WASHINGTON DC--

At a shocking press conference on Friday morning, actor and prankster Ashton Kutcher informed a stunned press gathering that the Bush administration has been a high-spirited prank orchestrated by the actor himself. "The past seven years, man . . . what can I say? You guys have all been punk'd." Supposed President George W. Bush then joined Mr. Kutcher onstage waving and smiling to the silent crowd while flashbulbs erupted in white cannonades. Dressed in a ratty "Voters Are Stupid Fags" t-shirt and Bermuda shorts, Mr. Bush grinned affably at the cameras and made flatulent noises by putting his right hand into his left armpit and flapping his arm.

Mr. Kutcher dissolved into laughter at this display while his wife, noted actress Demi Moore, snatched low-flying bats from the air and ate them with a blank-eyed vigor. Ms. Moore seemed to take no notice of the onstage antics of her husband and the ersatz president, but occasionally murmured ominous, cryptic phrases that were later determined by linguists to be ancient Aramaic incantations of immortality.

Presently, gathered reporters recovered from their immense shock, and began asking hard questions about the many controversial issues swirling around the evidently false administration.

"Mr. Kutcher, what about the Iraq war?" asked one.

"Oh, man, you guys should have seen your faces. That was [expletive] hilarious. I can't believe you fell for that [expletive]. It cost us a lot of money--like, billions, I guess--and a lot of lives, but those families who lost loved ones can rest tonight knowing that that [expletive] slayed. You wouldn't believe the ratings we pulled."

"It was so weird," continued Mr. Kutcher. "It wasn't like my movies at all. People really seemed interested in watching this stuff." At this point, pop music began playing, and Mr. Bush was seen to bend over an attractive blonde woman onstage and vigorously lick her back to the strains of "The Humpty Dance."

When pressed upon the myriad of other perceived administrative bungles of Mr. Bush's hoaxed administration, such as the Valerie Plame scandal and the ongoing questions surrounding embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, Mr. Kutcher equivocated. "Look, it's all fake. You guys . . . you guys all fell for it. You're just going to have to wait for the VH1 thing we've got coming out, and you'll see what was going on the whole time. I think you're really going to laugh. All right, guys, I've got to wrap this up--if Demi eats too many bats, she won't put out, or she'll just kind of lie there, you know?"

But there was one final question for Mr. Kutcher: If the Bush administration was a hoax, who was--and is--the real president?

Kutcher remained coy on the topic, winking and replying, "Maybe you should talk to David Geffen. We've got to go now, folks." Kutcher and Moore then arose to a waiting helicopter, using only the power of their meteoric fame.

When reached at his Paris apartment, Mr. Geffen denied being the first openly gay secret President of the United States, and in fact denied any such aspirations. "I am not your president, nor do I wish to be. I'm a free man in Paris," said Mr. Geffen. "I feel unfettered and alive. There's nobody calling me up for favors, and no one's future to decide."

But Mr. Geffen did have one intriguing clue to offer. "I suggest you talk to Grape Ape," he told this reporter.

When reached for comment on this story, Mr. Ape would only bellow "Grape Ape! Grape Ape!" Mr. Ape's press secretary Beegle Beagle failed to elaborate on these comments, opting instead to speed away in a tiny yellow car.