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Monday, 27 April
World Shut Your Mouth

A MESSAGE FROM THE CDC:

Human cases of swine influenza A (H1N1) virus infection have been identified in the United States. Human cases of swine influenza A (H1N1) virus infection also have been identified internationally. You're all going to die, probably tomorrow. Everyone is encouraged to masturbate before the end times arrive. Hail Dagon, the fish-god! I dreamed that whole hideous crawl, and can yet feel the ooze sucking me down!

An investigation and response effort surrounding the outbreak of swine flu is ongoing. But we've got nothing. [Image of CDC investigator turning out his empty pockets and shrugging.] See? You're fucked.

CDC activated its Emergency Operations Center to coordinate the agency's response to this emerging health threat and yesterday the Secretary of the Department Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano, declared a public health emergency in the United States. So don't worry, citizens. We have deployed someone named Janet. But what can she do? She's just a girl.

It doesn't matter. [The CDC begins openly weeping.] I want a lollipop, mother. [The CDC pulls itself together.]

CDC has issued a number of interim guidance documents in the past 24 hours. Take that, flu! Documents! In addition, CDC's Division of the Strategic National Stockpile (SNS) is releasing one-quarter of its antiviral drugs, personal protective equipment, and respiratory protection devices to help states respond to the outbreak. So one quarter of you will be given debatably effective drugs, and the other three quarters will be given not-debatably useless cloth masks and ossified chicken legs. In these stressful times, Janet recommends voodoo prophylaxis.

WHAT YOU CAN DO TO STAY HEALTHY

Cover your nose and mouth with a tissue when you cough or sneeze. Throw the tissue in the trash after you use it. Do not eat used tissues. Do not rub the tissues into your sister's eyes, unless it's pretty funny.

Wash your hands often with soap and water, especially after you cough or sneeze. DO NOT wash your hands after you take a shit. Dude, that was your ass. Don't even look at your hands. Pretend you have no hands. Type with your chin.

Avoid touching your eyes, nose or mouth. Also your spouse. You don't know where that skeeze has been. And finally, Barry in HR. That fumbling man-whore would fuck a rotten peach. Barry is also a profligate drooler.

The 1918 pandemic strain has polymorphism from swine and human H1N1 in all eight gene segments. Similar swapping of polymorphism in human co-infected with season and swine H1N1 can lead to rapid evolution. Avoid swine, humans, evolution and polymorphism. Jewish isolationist Republican werewolves may be immune to H1N1.

Don't forget to masturbate! We all die alone. It's okay if you're a little sticky.

Summary | Skot | 27 Apr, 2009 |

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Comments

aha haa haa - I'm having no problem typing with my great wall of chin. :)
My bf in the car driving to work today said "oh no, I forgot the Purcell!" and I had no idea what the clodhopper was talking bout.

Comment number: 018843   Posted by: Caroline Dratski on April 28, 2009 07:19 AM from IP: 204.146.190.1

Does reading my own blogs over and over again count as masturbation? Sad substitute to be sure, but all I can get away with here in my work cube.

Comment number: 018846   Posted by: Caroline Dratski on April 28, 2009 08:00 AM from IP: 204.146.190.1

"Avoid swine, humans, evolution and polymorphism." EXACTLY! You should get out there and start spokes-personing on TV.

Note: human beings will not wash their hands to save the race, because only OTHER people are dirty. So extrapolate this way of thinking times 7 billion or however many of us there are and ...well there you have it.

Is it too soon to give props to the Mayans and their 2012 end-times thing? I've already jumped the gun several times on congratulating them for their forecasting saavy.

Comment number: 018866   Posted by: d. on April 28, 2009 07:17 PM from IP: 205.250.255.57

"So, don't worry, citizens. We have deployed someone named Janet. But what can she do? She's just a girl."

Classic Kurruk. Writing like that almost makes me love you.

Almost.

Comment number: 018906   Posted by: Suzanne on April 29, 2009 10:48 PM from IP: 66.235.50.18

Hi, nice post. I have been pondering this issue,so thanks for sharing. I'll definitely be subscribing to your posts.

Comment number: 019540   Posted by: How I Lost Thirty Pounds in Thirty Days on May 4, 2009 05:34 AM from IP: 67.205.85.53

thanks for the tips, i'll definitely try some of your suggestions for weight-loss-ing and flu symptoms. It's good to finally get some straight answers!

Comment number: 019562   Posted by: skinny on May 16, 2009 06:58 PM from IP: 67.149.82.57

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