Write me:
skot AT izzlepfaff DOT com

Monday, 24 September
Autumn Sweater

I've sure been bitching a lot lately, huh? Well, I'M NOT DONE! I'm sorry, but the latter half of this year is really starting to blow.

Dr. Hair wants me to come in for an ultrasound to rule out "anything scary," which is of course terrifying. I put off calling him today because . . . of the terror. (Yeah, yeah, I'm calling him tomorrow, don't nag me.) In the good news department, I don't have hemochromatosis, probably; in the possibly bad news department, I may have something scary, such as . . . oh, the thinks you can think! Right now, I am infested with malign nanobots, I imagine. You know, that or something really shitty, like . . . oh, I can't stand to think about it. I might have Good Luck Chuck syndrome, which causes your brain to liquefy and run out your ears and ruin your shirt and kill you.

But on Friday, we got some more good news! We're moving! Involuntarily! And I'm not talking about my tremor. The owner of the condo we rent has decided to move back to Seattle, so he's giving us the boot the first week of November. We have to move out. In November.


It's not even like he's pulling any kind of extralegal shenanigans. He's perfectly within his rights to kick us out; we're month-to-month, so we've got all kinds of nothing here, legally. What's just irritating is that he's a fucking prick who easily could have let us know about this some time ago, but no, he didn't at all. (I suppose I'm going to get a lot of blowback from people arguing that I was a bonehead for letting this be a possibility, and maybe that's true, but really? Fuck this dude. November? Thanks a ton, asshole.) This is a guy, actually, who I have directly spoken to on the phone exactly once, when we moved in, the day we moved in, who seemed disbelieving of my wholly truthful claim that the toilet had chosen that day to die. Since then, there has been no direct contact.

And if you already thought I was stupid, buckle up! It just occurred to me that it gets better: when we do apply to some new place, we get to inform the renters that our current apartment manager does not have a phone number. In fact, he doesn't even have an email address that we're aware of. He takes messages--and uses the email account of--someone we've never met named B. People are going to stare at us like we have three necks, and they should.

It's such a long, dull story about how this situation came to pass that I cannot even bear to try to relate it. But it's been reality for a few years. ("Hi, uh, B., this is a message for W., and our tub drain is backed up. Uh, if he could call us . . . if that's possible . . . uh, that would be great.")


Three-plus years of looking at the Caller ID and seeing "Pay Phone" whenever that guy would call us. Earlier this year, he presented us with a used vacuum cleaner. For some reason. Thanks! He called on Friday to (1) give us our eviction notice, and (2) ask if he could have that vacuum cleaner back. Classy!

Is there any upside here? Oh, it's hard to say right now. We're too close to the horror of having to pack up all of our shit again--moving always sucks hard. I mean, I have no intention of moving all my stuff again--we'll pay movers, but still. And it also occurs to me that we paid a nonrefundable cleaning deposit when we moved in, so someone else can scrub the fucking walls, and if he tries to dick me on the security deposit, I'll do everything in my power to eat his lunch over it.

Next time, I'll try not to bitch. Unless I'm infected with the nanobots, in which case I'm just going to post something like FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!1010101110100010
error line 14895

. . .
. . .

renter error

your apartment manager has no listed phone number

you are stupid


Note: Comments are closed on old entries.


Shit dude, that is gay. All of it. Gay. So gay that I think you should be allowed to call in gay for work.

Comment number: 015147   Posted by: Robin on September 25, 2007 01:22 AM from IP:

Disassemble the vacuum cleaner before you return it to him.

Comment number: 015150   Posted by: Jordan on September 25, 2007 07:32 AM from IP:

Line 14,895? Man, that's a lot of code for such a stupid guy. It's probably COBOL, too.

It's all pretty sucky, Skot. Maybe now's a good time to start doing the heroin again; take your mind off the pain.

Comment number: 015151   Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' on September 25, 2007 10:52 AM from IP:

The tone, placement, capitalization, and (lack of) punctuation of "JESUS FUCKIN' BEEKEEPING CHRIST" was very Stephen Fry, there.

Comment number: 015156   Posted by: redfox on September 25, 2007 03:54 PM from IP:

Well, Skot, I guess the upside is that you now have an opportunity to find a legitimate landlord who functions with at least early 1990s technology.

I'd be tempted to send the vacuum cleaner back to him along with a tube of K-Y jelly.

Comment number: 015157   Posted by: AndrewPDX on September 25, 2007 04:04 PM from IP:

on the bright side, you got to say enemas :D

Comment number: 015158   Posted by: Chris on September 25, 2007 05:26 PM from IP:

booby trap the vacuum so that when he comes to get it the place burns to the ground. Give the new place my name and phone number and I'll hook you up.

for a small fee....

Comment number: 015159   Posted by: btroffded on September 25, 2007 06:21 PM from IP:

I wish this blog was the fictionalized account of Skot's life :(
So amazed you can share, hope it does some good to know someone real you've never met in person really cares. No foolin.

Comment number: 015160   Posted by: Alyxmyself on September 25, 2007 06:42 PM from IP:

Bummer. Should I be keeping my ears open for apartments/houses/sheds for rent? Cause I totally will.

Also, I once found out the hard way that when you vacuum up fleas they just stay in the vacuum cleaner for a few hours and crawl right back out. I imagine it works with all kinds of things: bedbugs, nanobots. Do with that knowledge what you will.

Comment number: 015161   Posted by: flamingbanjo on September 25, 2007 06:51 PM from IP:

Wow, that sucks! The end of your 2007 is reminiscent of the end of my 2006, which sucked big, sweaty donkey balls and then spit in my face. Repeatedly.

Are you two hoping to stay on Capital Hill near the favorite bar or are you also looking elsewhere? Argh, what a hassle to look for a new place. One that undoubtedly will not have the bathroom wall of stone. Damn.

Comment number: 015163   Posted by: Suzanne on September 25, 2007 07:22 PM from IP:

Did he give you the notice in writing?

He is giving you enough time by law, but it also requires something in writing even though you are a periodic tenancy.

This is Washington state law though. If you don't live there, then all bets are off as far as this info goes.

Comment number: 015166   Posted by: Chris C on September 25, 2007 11:57 PM from IP:

Really sorry to hear about the health problems and the douchetacular landlord, Skot. My advice: leave a big steaming pile of feces in the closet. (Or under the sink would be good, too.)

Comment number: 015183   Posted by: Joe on September 26, 2007 02:05 PM from IP:

Good thing you guys have a reference from the year you lived in ny and rented from me

Comment number: 015259   Posted by: Amy on September 29, 2007 07:04 AM from IP:

I just wanted to let everyone know that in honor of a special blog milestone my column today is open to the readers to create in the comments section. I have a great list of funny topics, and you can write what you like on any of them. It can be a sentence or two. It can be one hundred words.

But it is yours to create. So come on by and have at it.

Comment number: 015300   Posted by: Chris C on October 1, 2007 09:21 AM from IP:

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