which is why most of us visit your blog in the first place.

Comment number: 020517   Posted by: Lung the Younger on May 27, 2010 04:19 AM from IP: 213.97.42.225

Irk. That’s the first one that came to mind for words that rhyme with work.

Other, imperfect rhymes:
Suicide
Kill
Stab myself in the face
Cry all the time

Comment number: 020519   Posted by: Leslie on May 28, 2010 05:43 AM from IP: 209.117.74.78

Getting head at the beach and tentacle porn share a kind of 60s lurking sea-monster horror movie theme. And to that extent they too rhyme. Concurrently, work is bags of poo.

Comment number: 020520   Posted by: Lazy European on June 1, 2010 02:38 PM from IP: 79.97.178.137

Just a note, but your wonderful movie post has been transformed into one huge link to the anniversary post, either due to an html code gone horribly wrong, a nuclear accident, or all that wine you and the missus have been drinking. Not complaining, just making an observation.

Comment number: 020521   Posted by: Dr Paisley on June 6, 2010 07:25 PM from IP: 65.27.43.131

While these don't fall into the "Sound Alike" category for work, they DO fall into the "Look Alike" category:

Pork
Spork
Fork
Cork
Dork
Mork (Yeeesh!!!!)
Björk
Stork
York (as in New)

Equally malignant connotations.

And, no offense to your buddy, Kirk, but the first thought that came into my head at his mention was Kirk Cameron... need I say more?

Must bathe now...

Comment number: 020522   Posted by: Matt on June 9, 2010 06:03 AM from IP: 151.151.109.13

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