skot AT izzlepfaff DOT com
Tuesday, 26 August
After The Fall (Prejudgment)
Watched this weekend: The Bank Job, with good old Jason Statham stolidly refusing to act as usual. Verdict? Surprisingly not very terrible! I mean, it wasn't as life-changing as the frankly incredible Crank, nor was it as 80's-saxophonically transporting as The Transporter, but it was a thing that didn't manage to horrify me, unlike the jaw-dropping Uwe Boll choad-poker In the Name of the King. Well done, Jason!
And then along comes Death Race, apparently for the sole reason of restoring Statham's singularly depressing reputation for allegedly acting in whatever nauseating thing that presents itself. Let's prejudge it first up.
Let us not speak further of Statham, nor let us mention Ian McShane, because . . . let's just not. Let us instead discuss Joan Allen, who has gotten a laughable amount of weird press over her appearance in this astounding pile of crap. Some critics seem personally affronted that Joan Allen has deigned to appear in this drag queen of an action movie.
This kills me.
Does it occur to nobody else that Joan Allen was dying to do a movie like this? Why not spend a couple hours chewing on this cinematic bacon when all she's done for the last fifteen years is play these emotionally brittle fucked-up broads? Here's an abbreviated list of some of her previous movies:
Searching for Bobby Fischer
Jesus. I'm surprised she hasn't just moved to dom-porn yet. Twisting Jason Statham's nuts seems like a moderate exercise considering the logical alternatives.
IMDB tells me:
Veteran-turned-mercenary Thoorop takes the high-risk job of escorting a woman from Russia to America. Little does he know that she is host to an organism that a cult wants to harvest in order to produce a genetically modified Messiah.
With Vin Diesel, Michelle Yeoh, Gerard Depardieu and Charlotte Rampling. I predict that this movie will make eight hundred billion dollars at the box office. If I have any quibble with this movie--which I predict is going to shatter every cinematic record in history--it's just that I wish they had found a way to include Alan Alda in what is otherwise a spectacular, sense-making cast.
Aptly named! Don Cheadle not showing off dialect work? Traitor, indeed. If you love America, you will not see movies where Don Cheadle doesn't speak with an accent. Disgusting.
Awesome. Why not just call it Movie? Or, say, Boobs? Or how about But If We Came In Their Faces, It Would Be Porn? I'm just trying to be helpful.
I'm obviously not the target audience here, but I'm also struggling to think of who is. Is it really college students? And if so . . . are they taking their dates with them? Are their girlfriends really going to put up with this shit? And if so . . . why? Do they hate themselves? Or do they like vengeful after-movie hate-fucking? It's a confusing world.
I can't really talk. I once took a girlfriend to see Bonfire of the Vanities. She rightfully broke up with me a week later. Still.
Anyway, all that said, I do recommend this film to anyone--and I know you're out there--interested in following the career arcs of talented actors such as Drake Bell, Andrew Caldwell, Carolyn Moss, and most especially Wendy Talley, who, as "Kevin's Mom," I can only assume has got it going on.
I . . . I'm so tired.
The funny thing is, while there are certain movies that I'd sooner die than go see in the theaters, there are movies like this that I also think to myself: I cannot fucking wait for this to hit pay-per-view. It's strange how many of these movies seem to feature Nic Cage.
Needs more Nic Cage.
Really, these goddamned fucking blighted legfucking garbage scows just make me channel my inner Travis Bickle.
Listen, you fuckers, you screwheads. Here is a man who would not take it anymore. A man who stood up against the scum, the cunts, the dogs, the filth, the shit. Here is a man who stood up.
Here is a man who is standing up. I will not take this fucking shit any more. Joan Allen is standing right here with me: she's a strong woman who is also saying "I will not take it up my professionally tensed ass any more! I will star in wretched projects like Death Race rather than playing neurotic housewives for the rest of my career!" We stand side by side; over there, out from the wings, comes Nic Cage, waving his proud mullet. WE STAND TOGETHER, OR SOMETHING!
Meanwhile, the assholes who unleash shit tornadoes like Disaster Movie on us--I see that the movie visually quotes at least five different non-disaster movies--just repurpose Travis Bickle quotes right back at us:
I got some bad ideas in my head.
Note: Comments are closed on old entries.
All of this is a rambling aside, but I've always thought Joan Allen seemed like Diane Lane's less-hot, semi-embittered-because-Dad-didn't-love-her-as-much-as-Diane, older sister by another mother. When I first glimpse her in a flick or promo the thought intrudes, "Is that Diane La.....ah, no.... It's just Joan Allen. Ah well." Not that she's not a fine actress I've just always had the hots for Diane friggin' Lane. Ever since STREETS OF FIRE. Remember that one? Sort of a William Gibson-esque Sprawl-lite picture where Willem Defoe is the biker super baddy. The final confrontation between him and veteran-turned-mercanary Michael Pare is a man vs man slug-it-out with sledgehammers in which, miraculously, no one gets maimed or killed despite the numerous full-power blows the the head and torso. And there's lots of singing and running and fighting and such. Yeah. Anyway I somehow missed THE OUTSIDERS and RUMBLEFISH and anything else she'd been in before but fell hard for Diane Lane after seeing her in that. I'm sure she'd rather forget the movie. If you've not seen it you must. When I saw D.L. in UNFAITHFUL years later she was cemented forever in my mind as the actress I'd most like to know. Biblically.
And, BTW - Connie Nielsen is also related somehow. Equally hot and talented...
Totally agree regarding DISASTER MOVIE. But, my 13 year old son loves that type flick. His impeccable 13 year old boy logic is that there will usually be scantily dressed hot chicks and random silliness. Gives me hope and drives torwards dispair all at once.
Love your writin', Skot. Wish I knew where the bar that shall not be named is - I'd buy you a drink.
One of these days a hard rain's gonna fall. And it'll wash away all the motherfuckers who make stuff like "Disaster Movie."
Crank may hold some sort of record for the number of times it prompted me to say "Wait, What?!!" (yes, that's two damn exclamation points) out loud to my TV screen. Truly senseless and vile, but car-wreck fascinating.
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