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Wednesday, 08 November
Mid-November Prejudging!

HERE COME THE HOLIDAYS!

And you know what that means! Horrible movies! Diabetic treacle! Appalling children's fare! Numbingly earnest juggernauts of capital-D Drama! Bizarre, unclassifiable projects that . . . uh . . . got done shooting! I guess!

Let's prejudge some of them.

A Good Year

Noted director Ridley Scott (White Squall, GI Jane) teams up with one-trick pony author Peter Mayle to deliver a moving character piece in which a rich white asshole (believably played by Russell Crowe) manages to find spiritual peace after inheriting a French vineyard and subsequently fucking an enigmatic, attractive woman.

Hey, we've all been there! I can't wait for the ironic scene where Crowe's character throws a phone at the woman's head for accidentally pinching his nuts during the candlelit handjob scene. In an honest world, A Good Year would also carry the subtitle: A Horrible Movie.

(NOTE: Firefox 2.0's spellchecker doesn't like "handjob." Interestingly, it also doesn't like "spellchecker.")

Deja Vu

Speaking of punishingly ticcy directors with the surname "Scott," here comes Tony Scott! Coming off the universally loathed, spectacularly unwatchable Domino, Scott once again looks to induce seizures with Deja Vu, which, if he keeps to form, will be edited in such a way as to make you want to pull the lobes of your brain apart. (I will confess here that True Romance remains one of my fonder guilty pleasures.)

Deja Vu apparently posits the idea that the familiar phenomenon is actually a government plot to . . . oh, who fucking cares? It's a summer movie that . . . didn't get done in time for summer! Jim Caviezel is in it, so maybe he'll treat us to a little more of that Aramaic that we've been longing for since he did the Jesus. "Please, Tony . . . I had to learn this shit. Please let me use it." Tony will probably let him; it's not like Tony Scott has ever demonstrated anything resembling restraint or coherence.

BONUS! IMDB lists some gripping character names such as "Time Window Lab Tech," "Ferry Survivor #3," and, my favorite, "Guy with Backpack's Girlfriend (Featured)." It should be noted that the listing for "Guy with Backpack's Girlfriend (Featured)" is listed before a character with an actual name, "Janice." Suck it, Elle Fanning!

Bobby

This serious ensemble piece about the assassination of Bobby Kennedy was written and directed by Emilio Estevez (Men At Work).

Fast Food Nation

Eric Schlosser's muckraker was a provocative and popular piece of extended journalism that sold millions. How to cash in further? Make it into another sprawling, confused ensemble piece, directed by the insufferably overrated Richard Linklater!

(Linklater fucking pisses me off. I wish he'd stick to what he's good at, which is disarming comedies like School of Rock and Dazed and Confused, rather than cardboard pretensions like the execrable Waking Life or Before Sunrise, which I mentally renamed Before Suicide.)

Fur: An Imaginary Portrait of Diane Arbus

What a title! This movie will make millions. That is, if frat boys assume that it's a film about some porn actress's incredibly amazing pussy hair. If not, then this movie will not be seen by anybody on earth, as it is the worst title since (still my reigning favorite) Soft Toilet Seats.

Speaking of horrific movie titles . . .

The Wind That Shakes the Barley

I . . . well, this is bad. I didn't think the badness of the Diane Arbus title would be topped soon.

Here, let me try.

The Hat That Gives Me A Hat-Crease. (You Know, In My Hair)
Pants!
Robin Williams Eats A Cantaloupe
How Stella Got Her Library Card

No. I'm not up to the task.


Note: Comments are closed on old entries.

Comments

Now I have a Dead Can Dance barley-shaking earworm. Thanks, Skot.

Comment number: 008913   Posted by: judith on November 9, 2006 09:47 AM from IP: 67.124.90.63

"white asshole (believably played by Russell Crowe) manages to find spiritual peace after inheriting a French vineyard and subsequently fucking an enigmatic, attractive woman"

Dude, you're not going to believe this, but this really did happen to me. Except it was a potato farm in Hungary, and I was gang-raped by migrant workers.

I love the movie titles. How about Pirates of the Upper St. Lawrence Seaway?

Comment number: 008914   Posted by: Diesel on November 9, 2006 09:56 AM from IP: 69.45.189.144

Oooh! Oooh! Let me try! How about: "Supersized 2: Peristaltic Boogaloo!"

Comment number: 008915   Posted by: Andrew on November 9, 2006 10:32 AM from IP: 70.98.240.174

You didn't like Before Sunrise? Interesting. Please let me know how things go next month when you're stealing Cindy Lou Who's tree.

Comment number: 008919   Posted by: Joe on November 9, 2006 06:36 PM from IP: 68.164.39.154

It should be noted that if you like Soft Toilet Seats, you might also like Hot Times. Which has these alternate titles: A Hard Day for Archie, My Erotic Fantasies, and Sweet Sixteen.

As you may or may not have gathered from these titles, this is "An American Graffiti with sex!" and seems to be all about creating a porn out of the cherished Archie comics.

I am checking Netflix right now...

Comment number: 008963   Posted by: Amanda on November 13, 2006 10:10 AM from IP: 12.171.13.133

I would *so* stand in line to see "Robin Williams Eats A Cantaloupe."

Comment number: 008968   Posted by: Kate on November 13, 2006 09:10 PM from IP: 70.132.4.207

Well, now that you've had your fun, let's take a look at where this title originated:

"The song is written from the perspective of a doomed young Wexford rebel who is about to sacrifice his relationship with his loved one and plunge into the cauldron of violence associated with the 1798 rebellion in Ireland. The references to barley in the song derive from the fact that the rebels often carried barley oats in their pockets as provisions for when on the march. This gave rise to the post-rebellion phenomenon of barley growing and marking the "croppy-holes", mass unmarked graves which slain rebels were thrown into, symbolising the regenerative nature of Irish resistance to British rule." - from Wikipedia entry on "The Wind That Shakes the Barley"

So, in effect, you may be making fun of a very sensitive part of the Irish soul. I don't know if you care, but...

Bombs away,
E.

Comment number: 008974   Posted by: Eliot St. John on November 14, 2006 08:32 AM from IP: 24.199.184.22

Hello!


Did you know that you're a googlewack??

Lots of love,

Dom and Becki Xx

Comment number: 009740   Posted by: Dom and Becki on December 10, 2006 12:36 PM from IP: 87.102.36.249

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