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Tuesday, 12 June
The Blackout Jungle

Some of you might have heard the news that The Sopranos concluded this last Sunday if you were paying close attention to the news. I think the weirdest moment of that next day--the day the Internet went sideways--was coming home and turning on Baseball Tonight and seeing various ESPN analysts stammering to respond to hopeless fucking questions like "So what do you think happened after the blackout?"

"I . . . well, I think Tony . . . Tony's concerned for his family, and his family is right there, and Tony, he cares for them. This show is all about family, both kinds of, uh, family, and Tony is finally with his family and I think he's happy about that."

"Karl, I think that the real message is right there on the screen: Don't stop believing. Tony never did."

Or some such nonsense from people named "Buster" or "Orestes" or "Gorp." Yes, hope and happiness have always been running themes on The Sopranos.

Weird. Weird and horrible. Look, I'm not pretending I know myself--Chase clearly didn't feel like providing anything resembling a conventional ending at all, and he's obviously enough of a misanthrope not to give a shit about it anyway. I have my theories--just like old Buster and Gorp up there--but when ESPN babblers start horning in, it's time to open up the floor to everyone, I guess. So I took the trouble to poll some of the best and the brightest, present and past, to get their take on the most important TV event since Princess Di missed her exit.

So what did you think about the final episode of The Sopranos?

Elmo, psychopathic Muppet

"Hee hee hee! Elmo liked when the old man got his head run over like an rotten melon! Ha ha ha ha ha! Elmo liked that! Elmo saw the bystanders making sick! Hee hee hee! You know what Elmo also likes? Skin! Elmo wants to eat young skin!"

Izzle Pfaff: "I, ah, I see. Any thoughts about the startling ending?

"SKIN! SKIN! ELMO NEEDS SKIN! HA HA HA HA HA!"

Richie Sexson, .200-hitting Mariners 1B; loathed member of current fantasy baseball team

"What? Hey, stop touching my skin."

Camille Paglia, loudmouth, professional terrifying person

"My generation of Sixties rebels wanted to smash the bourgeois codes that had become the authoritarian totems of the Fifties. As a feminist and a champion of the gay male, I find Tony's struggle to--"

Interview terminated.

Sylvia Plath, poet, Siouxsie Sioux progenitor, cruel posthumous punchline

"Tony, Tony, you bastard, I'm through."

Green Lantern, aka Hal Jordan, Guardian of the Universe, reciter of silly doggerel

"What the fuck was that? Even Rot Lop Fan thought that sucked. On the other hand, he really wants to hear more Journey."

IP: "What did Mogo think?"

"Mogo doesn't socialize."

Erwin Schrodinger, quantum physicist, pothead icon

"Until Mr. Chase agrees to another season, a superposition of states exist where Tony is both alive and not alive. Only when we receive new episodes will the wave function collapse and we may observe the result. I'm so high right now."


Note: Comments are closed on old entries.

Comments

over? over?! was it over when the germans bombed Pearl Harbor? NO!!.......

Comment number: 014202   Posted by: btroffded on June 13, 2007 10:00 AM from IP: 130.13.222.99

You know, that was the first episode of the Sopranos i've ever watched. It.... seemed like kind of a gyp. Why was the angry guy fat again?

I think i'll return to watching things that fit my gnat-like attention span:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fv1xS7P6y00&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww%2Eopendiary%2Ecom%2Fentryview%2Easp%3Fauthorcode%3DC101425%26entry%3D20484%26mode%3D

Neeeeet.

Comment number: 014207   Posted by: ELF Radio on June 13, 2007 08:29 PM from IP: 74.241.169.164

Dear Sir:

Elmo offers his sincerest apologizes for his behavior during your interview. You see, what most people don't know is that each time Elmo is tickled, he has a small seizure. The toy is a good representation of this, but omits the foaming at the mouth. During your interview, he exhibited some of the symptoms of his repeated brain damage. We hope you will consider Elmo as a guest again.

Yours truly,

Big Bird

Comment number: 014209   Posted by: JMH on June 13, 2007 09:08 PM from IP: 68.22.197.98

I wonder where all these character actors will end up next. So far I've seen Michael Imperioli selling home electronics and interviewing Patti Smith. (yes. really.)

Maybe Gandolfini can guest star in rap videos. Falco can get a Rachael Ray type show.

I rooting for Van Zandt to open a menswear outlet.

Comment number: 014218   Posted by: Steve on June 14, 2007 09:13 AM from IP: 65.112.81.26

It's not so much Schrodinger that's a stoner icon as his cat. I myself have a poster of that adorable cat accompanied by an inspirational caption hanging on the wall in a hermetically sealed room (the room has to be perfectly sealed at all times or the poster might mildew.) At least, I think that's where I left it...

"Hang in there, Baby!"

Comment number: 014220   Posted by: flamingbanjo on June 14, 2007 11:18 AM from IP: 216.254.16.115

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