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Thursday, 04 January
It's The Most Prejudging Time Of The Year

The holidays are over and summer is nowhere in sight! Woo! It's time for everyone to sit glumly and realize that there's absolutely nothing to look forward to for months. I mean, honestly. Valentine's day? For couples, it's a bunch of fucking stress, and for the loners, it's an opportunity to resent the couples.

Hollywood feels our pain, of course. In fact, they enjoy exacerbating it. This is the most horrible time of year for moviegoers, so I feel fortunate that I don't go out to see movies any more. Instead, I sit at home and prejudge them.

Smokin' Aces

Awwww! I always have a soft spot for movies with lousy titles, mainly because they are almost always 1. like the titles, horrible and 2. doomed. (There are exceptions. I cite, for example, Forrest Gump. It was massively popular. I suspect it was also horrible, but I cannot say for sure, as I never bothered to watch it.)

Like the similarly horribly-titled and horribly doomed Lucky Number Slevin, this seems to be another hitman/mobster movie. Which is fine. What's less fine is that the star of the picture is Jeremy Piven. I mean, I have no real beef with Mr. Piven--in fact, that's kind of the problem. I actually don't think of him at all, including whenever he's onscreen. I know I've seen him in a dozen movies or so; it's just that he's so workmanlike and efficient, I never even notice him. He's like the washing machine: it makes noise, but you don't really pay any attention to it.

Maybe the supporting cast can help out! Let's see, there's Ben "Remember me?" Affleck, Peter Berg and Jason Bateman! Now, those are . . . other people who exist in the world!

Oy.

Miss Potter

Who pitched this?

"Okay, check it out. It's like Finding Neverland, only instead of J.M. Barrie, it's--"

"Who's J.M. Barrie?"

"The Johnny Depp guy. Anyway, this time it's Beatrix Potter!"

"Who's Beatrix Potter?"

"The rabbit chick. Uncle Wiggly or some shit."

"What the fuck are you--listen, gimme the bullet."

"Oscar bait. We've got Renee Zellweger and Ewan MacGregor and that pinched, pasty English chick with the limp hair."

"Kristin Scott Thomas?"

"The other one."

"Emily Watson?"

"Bingo."

"I love it."

The Hitcher

Anyone get the feeling that Hollywood is kind of scraping with the whole horror remake thing? The original 1986 movie with C. Thomas Howell, Rutger Hauer and Jennifer Jason Leigh was memorable mostly for the infamous french fry scene and the slightly toe-curling ending. This film was hardly crying out for a redo, except possibly for Howell, who must surely be asking, "Uh, can I try that again?"

I can't wait for pointlessly gore-filled remakes of such timeless classics such as Lifeforce (with Patrick Stewart and an always-naked Mathilda May!) or Knight Moves (with Christopher Lambert, Diane Lane and a thankfully not-naked Tom Skerritt!)

Epic Movie

You know, I'm sorry if you're one of these people, but I kind of want to take people who go see things like Scary Movie and Date Movie or whatever and shake them until their teeth fall out. Why do people put up with this fucking shit? Why do they pay money to watch this depressing crap? Jesus Christ, man, SNL is just as horrible, and it's free and comes right to your TV.

Whatever. This latest sewage attack features a bunch of no-name fuckholes (and, depressingly, a couple of genuinely funny people in Fred Willard and Jennifer Coolidge) listlessly gumming the half-erect jokes that are to be had by lampooning such cinematic events as the Harry Potter films and that wretched Narnia movie.

IMDB lists one character as "Breast Bite Girl" (and boy is that actress' listing . . . something) and another as "Manboobs!" Another is "Crotch Bite Guy" and poor Coolidge is apparently "The White Bitch of Gnarnia."

Look, I like potty humor and blue jokes well enough--hell, just look at my last entry. But is this the best we can do? Is this what people are crying out for? Maybe they can work in some Britney Spears jokes? Some dwarf footage? Maybe someone can just take a shit right onto the camera lens.

Please don't see this fucking movie. I'm begging you. Don't give these jackholes your money. I know it's the dead of winter and there's nothing in sight to look forward to, but I'm telling you . . . we can get through this.


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Comments

NOTES ON A SCANDAL! NOTES ON A MOTHERF*@#KING SCANDAL!

Oh, has that title concept been taken? Sorry.

Comment number: 010509   Posted by: Jeff on January 5, 2007 08:11 AM from IP: 209.32.109.28

I wonder if anyone's filmed anyone taking a shit onto the camera lens. They have to have.

Comment number: 010600   Posted by: Kate on January 8, 2007 07:43 AM from IP: 70.132.2.239

"Ffolkes." Hands down the worst title yet conceived. And as far as I remember from the reviews, also a pretty bad movie.

You missed nothing by not having seen "Forest Gump," except Gary Sinise with no legs. That was pretty cool. Also, that's what Matt Hasselbeck is going to look like come this time next week. (A little Chicago Bears braggadocio there. Sorry.)

This time of year is when DVDs are a godsend. Now I can go rent "Lucky Number Slevin!"

Comment number: 010603   Posted by: AndrewPDX on January 8, 2007 11:06 AM from IP: 216.151.5.104

So, so hard to choose the best Jonathon Silverman title. I have narrowed it down --and by title, I mean just the title. No way in hell has anyone on earth actually seen all six of these:

Two Guys Talkin' About Girls

Pryor Offenses

It Is What It

These Old Broads

Men Named Milo, Women Named Greta

Sketch Artist II: Hands That See

Comment number: 010902   Posted by: Amanda on January 16, 2007 03:16 PM from IP: 12.171.13.133

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