As we all know, last week we celebrated--by which I mean "didn't go to the bank" or "receive mail"--Veteran's Day. My dad is a vet, so my inability to buy stamps was important to me in complicated ways. As it turns out, that particular week ended up being harrowing for me in a way that true veterans can understand. Much like huddling under machine gun fire, I found myself in a similarly nightmarish scenario.

I was compelled to attend a training class on Office 2007.

I WAS THERE! As a fully grown man in a gray ponytail explained how Outlook was now "pretty neat." In fact, everything was "pretty neat," including programs that I routinely do not use, and in fact would actively resist using, such as PowerPoint and Excel.

"You see how you can import all this information from other programs like Access? It's pretty neat!"

Dear Mr. Ponytail:

Not only do I not give the slightest red rubber fuck about Excel, I give an even flabbier red rubber fuck about Access. I do not use either application, and if I did, I would surely put a bullet in my brain. I sure hope you die soon, Mr. Ponytail!

Yrs,

Skot

It was all just horrifying. We spent about fifteen minutes learning about how to put in watermarks into Word documents. My document consisted of the words "Blarg! Snuh! Guh!" Which I then overlaid with a bright orange watermark that read "SCREAM, BLACULA, SCREAM!" I felt I was making progress.

Later, when I was pointlessly learning about the fabulous new version of Excel, I made a column entitled "Pig Corpses." I promptly assigned myself a really impressive quantity of dead pigs, all of whom are destined for ignominy, since I then fucked everything else up and made the table completely unreadable. I hate Excel. On the other hand, I love pork.

I particularly liked the presentation on PowerPoint, another program that I find hideous and that I never intend to use again. Ponytail: "You can import older PowerPoint programs into the new PowerPoint." Hey, that's fucking amazing. It's like saying "You can pump fuel into this old Chevy simply by removing the gas cap!"

"It's pretty neat!" he concluded. I fruitlessly rubbed my temples.

This training session went on for six hours. Our company paid for this. Most likely through the fucking nose. Hey, speaking of, where did the phrase "through the nose" come from? Presumably not through interminable Microsoft training courses, which make me want to relentlessly pick mine, but I don't know. It is entirely possible in my mind that Microsoft only exists in order to make average citizens feel a deep desire to claw around in their sinus passages.

Microsoft: Pick Your E-Nose! It's Pretty Neat!

(PS: Microsoft fully endorses Veteran's Day, and in no way supports the idea of soldiers going back in time to be killed by enemy fire.)