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Monday, 22 October
The Doctor Is: APPALLING

I took Friday off so I could go to a WHOLE NEW MEDICAL FACILITY to get my LIVER ULTRASOUND! It was a BANNER DAY! They put out a REAL BANNER, and it flapped GAILY IN THE WIND! It said "SKOT'S BIG LIVER DAY! BRING ONIONS!"

When I got to the waiting room to . . . wait, I was confronted with one of those "take a number" little displays, complete with little plastic numbered tabs. Hanh? Take a number? I hope I come out of this with either some corned beef or a new driver's license, I thought.

After my "intake interview," which sounded wonderfully ominous, but wasn't, someone showed up more or less instantly to escort me to my room, which was moodily lit in a Blade Runner-ish way. Maybe I was going to get fucked by Daryl Hannah! Or killed by Roy Batty!

Or, more likely, an unremarkable tech was going to slather my thorax with surprisingly warm goo and then jam a little robo-phallus into my ribs for about forty minutes, which is somewhere in between. "It's kind of like a formula warmer," said Pat, my tech, of said warm goo, apropos of not much.

I asked Pat if she was allowed to let me know if she saw anything worth screaming about on my scan, and she stuttered. "I, I--I only take pictures. Doctor Marx will take a look and let you know what he sees. My job is to take the best pictures I can." There was silence for a moment. "No," she said in a small voice.

"It's cool," I said. "I'm a pain in the ass," I explained further.

"We're going to look at your pancreas and gall bladder too," she said in reply. She gouged me again, and I didn't say anything.

"I never think about my gall bladder," I said, witlessly. "That's good," she cooed. You're a pain in the ass, I assume she thought.

Our porny adventure continued on for a while, complete with sentences like, "Let's roll you over so we can get a side view." Also: "Oh, don't worry, I see pubic hair all the time."

BOM CHICKA WOW

After a while of this, she gave me a towel to wipe up all the goo, which, really, if I'm wiping up goo? It would have been nice to have a decent reason for. In this case, I was just goo-covered for unpleasant reasons. Wiping up sticky residue should always be after an orgasm, frankly. But I was neither motivated nor confident in my ability to talk my way into a handjob at this point anyway. I glumly toweled off my fish-white gut.

Presently the terrifying Dr. Marx was escorted in. Here's a rough approximation of what he said, in utter machine-gun cadence:

"I have looked at your films and I do not see scary things like cancer or robots or dog faces [I actually have no idea what he said at this point, so I'm filling in] and I will talk to your doctor about this but there are maybe some fatty deposits but you can have a good day."

He stood stoically after that while I processed that whole bit.

"I . . . that sounds like good news!" I stammered.

"You have a good day!" he yelled again. Then he left.

I stared at the tech. "He's very . . . succinct," I said. "He sure is!" replied the goo-tech. Then she showed me out.

Good Lord, fuck all this. I'm happy to live with my neuropathic silliness if I don't have to confront any more terrifying Politburo doctors.

I have trouble eating soup, for God's sake. None of this is worth it. YOU HEAR ME, SOUP? YOU DON'T FREAK ME OUT.

I have watched Viva Laughlin. I will not be intimidated by soup.

Next entry: Viva Laughlin. It was like soup, only one thousand maniacs came in it. Also, it's cancelled. Yay!

Next entry: Holy fucking hell, did anyone else see Viva Laughlin?


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Comments

I didn't watch it because, hello? The show was called Viva Laughlin. I've been to Laughlin. There's not a damn thing 'Viva' about the place, unless you include the squeal of glee spewed forth as you pass the city limits sign heading outward.

Comment number: 015612   Posted by: You c an call me, 'Sir' on October 23, 2007 06:10 AM from IP: 152.17.116.62

I heard the beginning of an episode. I couldn't help it, it was on after something else that I might or might not have watched, and I didn't turn off the tv, and there was singing and stuff, like some karaoke but with the actual song in the background, not just the karaoke version of the song, and it was so completely original that that song was that Rolling Stones song that is in every single movie ever created, and I ran into the living room to see if there was suddenly some guy on my couch singing along with a commercial for a repeat of Casino on TBS. But there wasn't. Just some guy on TV, dancing on a table, singing along to the recorded version of that Tumbling Dice song. I wondered for a few minutes who the guy was. Hadn't I seen him somewhere else, being more... dignified?

I realized right away, though, what show it was, because I heard some people on NPR recently talking about the new TV shows this season and they, whoever they were, could only agree on one thing: Viva Laughlin was a horrible show, and it was a musical, and it'd be the first to get canned.

That new show Carpooling is funny as hell, though.

Comment number: 015627   Posted by: i, squub on October 24, 2007 08:51 AM from IP: 71.176.137.78

Skot, you know I am a lesbian, but I would have volunteered to give your adorable ass an acomplished handjob after you were so brave.
Like a lollipop, but for grownups.
This was such a well written post, I can't even convey how much I enjoy the accounts of your medical misadventures. I think it's the dread that never actually materializes into anything that makes it such a satisfying read.

Comment number: 015628   Posted by: Alyxmyself on October 24, 2007 09:19 AM from IP: 71.40.153.6

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