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Thursday, 13 September
I Can Barely Be Bothered To Prejudge

Well, I've done my course of antibiotics--Z-pack--so thanks, Ryan Zimmerman! For nothing. My symptoms persist. Awesome. However, in order to feel better, I can always look to Hollywood's post-summer offerings for some serious entertainment. Let's see what's in the movie dumpster for this fall!

The Brave One

I have mentally rechristened this movie The Dull Movie. Ah, revenge movies. It's an actor's playground: you get to really shine by registering the gamut of emotions from crushing grief to white-hot rage! From self-absorption to self-pity! From gun-buying to gun-using! Actors always get compared to whores because our whole job is to fake emotions we're not really experiencing, but we are terrible whores in that we love to pick the least interesting emotions to fake.

NEW FEATURE OF I PREJUDGE MOVIES! Minor actor you've never heard of who is in this film, and his or her previous project!

Victor Colicchio, who plays "Cutler" in this movie, previously worked on Mattie Fresno and the Holoflux Universe (2007) as "Janitor/Devil."

Mr. Woodcock

The promotional materials for this film show Billy Bob Thornton holding two basketballs in front of his groin. I assume this has some comedic symbolic value, but it evades me. Perhaps this is a documentary about hypergonadism.

No, that would be funny.

(Jesus Christ, Susan Sarandon is in this? I hate the world.)

I'm not sure what happened to the Hollywood mainstream comedy. It appears to be a dead art form, sort of like lithographs or Broadway. (It occurs to me that I have no idea what a lithograph is. Happily, I don't really care.)

Mr. Woodcock also showcases the talents of one Suzanne Friedline, apparently as the "voice" of Meredith Viera, puzzlingly enough. She was previously seen in such films as A Day Without A Mexican and the immortal short Crickets & Potatoes.

The Hunting Party

RICHARD GERE! TERRENCE HOWARD! JAMES BROLIN! Hey, where's everyone going?

You might also remember cast member Lejla Hadzimuratovic from her indelible turn in The Scary Side of Randall Coombe (2001).

Good Luck Chuck

Good luck, movie. In the plus column, it does feature Annie Wood--boy, "wood" she!, haw haw haw!--who you might remember from Cellblock Sisters: Banished Behind Bars! (1995)

You know what? I'm going to stop. I'm clearly losing interest. My next weak joke was going to be about 3:10 to Yuma, which I was going to abbreviate to 3:10 to Yum and make a crappy blowjob joke, and nobody needs that. Plus, that film has already been released over the agonized, non-blowjob-related screams of Russell Crowe.

(3:10 To Yuma does feature the talents of Lennie Loftin, who managed to find himself in not only the completely despicable Daredevil, but also the astonishingly horrible Time Machine. Kudos!)

And good night.


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Comments

I really, really want to act in a movie where my part is janitor/devil. The implications of that role! The acting chops it would take!

Comment number: 014939   Posted by: superblondgirl on September 14, 2007 01:55 PM from IP: 69.37.248.172

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. This blog entry is not the sincerest form of humor.

Comment number: 014952   Posted by: NotMatthewBaldwin on September 15, 2007 05:12 PM from IP: 69.19.14.42

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. This blog entry is not the sincerest form of humor.

Comment number: 014953   Posted by: NotMatthewBaldwin on September 15, 2007 05:13 PM from IP: 69.19.14.42

That's totally right! Skot was so hard-pressed to think of a dumb schtick that he actually travelled back in time to 2003 and told himself to rip off Defective Yeti, who of course invented the form of making fun of shitty movies.

Comment number: 015009   Posted by: Steve on September 17, 2007 08:32 AM from IP: 192.5.109.49

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