EVERYWHERE, Jan. 25, 2007--For the second time in one year, Vice President Dick Cheney was involved in a gun-related incident once again after shooting you in the face with a shotgun earlier today.

Reportedly enraged with the media and public reaction to President Bush's recent State of the Union address, which was described as "imbecilic", "insulting" and "full of tainted meat" by its nine viewers, Cheney embarked on an ambitious project to shoot every American in the face, including you.

"We're running terribly low on blood supplies," commented Dr. Henry Bendix at Harborview Trauma Center in Seattle, Washington. "We desperately need donors." Dr. Bendix was about to expand on these comments, but was then suddenly shot in the face by Mr. Cheney. Nurses, orderlies and security guards converged on the bloody scene, and were all immediately shot in the face by Mr. Cheney, who paused after the carnage to dip his fingers in his victims' blood and stripe his cheeks with the salty gore. "That is not dead which can eternal lie. And with strange aeons even death may die," panted the Vice President enigmatically before loping off into the distance in hunt for more victims, such as you.

According to White House sources quoted prior to being shot in the face, Mr. Cheney erupted with a killing rage immediately following press reaction to President Bush's puzzling State of the Union speech. Bush had declared the state of the nation to be "strong" and "nicely scented" before going on to declare his plans to "hunt down some prime snartch." Bush also spent time detailing his plans to reform shoe sizing in this country, which he described as "inconsistent." "I buy a twelve at Kinney's and it's like, it's like, a ten and a half at Thom McCann's. It's all fucked up," he said, resulting in scattered, confused applause from the audience.

Cheney reportedly bridled at the intense and widespread disapproval of the speech, which Cheney reportedly insisted was "fucking boss" to anyone who would listen, including aides and White House junior staff, all of whom gibbered insensibly with mortal fear prior to being shot in the face by Mr. Cheney.

At press time, you are currently listed in critical condition at your local hospital or hastily-assembled triage tent, loitering impatiently at death's door. Had all medical officials--and every other citizen in your region--not been shot in the face by Mr. Cheney, your prognosis would be listed as "Oh, man." You are a resident of where you live, and would be described by friends and family, had they all not been shot in the face, as

Note: Just prior to filing, this reporter was shot in the face by Dick Cheney.