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Tuesday, 13 April
I Prejudge Movies: It's Been A While

Oh, boy, it's springtime! You know what that means! It's right before the summer movie blockbuster season where the studios quickly offload their awful second-rate fodder to the masses! It's the most wonderful time of the year, and there's no better time for another round of I Prejudge Movies, where I review movies that I have not seen and probably have no intention of seeing! Hooray? Let's see what swill is about to be dished out to YOU! The unfortunate audience!

Kick-Ass

Tired of comic book superhero movies yet? I hope not! Because here comes Kick-Ass, based on the comic by the ridiculous hack Mark Millar, a comic book author noted mostly for stepping in to destroy established, decent franchises. But maybe I'm being too harsh. Maybe everyone but me really is excited about a movie adaptation of a rock-dumb comic book in which allegedly endearing smart-ass kids (and it's about time Hollywood paid attention to this long-neglected demographic) sass and beat the shit out of dimwit adults. It'll be like Home Alone, only with poorly-constructed hero costumes and no Daniel Stern mugging. Which I think is what everyone has been clamoring for. BONUS POINTS: features one Mr. Stu 'Large' Riley as "Huge Goon." I expect Mr. Riley to be as tremendously winning and large as he was as a bouncer in The Adventures of Pluto Nash, another movie that I have never seen and would not watch at gunpoint, and neither did you, nor would you.

In summary, parents with kids of a certain age, I'm sorry in advance. I recommend bringing a flask.

Death at a Funeral

SUGGESTED VARIETY HEADLINE: "Death at the Box Office." Variety editors: call me!

I like the electrifying tagline listed on IMDB for this . . . object: "This is one sad family." Does this make you want to actually see the movie, even in context? Or does it make you want to sit on the couch and eat Pringles? How about if I told you that the director is Neil LaBute, whose best and only comedy to date was the eye-popping, jaw-dropping, face-mopping spectacle The Wicker Man, a movie so unhinged that when we watched it, all our doors and cabinets fell down? Then we were attacked by angry bees, so we lit ourselves on fire.

This seems to happen a lot when we try to watch LaBute's clumsy, misanthropic hairballs. Except for Possession, which was actually genuinely hilarious. (That's a joke. Literally nobody on earth watched Possession, including the reviewers who wrote reviews about it. They didn't see it. They went into the bathroom and jerked off into their popcorn. Nobody who was unfamiliar with the book could give a shit, and everyone who actually read that terrible book already felt punished enough. It's the first movie ever made that nobody watched, even the cast and crew, who spent red carpet night doing whippets and playing Cranium. The projectionist came closest to watching it as he dolefully sat in the empty theater, but he quickly and mercifully had a massive stroke and died.)

The Back-Up Plan

Hey, did you know that Jennifer Lopez has a prominent, attractive ass? ROLL CREDITS!

Seriously, this could be the most efficient rom-com in recent history. Anonymous white guy falls in love with spicy Latina scat star; J-Lo's underwear comically falls off; someone pitches forward into some sort of cake, dip, or bowl of mustard; wedding! Then anonymous white guy aggressively fists J-Lo while a soulful Elbow song plays. Hollywood directors: call me!

Iron Man 2

This doesn't really properly fit here on this list, as it will definitely be a blockbuster and will make a shit-ton of money. And why not? The first one was certainly a very nice surprise thanks to some awesome casting and a pleasingly light touch. Hell, it opened the door for even more superhero movie roles for Robert Downey Jr,. as evidenced by the recent Sherlock Holmes, in which he played a two-fisted brilliant detective/pugilist/opiate enthusiast/indestructible person.

This movie looks to continue the fun casting choices. It must have been excruciating for the studio execs to finally hit on the plan of casting Scarlett Johansson as the superspy Black Widow, and even more reluctantly squeezing her in black leather and dying her hair red. Even worse must have been when the original Terrence "Rhodey" Howard reportedly asked for ownership of the moon to reprise his role, and the studio balked.

"What are you gonna do, get Don Cheadle? AW HAW HAW!"

(Ten minutes later)

"Good news, everyone! We got Don Cheadle."

A Nightmare on Elm Street

Everyone bitches about about George Lucas--and for good reason--for taking a beloved trilogy (not perfect, mind you--fucking Ewoks) and so utterly crushing it, so relentlessly cashing in on it, so demolishing a legacy that you'd think he'd torched an orphanage. And he deserves all of it.

As does the astoundingly talentless Michael Bay, who has never created anything good in his life. I mean, I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. Perhaps he's a really talented whittler whose house is filled with whimsical little wooden boats. Maybe once he furtively fingered a nun and gave her brief illicit joy. But somehow I doubt it. I suspect he actually spends his downtime at home twisting the heads off of dolls.

And here he comes again, making yet another nihilistic remake of a classic horror film that 1. didn't ever require a remake, and 2. was plenty nihilistic in the first place. But no, we're about to be treated to an "amped-up" microwave version of the goofily fun original, which will likely be poorly lit, filled to brimming with jump cuts and laden with pointless CGI shots of people's weird teeth.

If there is anything to take cheer in this blight of a project, it's that Bay managed to convince Jackie Earle Haley to play Freddy; he is almost always terrific. Not that his (no doubt) effective portrayal of Freddy is likely to hold a candle to his harrowing performance in Little Children, a non-horror film that makes most conventional horror films feel like Heidi.

It has come to this: Michael Bay must be stopped. Preferably murdered in his sleep by a Bill Cosbyish besweatered, horrifically burned psychopath. We must organize. We must convince Dokken to get the band back together. Yes. We must summon the Dream Warriors. (Dokken: call me!)










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