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Monday, 16 October
'Tis The Season To Prejudge Movies

It's that time of year again! Summer has come and gone, and with it goes all of the big summer movies! It's fall! It's fall! It's time to ROLL OUT THE HORSESHIT!

God, I get all tingly. Let's prejudge some movies!

Saw III

As everyone knows, the first Saw was made for twenty-five cents by a couple of dreary perverts who listened to one too many Rob Zombie songs and then went on to make equivalent of the GDP of Chad, and all of this despite a risible performance by Cary Elwes, who appeared at times a little too eager to chop off his own foot. Maybe he wanted a fair shot at the director. God knows I'd need to be chained down if someone handed me that script.

But for all that, the wife and I kind of liked the gummy, dumb atmosphere of that first one. I mean, don't get me wrong, it was garbage--heavily machined, clumsily shot, Danny Glover's spinal block--but earnest, infectiously gleeful garbage all the same.

Then came Saw II, a thoroughly repellent and nauseating affair that carried the Mephitic stink of cashing in. Cut from the same dreary cloth as Eli Roth's nauseating torture porn film Hostel, Son of Saw featured touching scenes like the one where a girl is thrust into a well full of hypodermic needles, where she thrashes wildly, provoking heart-rending sympathy from the viewer, who feels exactly the same way.

So, what's in store for Saw III? Here's a tidbit from IMDB:

Trivia: According to 'Darren Bousman' , the fans of the "House of Jigsaw" Message board heavily influenced this film.

This is excellent news and should cause fans to take heart. People who hang out on internet message boards are the only people worth listening to these days. I think we can all agree on that. Thumbs up, producers! I can't wait for the scene where the vampire Democrats come on Paris Hilton's hair.

Flags of Our Fathers

Well, my father is Estonian. I look forward to loving shots of that proud Baltic banner waving in a chill wind.

Sigh. Look, I admire our veterans as much as the next guy, but after being anointed as The Greatest Generation and all the rest, can we give it a fucking rest? Clint Eastwood trades in his burnish-cam for gritty-cam in this story, I guess, about one of history's favorite staged photos. It all kind of bums me out, since I really liked Unforgiven. Then came the execrably titled Million Dollar Baby and its Hillary Swank stick-armity, and now this fucking pile of shit.

You heard it here first! Fucking pile of shit. I have no intention of seeing this movie any more than you have any plans to go see whatever that laughable thing called The Marine is that's being limply flogged these days.

I turn again to IMDB to provide damning evidence of this film's badness, and IMDB always comes through:

1. Jared Leto turned down a key role in order to commit his time to his band, 30 Seconds to Mars.

Read that a few times to yourself in a dark room late at night. That one sentence is ten times more terrifying than Saw III could ever hope to be.

2. Writing Credits: Paul Haggis

Yes, the same guy who wrote last year's Oscar winner, the widely loathed Crash. Oh boy!

3. Ryan Phillippe .... John "Doc" Bradley

Hold me.

The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause

Oh my God.

Look, this isn't even fair. Are there parents who are really so pliant, so completely fucking desperate to shut their awful children up that they will willingly succumb to nightmares like this? There must be, because there's three of them now.

This . . . object . . . features two of planet Earth's most offensive personalities, Tim Allen and Martin Short, and then for further abuse, throws in the once-blazing-hot Ann Margaret, apparently just for the pure sadism of it all. The writers probably have her breaking her hip or eating a pile of reindeer testicles or something. Meanwhile, I'm sure Tim Allen can be found gruffing it up while making fart jokes and then we can cut over to Martin "Will Mince For Screen Time" Short licking a dog's ass. Hey, it's a holiday movie!

Note that IMDB lists Kevin Pollak and Judge Reinhold in the cast. You have to kind of feel bad for Kevin Pollak. You kind of have to judge Reinhold.

Pffft. Saw III? Give me a break. We've found this season's true horror movie. Torture doesn't come any purer than this.


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Comments

I saw Jared Leto's band in DC once. They weren't bad, but it took a lot longer than 30 seconds and, to tell the truth, I don't think we really ever got to Mars.

Comment number: 008536   Posted by: i, squub on October 17, 2006 05:39 AM from IP: 216.207.65.61

I've often wondered: if the "Greatest Generation" got its name by making it through the Depression and winning WWII, then is the previous generation the "Crappiest Generation" for having caused those problems in the first place?

Comment number: 008553   Posted by: Andrew on October 18, 2006 11:01 AM from IP: 70.98.240.174

But the poster for Saw III was made with real blood! http://www.rottentomatoes.com/news/comments/?entryid=368939

Yeah, I've got nothin'.

Comment number: 008621   Posted by: Candi on October 20, 2006 10:54 AM from IP: 71.215.182.205

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