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Monday, 23 April
Gonzales Confined To Bed; Unable To Remember "Things Past"

WASHINGTON, April 23--Embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales was confined to a sick bed at his Washington residence on Monday, necessitated by a chronic asthmatic condition that has plagued the frail attorney for most of his life. In a short meeting with reporters on Monday, Mr. Gonzales pawed ineffectually at a plate of madeleines and gingerly sipped tea while continuing to profess that he "simply had no remembrance of certain things past" with regard to vigorous questioning regarding the controversial firings of eight United States attorneys.

"I don't even know what the fuck these little cookies are," said the Attorney General waspishly, brandishing a small, cake-like snack. Mr. Gonzales then wheezed audibly for a few minutes while cameras rolled in the cork-lined room that Gonzales regularly frequents during his neurasthenic attacks. He then upset his teacup, spilling its contents to the wood-grain floor, causing Mr. Gonzales a moment of agitation followed by what appeared to be the calm serenity of recollection of pure physical sensation.

But it did not last. Gonzales' demeanor changed abruptly moments later as he snapped at the gathered reporters, "You don't fool me! Who are you? Al Roker is here to eat my feet! Isn't he?"

Startled onlookers nonetheless pressed Mr. Gonzales on his attendance of meetings with particular relevance to the fired U.S. Attorneys, which the Attorney General continued to deny any memory of. "I can't remember anything," said Mr. Gonzales in pitiable tones. "Where is my mother? I need her money."

Before lapsing into semi-dazed, barely coherent rasps, Mr. Gonzales added, "The vicissitudes of life have become indifferent to me, its disasters innocuous, its brevity illusory . . . "

"This fucking guy," said Senator Patrick J. Leahy, Democrat of Vermont and chairman of the Judiciary Committee in a statement today. Senator Leahy then performed a hand motion widely recognized as the "jerk-off gesture" and rolled his eyes broadly. "You'd think he was French."


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Comments

Oh.my.God. Why are you not famous?

Comment number: 013277   Posted by: Alyxmyself on April 24, 2007 07:31 PM from IP: 68.201.0.251

He's famous in my world!

Thanks Skot. You = good.

Comment number: 013278   Posted by: Feisty Cadaver on April 24, 2007 07:52 PM from IP: 69.58.162.16

I meant like Andy Horowitz famous, he should be getting paid to write satire.

Comment number: 013296   Posted by: Alyxmyself on April 25, 2007 05:12 PM from IP: 68.201.0.251

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