Summer's coming! And so too are summer movies, all of which are based on comic books. You know you're going to see Iron Man, right? Even though it is clearly going to be terrible? And there's another Hulk movie for some reason! Apparently, we all did something wrong, and this is our punishment. All we can do is hang our hopes on possibly awesome things such as the next installments in the Hellboy and Batman series, and happily, they both look like they might be cinemagasmic.

And if they're not, it'll all be okay. Uwe Boll is hard at work on Bughead Jughead: Riverdale Insect Blood Massacre Tit Bomb.

(Just kidding. He's actually working on Alone in the Dark II. Seriously. It's got Lance Henriksen, Michael Pare and PJ Soles! Wow.)

Let's see what's coming to the theaters in the meantime. Late April means never having to say "I'm sorry I watched these terrible movies."

88 Minutes

It's nice of the producers to let us know ahead of time exactly how long we're going to have to tolerate Al Pacino's peculiarly canine take on diction and inflection. This movie also features Leelee Sobieski, who is rapidly emerging as my Favorite Actress That Indicates Total Disaster: she was last seen (if we stretch the literal definition of that word) in In The Name of the King (Uwe! Never die) and also the indelibly deranged remake of The Wicker Man, which might have been 2006's finest comedy. I never particularly admired nor even enjoyed the work of Nic Cage, but you can say this for him: he got to punch Leelee Sobieski in the face, which in these dire times in America, is really something to aspire to.

As usual, IMDB's plot keywords tell the whole story here: Exploding Car / Female Nudity / Seaplane

Fuck it, I'll rent that.

Pathology

I love horror movies! Hey, and it has Milo Ventimiglia, who was nice and inoffensive in Heroes, even if that second season was ridiculously bad! This might be fun! I wonder why they're dumping this off in the shoulder season?

Alyssa Milano

Oh. Never mind.

Well. Okay, so it's not going to be any good. But, I mean, it's not like these guys are stupid, right? It's not like they'd make any other bizarre, campy casting choices that would torpedo this film, you know?

John de Lancie

Oh.

The producers are smart in a diabolical way. They know the movie will make ten dollars in the theaters. But when it hits DVD, it will make millions from the GenCon crowd, who will breathlessly wait for the scene when Samantha Micelli gives Q the old juicy squat.

Deception

Buzz is all around this film mainly due to rumors that Ewan MacGregor failed to wave his enormous penis around due to complaints from the notoriously nubby co-star Hugh Jackman.

HA HA! I made a dick joke.

No, seriously, I'm kind of excited about any movie that features the phrase "sex club" in its synopsis and also has Maggie Q listed in the cast. Unless it turns out that she has a giant Scottish penis, which would be just my fucking luck.

Plot Keywords: Nun / Mother Superior / Nun's Habit

HOT.

Speed Racer

Remember when Bound came out and everyone sort of gasped at these audacious fellows who dared to weld pretentious, showy cinematography with incredibly hot women fucking each other? Remember when The Matrix came out and redefined sci-fi forever by introducing turgidity and incoherence to a genre that had previously never known such concepts?

They are breaking new ground AGAIN. This existential take on the inexplicably beloved cartoon features Speed pointlessly driving in circles forever while dodging guided missiles, evil ninja motorcyclists and Chim-Chim's occasional semen blasts. It's like life.

Except this time, Spritle suffocates in the trunk. SPOILER ALERT!