Attorneys for Senator Larry E. Craig filed court papers yesterday asking that he be allowed to withdraw his guilty plea to disorderly conduct in a Minnesota airport sex sting.

In an affidavit, Mr. Craig said that he was "so totally not gay, it's retarded. It's so retarded, it's gay." Mr. Craig's statement went on to assert in no uncertain terms his heterosexuality as well as his surprising profligate drug use. "I do not smoke pole," read the statement. "I smoke crack."

"I have always found the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport a soothing place to smoke crack cocaine," Mr. Craig said at a related press conference. "Unfortunately, in this instance, the powerful drug caused my legs to twitch spasmodically, apparently causing my feet to contact the shoes of a plainclothes officer in the next stall. This disturbed me in that I thought my male-on-male foot contact could be interpreted as gay. Nothing could be further from the truth: I was high on crack cocaine. I was also distracted at the time as I was also performing an unlicensed abortion in the stall at the time. I most emphatically was not cruising for anonymous knob-slobbing."

Mr. Craig continued to expand on the incident before a mostly silent press gathering. Some reporters were seen to be looking skyward and whispering thanks to God for unclear reasons.

"I have been known to smoke crack cocaine and perform illegal abortions in airports from time to time--I call those days 'weekdays,' actually. It is all part of Satan's plan for me, and I follow his chthonic commands devoutly. During my sacred shits, I stare worshipfully at inverted pentagrams and the unborn fetuses that I have nailed to the walls of my sacrament stalls, and certainly not the engorged penises of anonymous airport travelers."

Mr. Craig has attempted to argue that his guilty plea was due to intense anxiety and panic. "I acted like such a fag," said Mr. Craig, before crying out, "Wait! Oh, fuck, this isn't going well." Turning to his attorneys, he asked, "Do you guys have an EMP device to knock out all these electronic recording devices?" The gathered attorneys conferred briefly before gravely shaking their heads, causing the Idaho senator to mutter audibly, "Fuck, I could use some crack and the erotic touch of a male stranger."

When asked by clearly astounded reporters how he was coping with the stress of the widely scrutinized scandal, Mr. Craig responded, "Well, I think I'm holding up. Last night I beat a grandmother to death with a length of re-bar--I like to keep up with my exercise. I think I'm doing okay. To be honest, I feel good. I feel pretty. I feel stunning, and entrancing, I feel like running and dancing for joy, for I'm loved by a pretty wonderful family."

Editor's Note: This is so cheap and easy. We could not resist.