skot AT izzlepfaff DOT com
Monday, 24 September
I've sure been bitching a lot lately, huh? Well, I'M NOT DONE! I'm sorry, but the latter half of this year is really starting to blow.
Dr. Hair wants me to come in for an ultrasound to rule out "anything scary," which is of course terrifying. I put off calling him today because . . . of the terror. (Yeah, yeah, I'm calling him tomorrow, don't nag me.) In the good news department, I don't have hemochromatosis, probably; in the possibly bad news department, I may have something scary, such as . . . oh, the thinks you can think! Right now, I am infested with malign nanobots, I imagine. You know, that or something really shitty, like . . . oh, I can't stand to think about it. I might have Good Luck Chuck syndrome, which causes your brain to liquefy and run out your ears and ruin your shirt and kill you.
But on Friday, we got some more good news! We're moving! Involuntarily! And I'm not talking about my tremor. The owner of the condo we rent has decided to move back to Seattle, so he's giving us the boot the first week of November. We have to move out. In November.
JESUS FUCKIN' BEEKEEPING CHRIST
It's not even like he's pulling any kind of extralegal shenanigans. He's perfectly within his rights to kick us out; we're month-to-month, so we've got all kinds of nothing here, legally. What's just irritating is that he's a fucking prick who easily could have let us know about this some time ago, but no, he didn't at all. (I suppose I'm going to get a lot of blowback from people arguing that I was a bonehead for letting this be a possibility, and maybe that's true, but really? Fuck this dude. November? Thanks a ton, asshole.) This is a guy, actually, who I have directly spoken to on the phone exactly once, when we moved in, the day we moved in, who seemed disbelieving of my wholly truthful claim that the toilet had chosen that day to die. Since then, there has been no direct contact.
And if you already thought I was stupid, buckle up! It just occurred to me that it gets better: when we do apply to some new place, we get to inform the renters that our current apartment manager does not have a phone number. In fact, he doesn't even have an email address that we're aware of. He takes messages--and uses the email account of--someone we've never met named B. People are going to stare at us like we have three necks, and they should.
It's such a long, dull story about how this situation came to pass that I cannot even bear to try to relate it. But it's been reality for a few years. ("Hi, uh, B., this is a message for W., and our tub drain is backed up. Uh, if he could call us . . . if that's possible . . . uh, that would be great.")
Three-plus years of looking at the Caller ID and seeing "Pay Phone" whenever that guy would call us. Earlier this year, he presented us with a used vacuum cleaner. For some reason. Thanks! He called on Friday to (1) give us our eviction notice, and (2) ask if he could have that vacuum cleaner back. Classy!
Is there any upside here? Oh, it's hard to say right now. We're too close to the horror of having to pack up all of our shit again--moving always sucks hard. I mean, I have no intention of moving all my stuff again--we'll pay movers, but still. And it also occurs to me that we paid a nonrefundable cleaning deposit when we moved in, so someone else can scrub the fucking walls, and if he tries to dick me on the security deposit, I'll do everything in my power to eat his lunch over it.
Next time, I'll try not to bitch. Unless I'm infected with the nanobots, in which case I'm just going to post something like FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!1010101110100010
. . .
your apartment manager has no listed phone number
you are stupid
Note: Comments are closed on old entries.
Shit dude, that is gay. All of it. Gay. So gay that I think you should be allowed to call in gay for work.
Disassemble the vacuum cleaner before you return it to him.
Line 14,895? Man, that's a lot of code for such a stupid guy. It's probably COBOL, too.
It's all pretty sucky, Skot. Maybe now's a good time to start doing the heroin again; take your mind off the pain.
The tone, placement, capitalization, and (lack of) punctuation of "JESUS FUCKIN' BEEKEEPING CHRIST" was very Stephen Fry, there.
Well, Skot, I guess the upside is that you now have an opportunity to find a legitimate landlord who functions with at least early 1990s technology.
I'd be tempted to send the vacuum cleaner back to him along with a tube of K-Y jelly.
on the bright side, you got to say enemas :D
booby trap the vacuum so that when he comes to get it the place burns to the ground. Give the new place my name and phone number and I'll hook you up.
for a small fee....
I wish this blog was the fictionalized account of Skot's life :(
Bummer. Should I be keeping my ears open for apartments/houses/sheds for rent? Cause I totally will.
Also, I once found out the hard way that when you vacuum up fleas they just stay in the vacuum cleaner for a few hours and crawl right back out. I imagine it works with all kinds of things: bedbugs, nanobots. Do with that knowledge what you will.
Wow, that sucks! The end of your 2007 is reminiscent of the end of my 2006, which sucked big, sweaty donkey balls and then spit in my face. Repeatedly.
Are you two hoping to stay on Capital Hill near the favorite bar or are you also looking elsewhere? Argh, what a hassle to look for a new place. One that undoubtedly will not have the bathroom wall of stone. Damn.
Did he give you the notice in writing?
He is giving you enough time by law, but it also requires something in writing even though you are a periodic tenancy.
This is Washington state law though. If you don't live there, then all bets are off as far as this info goes.
Really sorry to hear about the health problems and the douchetacular landlord, Skot. My advice: leave a big steaming pile of feces in the closet. (Or under the sink would be good, too.)
Good thing you guys have a reference from the year you lived in ny and rented from me
I just wanted to let everyone know that in honor of a special blog milestone my column today is open to the readers to create in the comments section. I have a great list of funny topics, and you can write what you like on any of them. It can be a sentence or two. It can be one hundred words.
But it is yours to create. So come on by and have at it.
Post a comment