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Monday, 01 October
Nic At Night

Oh Nic
Nic
On Friday we watched
Next

It was so terrible
So was your wig
We wanted to call
Animal control
To report a dead
Something
Perched on your skull

You won an Oscar once.
Leaving Las Vegas.
That was a terrific movie

(Though I do have to carp
A little
That rape scene wasn't very funny)

What happened?
What tipped you over?

Why are you doing these things
To us?
Ghost Rider?

The Wicker Man?

(You wore a bear suit
And punched a woman
And later you complained
Of bees in your eyes . . .

Okay, that was pretty funny.

I secretly whisper to you,
Nic
Lost Nic
I actually adore that movie.)

ANYWAY . . .

I cannot let you go
You were H.I. McDunnough--
What happened?

You were in
Fast Times--
What happened?

You were in
Red Rock West
What happened?

(While we're on the topic
Can you also find out what happened
To John Dahl? Thanks, Nic.)

You don't have to do these
Tawdry things.
(I whisper:
National Treasure: Book of Secrets
And we all tremble.)

You don't have to. You can stop.
Look at us. We stopped.
We stopped watching your movies
Because they are horrible.

They stain us
Like your hair was stained
Because you made
Next

Listen to your hair

It was terrifying in Adaptation
It said: People really like this movie
Even though it is a pile of shit

Listen to your hair

What will your hair look like
I wonder

When you film that thing
With 50 Cent

Will you be bald?
Will it be threadbare?
Will it grow up your legs to coil malevolently on your head?

(Nobody will see these movies.
Your head will be a failed latchhook project.)

We shall not see you.

You are lost . . .

. . . nic . . .

Let the lamp affix its beam.
The only emperor is the emperor of Brylcreem.


Note: Comments are closed on old entries.

Comments

UGH!
Nicholas Cage is the king of douche bags.

Dude bought his wife!
There's no way that piece isn't mail order.

Comment number: 015313   Posted by: Calcium Glitter on October 2, 2007 12:29 AM from IP: unknown

UGH!
Nicholas Cage is the king of douche bags.

Dude bought his wife!
There's no way that piece isn't mail order.

Comment number: 015314   Posted by: Calcium Glitter on October 2, 2007 12:30 AM from IP: unknown

UGH!
Nicholas Cage is the king of douche bags.

Dude bought his wife!
There's no way that piece isn't mail order.

Comment number: 015315   Posted by: Calcium Glitter on October 2, 2007 12:30 AM from IP: unknown

But what of
Dear Nic's
Face stretched
Wide and broad?
That smooth skin,
The forehead
that now never furrows
in kind confusion over
Peggy Sue.
Should we not fear
that one day,
Too taut,
It will finally crack?
I fear for you sweet Nic


Comment number: 015321   Posted by: Nurgirl on October 2, 2007 09:04 AM from IP: 66.65.120.123

I've always wondered why Nicolas Cage was ever in any kind of action movie. The guy is so firmly a middle-aged dad type to me. Action is not his genre. His role in Adaptation perfectly suited him.

I'm probably exposing my Philistine troglodyte tendencies, sorry.

Comment number: 015322   Posted by: Ian J on October 2, 2007 09:38 AM from IP: 192.150.22.5

Love the last couplet. Such memories!

Comment number: 015324   Posted by: Susan on October 2, 2007 10:26 AM from IP: 198.96.178.33

Raising Arizona was the last time I looked upon him with anything other than cold cold hate in my heart.

Comment number: 015326   Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' on October 2, 2007 12:04 PM from IP: 152.17.62.95

Now now... hang on just a gol-darn minute...! Aren't you overlooking the 1989 classic: Nic as Peter Loew (a-Pete-eh Leuuuuwww) in 'Vampire's Kiss'...? The man ATE A LIVE COCKROACH.

I can forgive an actor a lot if he's willing to eat a live insect on camera.

(Sigh... of course, that was before Reality TV made the whole business of eating live insects for the entertainment of others so terribly... COMMON... but those people aren't even REAL actors - they're just wanna-be's).

Nic was the FIRST, man! The FIRST! If he's a has-been, at least he's not a wanna-be.

Comment number: 015328   Posted by: dellnico on October 2, 2007 12:40 PM from IP: 198.92.67.120

Hey. I'm new here (like some others, on a lead from Ms. Mimi Smartypants). Love everything I've read so far, but I'm an inveterate lurker. I'm only commenting now because I happened to watch Raising Arizona last night. Jesus Christ what a great movie.

Gotta admit, though, I liked Adaptation quite a lot...on the other hand, I don't think I've ever seen any of his "action" movies, and I don't particularly plan to--although I thought Ghost Rider looked sort of amusingly horrific. Like it might transcend its terribleness and move into comedy.

I dunno...maybe it was Utah.

Comment number: 015329   Posted by: no name slob on October 2, 2007 12:42 PM from IP: 81.208.83.214

I saw Next on a Sydney to LAX longhaul. Thought it was pretty good.

Comment number: 015386   Posted by: on October 6, 2007 01:50 PM from IP: 24.87.35.32

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