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Tuesday, 11 March
March Mprejudgeness

You know what we haven't done for a while? Prejudged movies! It is, of course, one of my very favorite times of the prejudging year: just before summer, a legendary dumping ground for unloved and underfunded projects that only got greenlighted because some frowsy flack gobbled some flap-handed, excitable producer a few years ago.

The usual note for those unfamiliar with the format: These are movies that are coming out soon that I have no intention of seeing, but unfortunately probably will someday on cable. They are almost always movies that I have decided ahead of time are undoubtedly horrid based on IMDB, any ads or trailers available, or simply by their titles or cast members or, really, anything else. They may contain spoilers--often inadvertent--because I have also decided that due to their speculative and subjective wretchedness, such niggling details could not possibly make a difference in terms of these drain-circling films' possible enjoyability.

Never Back Down

For one thing, fuck that. If I have learned anything in this life, it is this: frequently back down. Disagreement at the office? Back down! Wife upset with you? Back down! It's really just easier.

Clearly Djimon Hounsou agrees with me, as this two-time Oscar nominee is now capitulating to his agent's agonized pleas for monthly paychecks. (I know this is unfair. He also recently did Blood Diamond, a movie that everyone pretended to see and which carried the ghost of respectability, but he's also been in laughable turkeys such as Eragon, Constantine, and, my favorite, the risible The Island.)

IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: At his new high school, a rebellious teen (Faris) is lured into an underground fight club, where he finds a mentor in a mixed martial arts veteran (Hounsou).

I think it's fair to say that we all know somebody from high school who had a similar experience. For me, my mentor was Hunkle, whose skin color was different from mine, and taught me valuable lessons about fasting and shitting into colanders to examine the contents of my frantically confused intestines, which he would then examine in order to divine my future.

"You will one day write reviews of horrible movies that you have never seen," he told me gnomishly one day, rattling around some marbles in my colander. We never spoke again.

Horton Hears A Who!

Skot hears the anguished screams of unlucky parents! I do love Hollywood's complete lack of concern for history in these sorts of things; Jim Carrey voices Horton here, and his last kiddie flick voice work was for the unilaterally reviled How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Leaving that stinking disaster aside (and which, yeah, probably made millions anyway), Mr. Carrey hasn't exactly been knocking them out of the park for the adults either: The Number 23 is aptly titled in that it is exactly 21 spots down the list of "things more unpleasant than number 2, i.e. human feces," and Fun With Dick and Jane was, after a court judgment, released on DVD under the alternate title We Make No Claims As To Your Filmic Experience With Dick and Jane.

Carrey has his work cut out for him, however: Jonah Hill is also doing voice work for this movie, and it's going to be a tough call as to who can be more fucking irritating even while not actually appearing onscreen. I think the kid has a shot, if he can be heard over Steve Carell, who, in addition for being known for being loud as hell, also manages, in the way of all the best voice actors, to always sound exactly like Steve Carell, which makes him a sensible choice for a vocal performance.


IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: The drama follows an 11-year-old girl's struggle to come to terms with her mother's abandonment.


Charlize Theron ... Joleen
Dennis Hopper ... Mr. Reedy
Woody Harrelson ... Randall


Sample dialogue: James: [to Tara] My whole life I feel like I've been sleepwalking. But you helped me. You woke me up.

You didn't run fast enough. Now you're dead. Nice work, stupid.

BONUS IMDB NONSENSE: "If you enjoyed this title, our database also recommends: Shaft."

Drillbit Taylor

In three years, every film produced in Hollywood will be written by Judd Apatow, one of Judd Apatow's friends, or someone who is holding a screwdriver to Judd Apatow's throat. I really can't wait for Elizabeth: The Fingerbanging, where Cate Blanchett succumbs to the fumbling digital advances of Seth Rogen, who then spends 94 agonizing minutes rummaging around in her immaculate bustle.

IMDB TAGLINE: You get what you pay for.

Ah! So they're only charging fifty cents to go see this. Well, that's nice.

Superhero Movie

I'm not sure what's left to say about this pestilential series of alleged satires. I guess I'll just mean-spiritedly rag on some of the principals and call it a fucking night.

Craig Mazin, writer and director: Appeared as a contestant on "Win Ben Stein's Money" (1997). He didn't win.

Craig Bierko, actor: Was originally cast as Chandler in "Friends" but turned down the role and was replaced by Matthew Perry.

Leslie Nielsen, Van Helsing to comedy: Is entirely horrible. Born in 1926, is unfortunately also apparently immortal.

Djimon Hounsou, actor: Not in this movie. Don't back down, Djimon.

Note: Comments are closed on old entries.


Ha. I just saw Djimon last night in Beautyshop. He is sweet, and probably always plays himself. Funniest outtake to a gay woman? Closeted Queen Latifa leading during the dance floor scene doing the Hustle with him. Ahahahahahahaha.

Comment number: 016967   Posted by: Alyxherself on March 13, 2008 07:54 AM from IP:

"Shaft" is recommended whenever someone looks up a movie in the category of Completely Unredeemed Shite.

Comment number: 016971   Posted by: diesel on March 15, 2008 01:37 PM from IP:

For 50c, I would expect to get a soda, which is still overpriced least has the useful property of being a beverage. I can't imagine Drillbit Taylor has that much going for it.

Comment number: 016972   Posted by: j on March 16, 2008 09:54 AM from IP:

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