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Monday, 14 May
I Know What They're About To Do This Summer

It's time for the new crop of summer blockbusters . . . almost! In the meantime, Hollywood has some choice offerings that they're dropping like they're hot soaked in burning acid! I love my job. Let me again assure you that I have not seen any of these movies, and while I usually also append some lie about how I never will, I'm dropping that bit, especially since this weekend the wife and I watched Smokin' Aces, a movie so horrendous and mind-flaying that it has resulted in some sort of neurological trauma that has turned me into a sociopath who no longer cares about human life, much like every single character found in Smokin' Aces. Also like the creators of Smokin' Aces, I also do not care about coherent storytelling, competent editing, nuanced acting or unfiltered camera work.

In other words, I am perfectly equipped to watch all of these movies at some point. Pity me.

Even Money

Plot Outline: (All of these are lifted from IMDB) Gambling addiction bring the stories of three otherwise unconnected people together as it destroys each of their lives.

This caper comedy is made for all of us who have been waiting for Kim Basinger, Danny DeVito and Kelsey Grammer to get together and bring the yuks! How can you lose?

Oh. It's not a comedy of all. It's a crime drama. With Kim Basinger, Danny DeVito and . . . Kelsey Grammer. Gee. That sounds . . . good . . .

Hey, it's also got Ray Liotta and Jay Mohr! That sounds . . . good . . .

Is it getting dark in here?

What can be salvaged from this nightmare? Oh, let's go for the fun actor names. There's the appealingly salaciously named Amy Boatwright. One wants to approach her and say, "Hey, baby! I'll set your boat right!" Or there's also the equally wonderfully named Michelle Greathouse. "Hey, baby! Wanna give me a tour of your great house? I'm really interested in the downstairs." But then I'd probably run afoul of the truly awesomely named Texas Battle, who would forcefully remind me of the Alamo in several brutal ways.

I can think of worse ways to go, really. One of them includes watching this movie.

Mr. Brooks

Plot Outline: A psychological thriller about a man (Costner) who is sometimes controlled by his murder-and-mayhem-loving alter ego (Hurt).

Kevin Costner ... Mr. Earl Brooks
Demi Moore ... Detective Tracy Atwood
Dane Cook ... Mr. Smith
William Hurt ... Marshall
Marg Helgenberger... Emma Brooks

Dear filmmakers:

Were we bad? Did we do something? We are so sorry. We don't know what we did, really, but please, just tell us what it was. We won't do it again. Look, we bought these whips! We became flagellants when we saw the ads! We've lost so much blood . . . mommy . . .

Once

Plot Outline: A modern-day musical about a busker and an immigrant and their eventful week, as they write, rehearse and record songs that tell their love story.

[CLUNK]

Oh my goodness! Did I pass out for a moment there? Jeez, I did. It seems that just reading those shattering words gave me a transient ischemic attack. I'd best move on.

Gracie

Plot Outline: A teenager faces an uphill battle when she fights to give women the opportunity to play competitive soccer.

[CLUNK]

Ow! My brain! Oh, this isn't going well. I keep having tiny strokes! I fear that my dangerous mind may not be healed even by the cutting edge musical therapies that offer to bring it on through the talents of Mr. Holland and his opuses or even a drumline! RUUUUUUUUUUDY!

I'm entering a fugue state now, I fear. Must! Keep! Prejudging!

Rise: Blood Hunter

Plot Outline: Supernatural thriller in which a female reporter wakes up in a morgue to find herself a member of the undead. She vows revenge against the sect that put her there and hunts them down.

USA! USA! USA!

Er, well, it was shot in Belgium, but . . . USA! USA! USA!

Good lord, what happened to Lucy Liu? There was a time when she was on top of her game and all and then . . . what? My best guess is Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever happened, which is apparently the cinematic equivalent of Hodgkin's Disease. I myself watched it one night after the wife had sensibly retreated to bed, and I can confidently say that the movie made me wish for chemotherapy.

Which might explain why the formerly ascendant Liu is skulking around this disaster taking off her shirt on demand while grips dump buckets of stage blood on her. Michael Chiklis is also in this thing (ha! Get it?), presumably running around beefily and showing his lower teeth at anyone who happens to be around; so is Robert "Will act for Corn Flakes" Forster, who is a perfectly fine character actor; as is Marilyn "Brian Warner" Manson, who is a perfectly fine fake gimmick musician, just like previously fine fake gimmick musician/actors such as David Bowie and Alice Cooper. (Bring on the hate mail! I'm used to it. I've endangered more than a few friendships over my confusion as to why people kept falling for Bowie's incredibly cynical "No, really, this is the real me" line year after year after year, which was later completely ripped off by Madonna, also to great success. On the other hand, not even Bowie was stupid enough to do Monster Dog or Shanghai Surprise.)

Well, this is obviously going to be a mephitic horror. So why am I looking forward to this more than any other film?

I told you at the beginning. I have brain damage. And after watching these night-gaunts, so will you.


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Comments

The incomparable Andrew Shue, who you may remember from Melrose Place, and whose sister you might recognize from Adventures in Babysitting ("Don't fuck with the babysitter." - classic) was actually, I crap you not, interviewed on KJR sports radio this morning about Gracie.

He was just so sincere and earnest I wanted to cry. Or vomit. Ok, ok, I vomited tears, alright?

Comment number: 013928   Posted by: JJ on May 15, 2007 03:05 PM from IP: 67.168.63.153

Oh, Kurruk, you crack me up. In the best of ways.

Comment number: 013931   Posted by: Suzanne on May 15, 2007 04:16 PM from IP: 66.235.35.226

If you want to troll for hate mail you should add Dylan to the gimmick musician/actors list. I double-dog dare ya!

Comment number: 013945   Posted by: duaneg on May 16, 2007 05:20 PM from IP: 212.159.61.154

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