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Thursday, 14 June
Prejudge Not, Lest Ye Be Prejudged

IT'S THE MOOOOST WOOONDERFUL TIIIIME OF THE YEEEEAR! It's summer movie blockbuster time! Let the killing rain of dreck commence! I want to run naked in your murderous downpour! I want to prejudge you!

(Normally right here I'd make some nonsense claim about having no intention of seeing these movies. I'd be lying, so I'm not going to say that. Except for Evan Almighty, which nobody will see.)

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer

The tagline for this movie is "Rise." Presumably they are referring to the penises of teenage boys whenever they find another dumb reason to show Jessica Alba wearing nothing.

Ha! See what I did there? I made an erection joke because of a hot chick who can't act. Not everyone can do that, mainly because it's pathetic! But I can! Practically every day! Hey, Anna Paquin! You're putrid! But sometimes you give me a boner!

See? I did it twice. Leave this kind of thing to the professionals, folks.

Anyway, this second FF movie carries a lot of promise because once again it features Ioan Gruffudd. This is awesome because: "Ioan Gruffudd." Also, I kind of hold out this desperate hope that they get so lost for ideas that they bring in the Black Racer.

DOA: Dead or Alive

What? Are we sure this is an actual movie? Shouldn't I have seen ads for anything that's supposedly being released in the next two months? It appears to be yet another video game movie, and it stars somebody named Jaime Pressly, whose name is familiar, but of whom I really know nothing except (thanks to IMDB) that she has enormous cans.

"Hey Jaime! You're probably putrid, but you . . . " Oh, forget it.

This movie is clearly going to be disastrously horrible, which means I cannot wait to see it on cable some fuzzy night while I clutch a bottle of off-brand rye. Here's some sample dialogue!

Bass: Tina! It's showtime!
Tina Armstrong: Dad! Not now I'm in my underwear.
Christie Allen: Which I hate. Why can't you just sleep in the nude like me you'll never know.
Bass: Oh my god.
Tina Armstrong: No dad, she's just another fighter we're just sleeping together.
Bass: Yeah I can see that.
Tina Armstrong: No. I mean we're not sleeping together we're just... sleeping.
Bass: Seems to me like my baby girl's found a special friend. We'll settle it tomorrow sweetie. Nice to meet you miss.
Christie Allen: Oh it's Christie.
Bass: Tina's real name's Christina!



When did John Cusack go from being to one of those rare actors who was liked by males and females alike (kind of a nerdier Johnny Depp) to . . . this? I submit that it was the terrible one-two combination of American Sweethearts, which audiences reacted to as if it was the offer of amateur surgery, and Identity, a movie that was a lot like amateur surgery.

I looked at the cast list hoping to see yet another embarrassing Stephen King cameo where he wanders around sucking on his teeth and acquitting himself terribly, but alas, he's nowhere to be found. Instead you get Tony Shalhoub, a fine fellow who apparently picks roles by blindfolding himself and throwing darts at piles of scripts, and Samuel L. Jackson, who--let's face it--has been coasting ever since he realized that after Pulp Fiction, he wasn't required to do anything at all resembling acting. He just has to show up as Big Sam, do his bit and cash his check. Sweet gig!

Evan Almighty

Seeing the ads for this day-glo nightmare, I was forced to wonder What the fuck, Steve Carell? Coming off of two pretty great comedies--The 40-Year-Old Virgin and Little Miss Sunshine--this is what you want? Jim Carrey's sloppy seconds? By the director of such . . . items as Patch Adams?

Then I figured it out. This is not a comedy. (It is, after all, directed by the noted drooling sadist Tom Shadyac.) This film is dead serious.

What it is, is a dedicated atheist's attempt to posit the inherent ridiculousness of the existence of God. This is a movie whose entire intent is--it must be--to portray a world in which God is such a terrible buffoon that His existence becomes, in light of the onscreen evidence, a world that cannot possibly exist. There is also the hard-to-ignore fact that God here (again) is played by Morgan Freeman, which would seem to point out any number of troubling issues, such as why God would be such a dick to people who actually were in his image as opposed to a bunch of white assholes who can't dance and perpetrate such crimes as Matchbox 20 and Tom Shadyac.

Another supporting point to this argument: I am frankly certain that Evan Almighty will share one overwhelmingly common trait with atheism: a complete and total absence of humor. Or anything resembling humor. Have you ever met a really fun atheist? A real cut-up, life-of-the-party atheist? Of course you haven't. They don't go to parties. They sit at home, chewing on their legs, dreaming up witty ripostes to esoteric Biblical quotes.

It's about time Hollywood finally embraced its Godlessness. I just wish they hadn't picked Steve Carell to deliver the message. He's too funny for a serious film like this.

God help us all.

Note: Comments are closed on old entries.


Sermons in every denomination should be required to end with "Oh, and by the way...Have you ever met a really fun atheist? A real cut-up, life-of-the-party atheist? Of course you haven't. They don't go to parties. They sit at home, chewing on their legs, dreaming up witty ripostes to esoteric Biblical quotes."

That way, congregants would lexit the church saying to one another, "That sermon sucked, but then again, so do atheists. Brunch?"

Comment number: 014226   Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' on June 15, 2007 04:32 AM from IP:

Jamie Pressly plays Joy on My Name Is Earl, and she's hilarious. really. i don't know if she can do anything else, but she's good on that show.

Comment number: 014227   Posted by: cleek on June 15, 2007 05:41 AM from IP:

Take back what you said about Anna Paquin. She won an Oscar!

Take it back.

Comment number: 014231   Posted by: on June 15, 2007 09:04 AM from IP:

Since you checked IMDB, you probably already know this as well, but Jaime Pressly was also in the god-awful Poison Ivy 2.

Mainly because of her large cans.

She picked up where Drew Barrymore left off in Poison Ivy. God or Morgan Freeman or someone help us!!

Although I must admit, she is pretty funny on My Name is Earl...

Comment number: 014232   Posted by: Suzanne on June 15, 2007 11:42 AM from IP:

Since you checked IMDB, you probably already know this as well, but Jaime Pressly was also in the god-awful Poison Ivy 2.

You'd think so, but I didn't. I couldn't be bothered to scroll down that dismally far. However, I did just now check out the Poison Ivy 2 listing on IMDB, and was cheered to find this in the "quotes" section:

Joy - Age 9: [Joy walks over to her mom, who is gardening] Mom. Catherine Greer: Hmm, Hi darlin.

Joy - Age 9: Hi.

Catherine Greer: [Hands Joy red plastic cup with with flower in it] This is for your tea party.

Joy - Age 9: [Joy accepts cup with flower] Thank you.

[Joy leaves to go back inside the house]


Comment number: 014234   Posted by: Skot on June 15, 2007 12:11 PM from IP:

(Also, not Poison Ivy 2. It was Poison Ivy: The New Seduction! What am I still doing here? My head hurts.)

Comment number: 014235   Posted by: Skot on June 15, 2007 12:14 PM from IP:

I've met plenty of atheists who are real cut ups. Now MORMONs, THOSE guys are a bunch of wet blankets. At least atheists drink, smoke and fornicate.

Comment number: 014237   Posted by: AndrewPDX on June 15, 2007 12:36 PM from IP:

A second vote for Pressly's hilarity on Earl.

The spelling of her name, though. Looks like it should be pronounced "hy-may." Shudders.

As for FF4:SS, at least the porn spoofs will be fantastic.

Comment number: 014240   Posted by: Steve on June 15, 2007 04:42 PM from IP:

Oh, and by the way, "cans" is a very derogatory, sexist term, and you should be ashamed for using it. They should be referred to as "fun bags" or "sweater puppies."

Comment number: 014246   Posted by: AndrewPDX on June 15, 2007 09:28 PM from IP:

They should be referred to as "fun bags" or "sweater puppies."

Or, in horror films, "death bags" or "chainsaw puppies," both of which would make great band names.

Comment number: 014249   Posted by: Dr Paisley on June 15, 2007 10:08 PM from IP:

Just because Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens are about as funny as... something not very funny, doesn't mean all atheists are -- oh, what the hell. It's all true.

Comment number: 014277   Posted by: flamingbanjo on June 18, 2007 10:37 AM from IP:

+5 for name-checking Black Racer. Would you believe he's the desktop image on the PC I'm using right now?

Comment number: 014278   Posted by: Khate on June 18, 2007 01:14 PM from IP:

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