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Wednesday, 28 March
Bush To Name Pete Rose As Attorney General

WASHINGTON DC--In a surprising and some say shocking reversal of position today, President Bush called for the resignation of embattled attorney general Alberto Gonzales and announced his intention to fill the position by appointing controversial former Major League Baseball player and manager Pete Rose. The statement was given at a press conference in the White House Thursday afternoon.

"It has become clear that Doctor Gonzo has become too polarizing a figure to be able to effectively carry out his duties as attorney general," said the President, using the now-familiar nickname for Mr. Gonzales. "While I deplore the partisanship and vindictiveness that motivated the attacks against Gonzo, I feel that both sides of the aisle are ready for a change. I plan to appoint Charlie Hustle for that position."

Reporters immediately peppered the President with questions about his plans. Many queries carried an edge of disbelief.

"Mr. President," stammered one reporter, "can you be serious? Pete Rose has, to my knowledge, no legal training, no experience, no record of public service, and is widely held to be a man of questionable character with only a glancing acquaintance with the truth. Given the allegations of dishonesty and obfuscation that dogged Mr. Gonzales, how can you make this announcement? Isn't the public likely to be outraged?"

When the President responded, his face was tight. "I want you to understand one thing about this whole thing: I don't give a rubber fuck what anyone thinks. Not you, not the American public, not the world. Do you understand? I've got a few months to do whatever the hell I want and nobody can stop me. You all can go shit on your heads for all I care. I'm not too proud to have the balls to say that."

The President then stepped from behind the lectern, unzipped his pants, and displayed his testicles to the assembled crowd. Cameras clicked in the hushed room while the President stood with hands on hips, his slightly elongated scrotum still hanging wanly from his trousers. After a few moments of continued silence, the President strode to the rear of the room, and after a brief struggle with the door, exited.

Reactions to the unexpected and unorthodox announcement were varied. When reached for comment at his home in Milwaukee, Commissioner of Baseball Bud Selig would only howl incoherently at reporters from his porch swing, occasionally brandishing a gold-tipped cane. Spokespeople for the Commissioner would not comment further, saying only that package deals offered exclusively through DirecTV would allow viewers to watch special footage of Mr. Selig rolling around ecstatically on large piles of money.

Mr. Rose played from 1963 to 1986, best known for his many years with the Cincinnati Reds. Rose, a switch hitter, is the all-time major-league leader in hits (4,256), games played (3,562), at bats (14,053), and outs (10328). Three years after Mr. Rose retired from professional baseball, allegations arose that he had bet on games, both as a player an manager; after years of denials, Mr. Rose acknowledged in 2004 that the accusations were true.

When reached for comment, Mr. Rose said, "Well, it's a hell of a thing. I didn't even see this coming, not at all. I've been thinking, though. Holy shit." Rose indicated that he planned to accept the appointment with pleasure, and demonstrated some familiarity with the turbulent situation that had brought Mr. Gonzales in the line of fire, suggesting that he would replace the infamous eight US attorneys that were fired by Mr. Gonzales with the disgraced members of the 1919 Chicago Black Sox.

Rose refused to speculate further on the unexpected turn of events. "I don't know, you guys. I'm still kinda fucked around on this whole thing. I mean, it's great. Only in America, I guess. I mean . . . hell, what are the odds?"


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Comments

"....his slightly elongated scrotum still hanging wanly from his trousers".
oh baby.
no writ of habeus corpus in Gitmo, son, you better yo back.

Comment number: 012827   Posted by: Alyxmyself on March 29, 2007 08:46 PM from IP: 68.201.0.251

Rose, a switch hitter,

Those stories about Pete, Marge and Schottzie are nothing but filthy lies spread by his enemies.

Comment number: 012849   Posted by: Dr Paisley on March 31, 2007 03:06 PM from IP: 65.26.97.216

You wrote this whole thing just so you could make that Pete Rose / odds crack, didn't you? *applauds*

Comment number: 012868   Posted by: J. Dunn on April 1, 2007 08:33 PM from IP: 216.15.124.237

Please, dear God, PLEASE post something else so I don't have to read about GWB's dick.

Comment number: 012892   Posted by: Kate on April 2, 2007 08:19 PM from IP: 70.132.28.112

Peace people

We love you

Comment number: 013344   Posted by: HelloWorld on April 28, 2007 05:03 AM from IP: 87.242.117.159

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