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skot AT izzlepfaff DOT com

Monday, 15 October
The Departed

Oh, these are heady times! Our 1/2 month rent check should have been deposited today, so in theory, we should have access to the new apartment after tomorrow. I can't wait to roll around naked on the new Berber carpeting! (I knew it was Berber instantly after my wife told me that's what it was.) I'm going to stick my dick in the dryer! I'm going to take three shits in our three toilets! I'm going to stick a baby into our baby-sized "parcel box!" Hey, can I borrow a baby?

You can imagine how things have been here in to soon-to-be-ex-place. Packing central. By which I mean: we haven't packed one goddamn thing. But I have an explanation. The explanation is, I hate packing, because packing fucking sucks.

I have a closet shelf full of fucking vinyl. These poor records haven't seen the light of day for nearly five years, and I don't really feel like fucking around with them. They're heavy, they're dusty, and they're outdated technology. These albums are basically an M1 Abrams tank sitting in my fucking closet. Fuck you, vinyl.

Here's something else, something I know that more than one of you can cop to: in our "second bedroom"--that is, "room in which we just throw all of our shit in"--contains boxes from the last time we moved and never bothered to unpack. Stacks of the damn things. At some point, we got comfortable, and one day there we were, unpacking, and we opened a box, and the first thing we saw was some old textbook like History of Costume Design, and yelled "UGH!" and then said, "I'm not unpacking this fucking thing." And there they sit today.

I know for sure that I have a box in there with a little Darth Vader action figure in it. He shares space with an off-brand Walkman thing from 1985 and a Fiend Folio that I stole from some genius who was smart enough to get me to take it off his hands. The last time I looked in the box, it had some melted candy in it that got all over everything, including some embarrassing college photos, and I just sealed the fucker up because I couldn't stand to go through it.

I blame our society. America has conditioned me to save things like pipe cleaner sculptures, Christmas stork statuettes and old poems I wrote when I was stoned that say things like "Loneliness/Is like a hole/In my heart . . . "

The poem page also featured, inexplicably, a drawing of mine of a birthday cake that was lettered: "R O U N D." I shivered and tore the horrible thing up.

Anyway, it's time for another purge. I think if I can bear to load all of that goddamn vinyl into the car, I'll just sell that fucking shit off to some greasy Luddites who wail about the cold death of vinyl and weep bitter tears whenever anyone says "MP3." I know that someone will enjoy the vast collection of New Wave dead media. And I suppose it's time to let go of my extensive collection of dreary fiction and non- that I never bother to look at any more--why do I still have Alan Schneider's Entrances? I'm never going to read it again. Kurt Anderson's extremely dated Turn of the Century? Let it go, Skot . . . Spy Magazine isn't coming back. Jonathan Lethem's last novel? It was fucking horrible.

Gilligan's Wake? Unreadable. Look at all these terrible books! They're heavy!

Fuck moving. We can't wait, of course. If only we could get started.

We have this diseased bath mat that looks like Maenads fucked on it, ate it, and then shat it out. The wife has assured me that she is pitching it. We need to embrace this particular line of thought. This bath mat is where hope goes to die, and it is doomed. I must become ruthless about these terrible things that possess us even as we possess them.

I'm looking at you, pestilent houseplant. You're in my sights, dingy hand towels. Sleep lightly, belts I hate.

You're all on notice.

On the other hand, you might all just end up in some fucking boxes that we'll never unpack.

Note: Comments are closed on old entries.


My advice is to embrace the secret consumed by all pyromaniacs:

Fire is the answer.

There's nothing that a good flame can't fix, especially when you're trying to 'fix' the fact that you have so much useless crap.

Comment number: 015522   Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' on October 16, 2007 07:41 AM from IP:

As I agree with Sir, my comment mirrors his, only mine was the allegorical version, as in, 'Throw everything into the fire and keep what you'd burn your hand saving'...only, as I mentioned, a figurative fire.
Think of it as a diet, wherein you cut out all junk possesions and can now fit into your life :)
Trust me, you won't miss that crap. If you haven't looked at it in 6 months, you never will. Oh, and books? That's what there are libraries for.Good luck!

Comment number: 015524   Posted by: Alyxmyself on October 16, 2007 09:23 AM from IP:

hey, if you are not acquainted with the phenomenon of "freecycling," this would be the perfect initiation. you could potentially get grateful scavengers to pick up all of the crap you feel guilty throwing in the landfill -- right off of your doorstep. visit this web site:

this url is for the freecycle network specific to seattle.

Comment number: 015525   Posted by: lurker on October 16, 2007 12:17 PM from IP:

Fun blog! Packing sucks and so does moving! Thanks for the much-needed chuckle at the end of a hellish day where I had to watch a Slayer DCD TO CALM DOWN. Seriously.

Comment number: 015529   Posted by: GaIL on October 16, 2007 03:42 PM from IP:

Why not throw caution to the wind and schlep all the old stuff on E-Bay?

Granted you have little hope with the new wave vinyl but the moldy bathmat would probably get snapped up in a thrice. Add that to the fact that damp, microbe infested polyester is an absolute bitch to ignite, I reckon public auction is the only surefire way to rid yourself of the accursed restroom rug.

Comment number: 015542   Posted by: Lung the Younger on October 18, 2007 07:36 AM from IP:

oooooh. double posting to say freecycle is a great idea. it really works.

Comment number: 015543   Posted by: Alyxmyself on October 18, 2007 09:16 AM from IP:

You're not in real trouble until you unpack a box to find junk mail. From three years ago. (That's when I jump on the bandwagon and recommend a nice, cleansing fire.)

Yer blog is hilarious, by the way.

Comment number: 015547   Posted by: z. on October 19, 2007 06:18 AM from IP:

In addition to Freecycle, the "Free" section of Craigslist is a *miraculously* efficient way to get someone else to come haul away your worthless crap, with blinding speed.

However you do it, hold fast to the "getting rid of shit" concept. I just moved across the country, getting rid of half of my belongings in the process. I have now concluded that that was not NEARLY enough.

Good luck with the move, and congrats on (against all odds) actually finding a decent and affordable apartment in Seattle! (I'm about to embark on that search myself, with great trepidation...)

Comment number: 015551   Posted by: Kat on October 19, 2007 01:12 PM from IP:

Hey, SKOT! I know just what you should do with that wretched old poetry: read it at Salon of Shame! My show! Next one is Nov 13 @CHAC. Website is usually; as of this post, it's down at the moment.

Comment number: 015554   Posted by: Phyllis on October 19, 2007 11:18 PM from IP:

If you think Skot's going to go to the trouble of listing a bunch of his busted crap on Craigslist, then you should also talk to his financial planner.

Comment number: 015598   Posted by: norm on October 22, 2007 08:03 AM from IP:

Why dont you throw away all this useless stuff! Or at least, you can give it to your friends and relatives, who knows, maybe your vinyl is what they are looking for. Or you can hold an e-auction and get some money from it. One more idea - barter you old things on something you need. There are enough barter websites.

Comment number: 015611   Posted by: Jess on October 23, 2007 04:02 AM from IP: unknown

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