It's almost summer (proper)! IT'S THE MOST EXCITING TIME OF YEAR FOR HORRIBLE MOVIE LOVERS!

*breathes into paper sack*

These are heady times, folks. We've already seen the release of a surprisingly good superhero movie (Iron Man) and a surprisingly dismal assault on precious childhood memories (Indy and the Great Big Pile of Feculence). What could Hollywood possibly have on tap now?

Could it be more comic book movies? YES, SIR. WE MAY HAVE ANOTHER. In fact, you're going to choke on them. You, the viewer, are going to have to decide: whose superhero penis are you going to suck? The Hulk's irradiated, engorged, treelike member? Or Christian Bale's slightly sociopathic yet smooth and well-proportioned phallus? I know I've made my choice. (I deliberately left out Hellboy's fiery crimson member on the grounds that . . . I don't know. I'm having weird dreams lately.)

The Love Guru

I always hated the Austin Powers movies. Mike Myers is less a comedian or an actor than he is simply a comedy bazooka aimed directly at the camera, ready to fire catchphrases, midget jokes and, most of all, Mike Myers' winking goddamn fucking face directly at your forebrain. Myers is never content to let his material stand up for itself--not surprising, since his reedy caricatures are, at best, soggy cardboard golems--and unrelentingly fills the bald spots of his comedies with anxious mugging, often directly to the camera. His is a comic form that somehow manages to sell despite its near-overwhelming stink of comedy's anathema: desperation.

The few early reviews of this thing are, I am pleased to report, sometimes verging on murderous, which is hardly surprising given the threadbare talents Myers chose to surround himself with: do you associate Jessica Alba with anything remotely resembling comedy? (Pause for comments about her acting chops.) I see that Jessica Simpson makes an appearance too, and while she certainly can be very funny, it is never due to any actual intent on her part. Vern Troyer is here too! Oh boy! He has no verifiable talent at all! I wonder what possible gags could result from his presence?

Ben Kingsley also shows up for his semiannual paycheck, but really, Sir Ben long ago proved he is utterly without shame. BloodRayne is potent evidence for this. Seriously, watch BloodRayne before you watch this reeking thing. Spare yourself Myers' flop-sweat grins to the camera, advertising his unique sort of "ain't-I-a-stinker?" appeals to the audience. Mike Myers isn't funny; he's a strange caveman buffoon who has somehow parlayed wretched dialect work and a supernatural talent for insinuating instantly-irritating catchphrases into our society. Think of it as a public health project: we'll all feel better if nobody sees it. Yeah, baby.

See?

The Wackness

I can't decide if this is the most terrible name for a film in a while or the best. I do know I really enjoy looking at the cast list. Hey, it's Ben Kingsley! Disappointingly, he does not play a character actually named "The Wackness," because, as I've already alluded to, he already did that in BloodRayne.

Joining Mr. Kingsley is the utterly pneumatic Famke Janssen, the terrifying marionette Mary-Kate Olsen, and Method Man, the only person on earth who advertises his acting technique right in his name!

I have nothing further to contribute about the merits of this film. You're all going to be watching Wall-E anyway.

Wanted

I assume the film was titled ironically, like I Heart Huckabees. Nobody hearted the Huckabees. Nobody wanted this.

Hancock

If anyone can think of a better Matt Bettinelli-Olpin summer vehicle than this, I'd like to hear it.

Oh, now I'm just being snotty. To be honest, the trailers for this movie did make me at least grin, and the premise--a gone-to-seed drunk superhero--is pretty ripe with comedic possibility, though it gives one pause to note that the director is Peter Berg, the person responsible for the entirely humor-free The Kingdom as well as the astoundingly repellent Very Bad Things. So . . . approach with caution.

Kit Kittredge: An American Girl

Awww, it's that Abigail Breslin girl that caught America's heart for a few minutes! Soon she'll be doing lines in a bathroom at Harrah's with Haley Joel Osment wondering what happened. In the meantime, I continue to love improbable cast lists:

Julia Ormond
Chris O'Donnell (?)
Jane Krakowski
Wallace Shawn (!)
Glenne Headly (. . . )
Joan Cusack
Stanley Tucci

It also has Max Thieriot, and can I just say that it's refreshing to see unremarkable Cubs infielders branching out into the arts? ANYway, that is a really awesomely white cast. It's like staring at a glacier.

Hellboy II: The Golden Army
The Dark Knight

I have only two things to say about these movies once I remove all these superhero penises from my mouth:

YEAH, BABY, YEAH!

Ain't I a stinker?