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Tuesday, 02 June
Prejudgment Not At Nuremburg

Jack in the Box seems to be trying to dethrone Taco Bell as the purveyor of "most annoying fucking ads ever" lately. I'm speaking specifically of the stoner-centric ad where the asshole tries to order 99 tacos for two cents at the drive-through. These ads are nearly as insulting as Hollywood's upcoming summer lineup. Let's take a look.

The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3

Leaving aside the perpetual embarrassment that John Travolta has become; leaving aside the goodwill that Denzel Washington seems insistent upon squandering; leaving aside the residual greatness that Luis Guzman continues to exude despite appearing in one out of every three movies ever filmed including Hey, Don't Fuck My Butler!; the inescapable fact exists that this is a Tony Scott movie, and so it will be intolerably awful.

Scott has made approximately one and a half entertaining movies during his zombie reign--True Romance, which my friend Rory probably wisely suggests that benefits from a Tarantino boost, and Crimson Tide, which is a risible submarine movie that is more or less rescued by the nearly unbelievable straight-faced performances that are loaned to Scott interest-free in service to a patently ridiculous movie.

The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3, I am almost positive, will continue to drain my sympathy for Denzel Washington, and will also probably fail to feature a scene where John Turturro is doused with robot urine. And really, what other use is there for John Turturro?

Moon

I like Sam Rockwell, but it's a little precious to shoot a feature film where he just presses his ass against the camera for 87 minutes. Also, it's sort of irritating to give your movie a title that obligates asshole humor bloggers to say things like "M-O-O-N, that spells box office failure!"

What's that? Yes, I do hate myself.

Imagine That

FUCK YOU, HOLLYWOOD! That's YOUR job! I work too hard and too long to imagine things! That's all well and good for the French, who work like 8 hours a week, but we Americans demand you imagine shit for us!

Except that you imagined something with Eddie Murphy and Thomas Hayden Church. Say, would it be okay if I worked sixty hours a week until this film isn't in the theaters any more?

Year One

This might be the most awesomely bizarre collection of comedic talents ever assembled. Will blank-faced Michael Cera be able to withstand the incredible onslaught of muggery that will be brought by Jack Black, Oliver Platt and David Cross? Or will he succumb to the pressures of a John Turturro-like tsunami of robot-urine comedy-face? (Forgive me if I'm stretching this metaphor. I can't seem to let it go.)

You know, I actually like all of these actors, for all of their various foibles. I even have serious affection for Harold Ramis, who, for all his crimes, has made the world a better place with some of his earlier films. But this just looks like a catastrophe.

Tetro

Hey, a chance for Francis Ford Coppola to redeem himself!

Vincent Gallo--Tetro

Or a different thing.


Note: Comments are closed on old entries.

Comments

"...Scott has made approximately one and a half entertaining movies during his zombie reign--..."

You're forgetting 'The Hunger' -- DON'T try to tell us you don't love lesbian vampire films.

Comment number: 019575   Posted by: Nico on June 3, 2009 12:32 AM from IP: 206.212.236.2

Ah, you're forgetting one Jack n the Box commercial, the best commercial ever shown on American TV - "Let's make a Jack Sandwich."

Comment number: 019577   Posted by: Steve Stav on June 8, 2009 11:46 PM from IP: 67.170.9.7

Your writing seems to flow effortlessly. I'm curious: what are your favorite movies? I saw all my favs when I was about 14 or so - Taxi Driver, Bound For Glory, and The Party... which makes me sad cause it shows that 14 was the perfect impressionable age at which to take in film, and that once age & cynicism set in, it has never been the same. The only time I was awed by a movie after that age was when I saw Dog Day Afternoon quite by chance in my late 20s. That, like the others, was created in the 70s, though I saw it on TV in the late 80s instead of when it came out. Though come to think of it I did see McCabe and Mrs Miller the other night on cable and thought it was good.

Comment number: 019579   Posted by: Caroline on June 12, 2009 01:31 PM from IP: 204.146.190.1

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