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Wednesday, 04 February
We're Overdue For Some Prejudging!

We don't have to dwell on the Super Bowl, really. Well, you can. I really didn't give a fuck, unlike our host Warren, an old Arizona resident who made it clear that anyone in the room who happened to be a Steelers fan was welcome to drink toilet water. Fortunately, everybody else in the room seemed to share my deep uncaringness; I was happy to root for the Cards--who at least made it a great game--if only because Steelers fans are the ubiquitous biting nits of the NFL world. They're everywhere, they're obnoxiously painful, and they swarm.

Along with the Super Bowl, of course, you also get the ads--oh, the ads! You don't want to miss those, either, so the Super Bowl presents real challenges to the average smoker. I don't even want to dwell on the ads, though--Seth Stevenson has that niche pretty much covered, although I was disappointed that he neglected to mention the cut flowers telling the crestfallen cube worker "Nobody wants to see you naked."

A couple of other ads carried fell portents: Transformers 2 is apparently in the works, hopefully--please--featuring even more robotic micturation upon John "Heineken Shaman" Turturro; and, not to be dismissed lightly, Land of the Lost, featuring one of my many nemeses, Will Ferrell. May he be eaten by Sleestaks.

(A lot of my friends--many of whom are sketch comedians--adore Will Ferrell. I emphatically do not, but I only mention this to say that I understand if you think I'm a complete toolbox for thinking this way. I only want to say this: Will Ferrell is not any kind of actor. He's just Will Ferrell. Say what you will about Robin Williams or Bill Murray [to pick a couple easy examples], they are capable of turning in nuanced performances [especially when matched with good directors]. Will Ferrell could dig up Kurosawa to remake Throne of Blood and still find a way to make sure the Macbeth character had a scene in his underwear. Fuck Will Ferrell.)

(I also don't find him terribly funny when he's trying for pure comedy, though he is a gifted mimic and seems fairly fearless, which is a good trait in any performer. At any rate, ask yourself, even if you're a fan of his: is mugging in front of CGI dinosaurs your idea of the best way to exploit his talents?)

I don't promise that I will stop with the parentheses, but now I'm aware of them. Anyway, let's see what else is coming to the movie theaters soon, and let us declare them terrible before even seeing a single scene.

The Pink Panther 2

Speaking of comedians who are capable of layered, complex performances, I am certain that Steve Martin will pull off a bravura performance in this film, much like he did in The Spanish Prisoner, Shopgirl and Cheaper By the Dozen. Plus that movie where dwarves shit on his back for a couple hours; I think that one was an Errol Morris flick.

Jesus Christ, what do you even say about this? Who watches this? Here's a few other prominent slummers in this thing: Jean Reno (okay, he slums professionally), Lily Tomlin, John Cleese, Jeremy Irons, Alfred Molina. WHAT THE FUCK, ALFRED?

There's a common joke/folklore that men sometimes, during sex, think of things like baseball statistics or the quadratic equation to stave off premature ejaculation. I'm a little different; I think of these things as a sort of mental bunker I can retreat to when ads for The Pink Panther 2 show up.

He's Just Not That Into You

Maybe if you bend your ankles back some more. HEY-OH!

This just kills me. A date movie featuring emotionally distant men. Sounds like a winner to me! Perhaps a double feature with "Playboy Presents the All-Shawl Girls."

Incidentally, girls, do you really want Ben Affleck or Justin Long into you? In any sense?

Push*

Thanks a fucking lot, Heroes. I know you're trying to unsuck, but movies like this aren't helping your cause.

This is just Doug Liman's catastrophic Jumpers updated to include more flying cutlery. On the other hand, it might be kind of fun to watch just because of Dakota Fanning. Now listen, I used to hate Dakota Fanning, but she's grown on me as she's, well, grown. This is mainly because that I like to think of how awesome it would be if in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button that Brad Pitt would gradually transform into Dakota Fanning. I think that Charlie Kaufman could script this in like three days.

Friday the 13th

For the fans who have been waiting for the directorial reappearance of Marcus Nispel (the 2003 Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake, 2004's "Bone Thugs 'n Harmony: The Collection Vol. 2"), he's back!

I don't know about you, but I sure can't get enough of the remakes of old, shoddy, nihilistic 80s slasher flicks being remade into shiny new shoddier, more nihilistic, ghastlier films. I mean, don't get me wrong: I'll watch them. I won't enjoy them, but I'll watch them.

On cable. These movies are basically like spending a night drinking Natty Boh and staring at a bug zapper.

*Not to be confused with the OTHER Push, which recently won over Sundance audiences, and which frankly everyone should see. This harrowing yet ultimately human movie features over twelve hours of footage of my mother's excruciating labor. At the movie's climax, I am seen emerging from the womb, clawing at the nurses and wailing "NO! NO! CORD BLOOD IS SO DELICIOUS!"

It's directed by Marcus Nispel, of course.


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Comments

S-

I've never commented here before though I ought to have, like, years ago. I have been reading your blog for AGES. You are hilarious and a fab writer. I have done my best to export your talents to Scotland, where I now find myself. Please please keep writing. I need to keep spitting coffee all over my keyboard because I'm laughing so hard. Invoice for new laptop forthcoming.

Comment number: 017829   Posted by: Ms Tilly Anne Fortescue-Smythe on February 8, 2009 01:46 PM from IP: 193.113.57.167

Oh, I don't know. Definitely not a Will Ferrel fan, and never will be. But he did a splendid job of not ruining Stranger Than Fiction.

Comment number: 017833   Posted by: Lythea on February 9, 2009 02:12 PM from IP: 71.212.66.142

Oh man - you SO owe your mom some flowers this Mother's Day!
Yikes!

Comment number: 017835   Posted by: Barb on February 9, 2009 11:22 PM from IP: 71.158.163.220

I emphatically do not, but I only mention this to say that I understand if you think I'm a complete toolbox for thinking this way. I only want to say this: Will Ferrell is not any kind of actor. He's just Will Ferrell. Say what you will about Robin Williams or Bill Murray.

Comment number: 017865   Posted by: Mike on February 25, 2009 02:33 AM from IP: 114.30.77.16

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Comment number: 017870   Posted by: Kazelxrq on February 27, 2009 10:29 PM from IP: 78.46.93.230

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