Hello hello party people those of you avoiding work people who are kind of wondering what Michelle Pfeiffer looks like naked these days everybody!

Sorry about the recent drought. Here's what happened: I meant to post more last week, but then I didn't want to, so I didn't. I AM FUCKING AMAZING. Then on Monday, I also didn't feel like posting anything, so I once again didn't, which frankly confirms how awesome I am. Then last night, my wireless connection--which I steal from my neighbors--broke down in some unidentifiable way, which caused me to more or less toss the laptop around like it was a discount tin of anchovies--remember, I don't actually pay for wireless access, and therefore have no real right to get pissy about it when it goes sideways--anyway, I'm a complete asshole, I think must be the final point here.

And also anyway, here I am stealing from my neighbors again. Which makes me sort of on the plankton level of morality, until you consider--here in midsummer--what Hollywood is unloading on us. THAT'S RIGHT! It's once again time to prejudge some inconsolably awful movies.

Say, let's try a theme this time, and see if I can stick to it! I'm going with . . . testicles.

Daddy Day Camp

Jesus. Really? Cuba Gooding Jr. long ago joined that immortal group of Academy Award winners who are asterisked thusly: "No, seriously." Brian Doyle-Murray is also in this movie, but then Brian Doyle-Murray is contractually bound to be in every movie that nobody ever wants to see, forever. When they dig up John Travolta in 2025 to film Battlefield: Earth II, dead John will huskily rasp, "Tell me Brian Doyle-Murray is here."

Or you could just slam your testicles in a car door for two hours.

Stardust

Am I a creep for being kind of delighted that this movie features an actress named "Bimbo Hart"?

"Hey, who was that chick you fucked last night?"

"Bimbo Hart."

(Pause.)

"You are the greatest man who has ever lived."

Anyway, Michelle Pfeiffer looks kind of hot. And if Bimbo Hart turns out to be a nine year old girl, I'm going to feel really awful. Particularly in my testicles.

The Hottest State

Ethan Hawke wrote this novel that absolutely nobody at all read and now he's directing the film. Can anyone explain to me why we put up with Ethan Hawke? Here's IMDB's plot synopsis:

A young actor from Texas tries to make it in New York while struggling in his relationship with a beautiful singer/songwriter.

I defy anybody to tell me that they really want to see this film. I defy them with my TESTICLES. Nobody will watch this nightmare.

Invasion

It's directed by Oliver Hirschbiegel.h Line up, folks!

Happily, it stars Daniel Craig, who in the last Bond movie got some serious testicular damage courtesy of a giant rope. Even more happily, it stars the Aussie favorite Nicole Kidman in all of her exsanguinated glory. Kidman is one of our more wonderful actresses, mainly because with every film she does, she pares down the number of emotions that she is willing to portray. Back when Dead Calm came out, she was all, "Shirt? I don't need this shirt." Then when the indefensible horror that was "Moulin Rouge" came out, she was all, "I might be persuaded to cough on my bodice." And now we have this thing--a third iteration of what was--let's be honest--a pretty stupid allegory, where she's all, "I'm out of blood! I have lipstick and hair dye!"

She should have stayed married to Tom Cruise. Now that guy knows how to manage his testicles.