Hollywood never sleeps! It just occasionally dozes, and when it does, then all of its foul, misbehaving children immediately sneak out the window and into theaters where they then grope us and engage in all kinds of hideous cinematic frottage. For some reason, this always seems to happen right between Christmas and the summer blockbuster season. My only conclusion is that Hollywood executives cope with the post-holiday blues by drinking heavily, since no sober person could possibly decide that these movies are good or marketable or even tolerable.

Year of the Dog

This movie's riveting plot synopsis on IMDB is "A secretary's life changes in unexpected ways after her dog dies."

This movie's ad tagline is "Has the world left you a stray?"

LINE UP, EVERYBODY!

This movie, with Molly Shannon, Laura Dern, John C. Reilly and Peter Sarsgaard, appears to be Mystic Pizza, but with dead dogs instead of Annabeth Gish and Julia Roberts, and really, that might be an improvement. Unfortunately, I still wouldn't watch Mystic Pizza again even with the really audience-friendly inclusion of dead dogs, so . . . yeah, nobody will watch this.

The Reaping

Hey, not for nothing, but this movie is currently meriting a whopping 5% rating at RottenTomatoes.com. Oh boy!

I don't see why this should be, since the ads for this film strongly suggest that the hideous meat-golem Hilary Swank gets eaten by locusts, and fuck, I'd watch that. I'd buy that video. And I'd watch it on half-speed for hours on end, if it were sufficiently graphic.

Yet another alleged horror movie themed on the Biblical plagues, The Reaping appears to be just about as useless and unasked-for as the stunningly pointless remake of The Omen. You'll know exactly what's going to happen each and every moment, because you've seen this film a million times before. Remember Demi Moore's horrid The Seventh Sign? No? Then by all means, see this film. It's the same thing, except when you watch this one, instead of anxiously hoping for the lead actress to take off her shirt, you'll hope for the opposite. (Assuming you are a teenaged male, which I clearly still am.)

BONUS POINT: Also starring William Ragsdale, aka Charley Brewster from Fright Night! Boy, that was a terrible movie, but not as bad as this one will be. Welcome back, Mr. Ragsdale!

EXTRA BONUS POINT: Some IMDB member comments: "Instead of paying for this, go and buy or rent Signs." Wow. Since Signs is an astonishingly horrible pile of unwatchable shite, that's saying something.

Are We Done Yet?

Now this is the movie you want for pure, unadulterated horror. Answering the question that nobody ever asked--"Who wants a sequel to Are We There Yet?"--this movie is this year's Cheaper by the Dozen 2, a chilling disaster followup that resembles nothing so much as a dog returning to eat its own vomit. Rumor has it that there is a scene where the hilarious Ice Cube--noted for his comedic talents--falls down and/or makes faces. Also, John C. McGinley (CAN WE GIVE THIS GUY SOMETHING BETTER TO DO THAN "SCRUBS" AND THIS SHIT?) plaintively looks into the camera at one point and mouths "Please help me."

I can't wait for the third installment in this horrible series, entitled Am I Dead Yet?

The Hoax

From the cast list:

Richard Gere
Alfred Molina
Hope Davis
Marcia Gay Harden
Stanley Tucci
Julie Delpy
Eli Wallach

I thought for a while that this was a comedy project with the working title "Who Wants To Humiliate Richard Gere?" where the director surrounded the poor man with vastly superior actors and watched what happened. But then I noticed that the director is Lasse Halstrom, who has no identifiable sense of humor at all, and I was crushed.

Then I saw that Zeljko Ivanek is in it and I was cheered for a moment. That guy just doesn't look like a Zeljko to me! He's peachy.

BONUS POINTS: This will surely be the finest movie released this year that was filmed in Armonk, New York.

Slow Burn

This movie--which has been rotting in the can for about two years--carries the tagline albatross "The truth is just a trick of light."

My response: "God, fuck you."

Oh, what am I saying? Ray Liotta doesn't do bad movies. He's quality! I cite Smokin' Aces and Wild Hogs! Hey, what's up next for Ray?

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

Director: Uwe Boll

Cast List:

Jason Statham
Jonathan Rhys-Davies
Ray Liotta
Matthew Lillard
Leelee Sobieski
Burt Reynolds
Ron Perlman
Claire Forlani
Kristanna Loken

Oh my God. What does it say about me that I'd rather watch this film than Slow Burn?

Who wouldn't?