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Monday, 10 September
Embattled Craig Asks Court For Plea Withdrawal: "I Was Smoking Crack"

Attorneys for Senator Larry E. Craig filed court papers yesterday asking that he be allowed to withdraw his guilty plea to disorderly conduct in a Minnesota airport sex sting.

In an affidavit, Mr. Craig said that he was "so totally not gay, it's retarded. It's so retarded, it's gay." Mr. Craig's statement went on to assert in no uncertain terms his heterosexuality as well as his surprising profligate drug use. "I do not smoke pole," read the statement. "I smoke crack."

"I have always found the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport a soothing place to smoke crack cocaine," Mr. Craig said at a related press conference. "Unfortunately, in this instance, the powerful drug caused my legs to twitch spasmodically, apparently causing my feet to contact the shoes of a plainclothes officer in the next stall. This disturbed me in that I thought my male-on-male foot contact could be interpreted as gay. Nothing could be further from the truth: I was high on crack cocaine. I was also distracted at the time as I was also performing an unlicensed abortion in the stall at the time. I most emphatically was not cruising for anonymous knob-slobbing."

Mr. Craig continued to expand on the incident before a mostly silent press gathering. Some reporters were seen to be looking skyward and whispering thanks to God for unclear reasons.

"I have been known to smoke crack cocaine and perform illegal abortions in airports from time to time--I call those days 'weekdays,' actually. It is all part of Satan's plan for me, and I follow his chthonic commands devoutly. During my sacred shits, I stare worshipfully at inverted pentagrams and the unborn fetuses that I have nailed to the walls of my sacrament stalls, and certainly not the engorged penises of anonymous airport travelers."

Mr. Craig has attempted to argue that his guilty plea was due to intense anxiety and panic. "I acted like such a fag," said Mr. Craig, before crying out, "Wait! Oh, fuck, this isn't going well." Turning to his attorneys, he asked, "Do you guys have an EMP device to knock out all these electronic recording devices?" The gathered attorneys conferred briefly before gravely shaking their heads, causing the Idaho senator to mutter audibly, "Fuck, I could use some crack and the erotic touch of a male stranger."

When asked by clearly astounded reporters how he was coping with the stress of the widely scrutinized scandal, Mr. Craig responded, "Well, I think I'm holding up. Last night I beat a grandmother to death with a length of re-bar--I like to keep up with my exercise. I think I'm doing okay. To be honest, I feel good. I feel pretty. I feel stunning, and entrancing, I feel like running and dancing for joy, for I'm loved by a pretty wonderful family."

Editor's Note: This is so cheap and easy. We could not resist.


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Comments

So brilliant, it's retarded.

Comment number: 014920   Posted by: Gail on September 11, 2007 01:27 PM from IP: 160.83.73.15

Love this.

Comment number: 014923   Posted by: superblondgirl on September 11, 2007 06:40 PM from IP: 69.177.139.176

cheap and easy like the senator, ha.

Comment number: 014929   Posted by: Alyxmyself on September 12, 2007 05:39 PM from IP: 68.201.0.251

Well, hell's bells, maybe he isn't gay after all. Why is the mainstream media not covering this story?

Comment number: 015013   Posted by: Edward on September 17, 2007 04:38 PM from IP: 208.36.122.218

Okay. Here's the thing.

I've been having a fairly crappy year. I've got a great job and a pretty comfortable gig in Europe, sure, but here's the problem -- I don't speak the language, and I don't know anyone, and it's hard to meet anyone because I don't speak the language, and so it goes. (And I'm not 20 any more. When I was 20 people would have made an effort to meet ME, but those days are sadly gone.) So it gets pretty fucking lonely sometimes. It's just me and my undeniably adorable five-year-old son, and we make a pretty terrific team, and we get along great and all of that. But you know, what I wouldn't give for some grownup, native-English-speaking company sometimes.

Anyway, I laughed so hard when I read this I almost cried. Thanks, Skot. If you ever wonder whether all the time you put into your blog is worth it... stop wondering.

Comment number: 015084   Posted by: Xenobia on September 21, 2007 01:48 PM from IP: 84.168.198.226

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