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Monday, 05 March
Dance Lessons

It occurred to me that it had been quite a while since I visited with God, so I recently caught up with him at his place in Sequim for a chat.

Skot: Wow! This is quite a place!

God: I LOVE SEQUIM.

S: Really? Why is that?

G: DUDE. IT'S PRONOUNCED "SQUIM." THAT'S AWESOME.

S: More awesome than "Humptulips"?

G: I LOVE HUMPTULIPS. BUT THEN, I LOVE EVERYTHING.

S: Even David Caruso?

G: OY . . . YEAH. YOU KNOW WHAT I DON'T LOVE? TEQUILA. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING.

S: This is really pretty music you're playing. Very ethereal. Hey, is this the Cocteau Twins?

G: TREASURE IS A GREAT ALBUM. I PLAY IT ALL THE TIME.

S: That's great. What else do you like to listen to?

G: A LOT OF MOTOWN, REALLY. OH, AND I HAVE TO HEAR "GROOVY TRAIN" PRETTY MUCH ONCE A DAY.

S: "Groovy Train"? By the Farm?

G: TOTALLY. THAT GUITAR FIGURE IS AWESOME. I LOVE IT.

S: You love everything, though.

G: IT'S TRUE, BUT COME ON. YOU GOTTA DANCE!

S: If you say so. I also wanted to compliment you on your place here. It's lovely.

G: OH, THANKS. SORRY FOR THE MESS. I REALLY NEED TO MOP.

S: Oh, it's fine!

G: NO, NO, IT'S EMBARRASSING. I SHOULD HAVE MOPPED, BUT WHO WANTS TO DO THAT? I HATE MOPPING.

S: But you said earlier that you loved everyth--

G: (Sighs heavily) I KNOW WHAT I SAID. LISTEN . . . FUCK MOPPING, ALL RIGHT?

S: Uh, if you say so.

G: I DO.

S: You feel strongly about this, I can see. Never made any mention of it in the bible, though.

G: OH, LIKE I WROTE THAT. YOU GUYS ARE HILARIOUS. I LOVE YOU GUYS. WHEN YOU'RE NOT FUCKING MOPPING, WHICH THANKFULLY NOBODY EVER IS.

S: The . . . the bible isn't the word of God?

G: ARE YOU KIDDING? IT ISN'T EVEN THE WORD OF TODD. UNLESS ONE OF THOSE NUTTY MONKS WAS NAMED TODD. I GUESS IT'S POSSIBLE. ANYWAY, HAVE YOU READ THAT THING?

S: Just the dirty parts.

G: GOOD WORK. ANYWAY, THERE'S WHOLE SECTIONS IN THERE ABOUT THINGS LIKE BARLEY. BARLEY? WHAT THE HELL?

S: So . . . huh, that's weird. Are you saying that you're disavowing that the Good Book isn't really your word?

G: OH, FOR . . . LOOK, I LOVE YOU GUYS, BUT REALLY, CAN YOU LEAVE ME OUT OF IT? JUST DO YOUR THING, ALL RIGHT? I THOUGHT YOU WOULD LIKE THE IDEA: "DO YOUR OWN THING." YOU DRAG ME INTO ALL THIS STUFF . . . I GET SO MANY EMAILS.

The music changes, and the Farm's "Groovy Train" begins playing. God breaks into a sunny smile and shimmies a bit in his chair.

G: SEE? WHY DON'T YOU LISTEN TO THESE GUYS MORE? IT'S ALL RIGHT HERE IN "GROOVY TRAIN."

S: The Word of God is contained in "Groovy Train"? These are your words?

G: DON'T YOU LISTEN? NO, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE. THESE ARE THE FARM'S WORDS. I'M JUST SAYING, LISTEN UP.

S: So . . . you're saying that we should . . . get on the groovy train?

G: DO YOU HAVE A BETTER IDEA?

S: . . .

G: I DIDN'T THINK SO. THOSE AREN'T THE ONLY LYRICS, THOUGH. WHAT ELSE DOES THE SONG SAY?

S: Um . . . "You're so special"?

G: THERE YOU GO. THE IRONIC INTERPRETATION IS THE LAZY ONE.

S: I see.

G: LISTEN, I THINK WE SHOULD DANCE.

S: Right now?

G: CAN YOU THINK OF A BETTER TIME?

S: I honestly can't.

G: LET'S GO.

S: One last thing. If everyone is "special," somehow, doesn't that really mean that nobody is?

G: THAT'S THE STUPIDEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD.

S: . . . I'm sorry.

G: LOOK, DON'T BE. YOU GUYS FUCK THIS UP ALL THE TIME. LISTEN, ALL I'M SAYING IS, YOU FOLKS WOULD BE A LOT HAPPIER IF YOU LISTENED TO THE FARM. YOU WANT THE BIG SECRET? WILL YOU LEAVE ME ALONE IF I JUST COME OUT AND SAY IT? ALL I EVER WANTED TO SAY, THE FARM SAID IT JUST FINE. ALL RIGHT? CAN WE DANCE NOW?

You're so special.
Get on, get on, get on, get on the groovy train


Note: Comments are closed on old entries.

Comments

That? is seriously...my whole vibe. Thank you for so elegantly illuminating it.

Comment number: 012319   Posted by: Alyxmyself on March 6, 2007 06:36 PM from IP: 68.201.0.251

I'm not a religious man but I'd still be scared to write as the voice of God. Thank God you did it so I won't have to.

Now ... we ... dance.

Comment number: 012340   Posted by: Edward on March 7, 2007 10:27 AM from IP: 208.36.122.222

I don't know. Whenever I talk to him he want to play Barry White and dance with his hands on my ass. But otherwise we have the same conversation.

Comment number: 012483   Posted by: debbie on March 12, 2007 08:24 PM from IP: 75.34.157.5

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