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Monday, 13 April
Prejudgment; The Blowjob Edition

You know what you probably don't get much of? ESTONIAN COMMENT SPAM! But I get it! Lots of it! I have no idea what the dude is saying, but I think I recognize the phrase "turkey hump," which my grandmother used to babble endlessly about before she went insane and died. Or maybe that was while she was going insane. Perhaps she was always insane; she did used to croon "Tiny Bubbles" to me as a child, which would explain a lot. No defenseless kid needs to have unstable grandmothers howling Don Ho songs about champagne into his face.

Anyway, this is the sort of brain damage that leads someone to post vicious comments about movies that he has no intention of seeing in the theaters. Let's roll!

Earth

When did polar bears become a common trope for piously earthing shit up? I guess we're starting at the beleaguered poles and working our way up to the Equator. Makes sense, I guess--penguins and polar bears, SAVE THE EARTH!--but of course that just makes assholes like me go "Well, wake me up when the otter die-offs start."

Look for 2011 for the sizzling sequels "Wind" and "Fire." Say, how come Air always takes it up the ass?

Obsessed

Here's an example of a film that they just should have folded with the name, like Unfaithful. What more do you need to know? I think I'd be more intrigued by something called Bowling or Mumbly-Peg. So someone is obsessed. WHOO! It doesn't help that that someone appears to be Beyonce, and even less so that Jerry O'Connell appears to be involved in the equation. I'll go ahead and advance my argument--which I have been developing for years--that in any Jerry O'Connell equation, he comes out as negative b. Solve for x and you get Ali Larter. This is why everyone hates math.

State of Play

This is sort of the flip side of something as terrible as Obsessed, title-wise. Trading in thunking obviousness for dimwitted nonspecificity, State of Play opts for a faux-moodiness that, semi-formidable cast aside, it probably will not earn. The producers could have easily opted for the title Plate of Stay and retained the same amount of unearned gravitas, but then again, that was probably the working title when they were filming Marley and Me.

But who knows? I'm happy to be wrong. Tony Gilroy is one of the writers, and he has given me much joy with his Bourne movies and the estimable Michael Clayton. On the other hand, he has drained joy from my life with such atrocities as The Cutting Edge and Armageddon, which is perhaps the most aptly named movie ever made. Then again, he also wrote The Devil's Advocate, which is so frothingly insane that it makes me think of other insane things, like "BJ and the Bear," which contains neither 1. blowjobs nor 2. bears. Basically, people like Tony Gilroy are why I don't sleep at night and instead pace around while screaming.

The Soloist

CHECK THIS SHIT OUT, YO


Robert Downey Jr.
Catherine Keener
Jamie Foxx
Stephen Root

That's three really talented white actors turning up to help out a schizophrenic black cellist! Most films would only spring for one noble white person. I commend the filmmakers for their commitment to really mobilizing caring white people who only want to help the black insane musical homeless community. It's almost as if it's straight out of Hollywood.

Fighting

Sleeping.

Crank: High Voltage

I have been chewing my hands off waiting for this fucking thing. "He was dead . . . but he got better." COME ON! If you don't want to see this, then you are dead inside, or possibly Amy Smart's immediate family. But seriously, what's not to love? It has BAI LING! If you don't read Go Fug Yourself, you rightfully might not know who she is, but all you need to know is that if you put her names together, you get "bailing," and that's pretty fucking awesome. What? You need more? Okay, well try this on for size, cowboy: it also has David Carradine playing a character named "Poon Dong." Still not sold? Two more words: Corey Haim.

*screams*

FOR GOD'S SAKE, PEOPLE! You lapped up defibrillation parties like Moulin Rouge like nobody's business! Jim Broadbent gets played in gay disco bars thanks to that! Does that make any sense to you? What the fuck are you sneering at? You don't want to see Jason Statham fuck Amy Smart in a hippodrome? You're damaged. I can't even talk to you.

Go ahead. Go watch The Soloist. You'll be the only ones there. We'll catch you next time at Iron Man 2. That's the one where Robert Downey Jr. gets gobbled by Gwyneth Paltrow at the county dump. Sweet!


Note: Comments are closed on old entries.

Comments

I didn't know Bai Ling was in the new Crank film! Hooray! I might actually watch it just to see if I can catch a glimpse of her Band-Aids of Truth.

Comment number: 018322   Posted by: Robin on April 15, 2009 01:09 AM from IP: 213.146.131.194


I weep for Gwyneth Paltrow’s fillings.

Comment number: 018326   Posted by: Lung the Younger on April 15, 2009 03:49 AM from IP: 213.97.42.225

Oh, I miss you. BJ and the bear - I laughed my ass off. Thanks.

Marcea

Comment number: 018350   Posted by: Marcea on April 15, 2009 04:46 PM from IP: 71.74.167.75

Skot, you Philistine, the British State of Play (starring the two dudes from the British Life on Mars, the smoking Kelly MacDonald, and David "Not from the Smiths" Morrissey) is really good. The movie is going to stink on ice, though.

Comment number: 018356   Posted by: snark on April 15, 2009 06:53 PM from IP: 69.2.100.75


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Comment number: 018483   Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' on April 18, 2009 09:48 AM from IP: 72.71.123.85

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