Links:


Write me:
skot AT izzlepfaff DOT com

Archives:
Thursday, 17 August
Wolfman: 'I Killed JonBenet'; Adds, 'Rrrrrrr'

10:11 PM PDT, August 17, 2006

BOULDER, Colo.--In a startling development in the infamous 10-year-old case of the murder of JonBenet Ramsey, a new suspect emerged today from an unexpected corner.

A hairy, raging Wolfman, appearing at a news conference at a Bangkok, Thailand, detention facility, told reporters he was with the 6-year-old girl when she died. "Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!" howled the creature, slashing at gathered reporters with vicious claws, foam dripping from his fangs. "Awrooooooooooooo!"

When asked if he was innocent, Wolfman replied: "GNAAAAARR!"

But Boulder District Attorney Lou Costello declined to comment on what evidence her investigators have implicating Wolfman. "Do not jump to conclusions, do not rush to judgment, do not speculate," he said. He also indicated that "public safety" concerns and fear that he might initiate a frightening killing spree borne of bloodlust or possibly undergo a mysterious supernatural transformation into human form had prompted him to have Wolfman arrested before his investigation was complete.

Assistant District Attorney Bud Abbott concurred with Costello's assessment, then appeared to disagree, and so on, eventually leading to a rapidly escalating volley of amusing wordplay that ultimately culminated in the two attorneys accidentally shooting each other in the chest simultaneously. The gathered press roared in helpless laughter as the two bled to death on the press platform, and then tearfully and weakly concurred that the entire display was hilariously emblematic of the bumbling nature that has characterized the investigation of the adorable white girl' murder from the beginning.

Many investigators and lawyers who have been following the case for a decade said that while they were hopeful the authorities had the right person, they were skeptical of Wolfman's confession.

"For one thing, 'Gnarrrrr' isn't really anything but an animalistic growl," remarked legal analyst Victor Van Helsing. "It certainly won't hold up in court." He added, "I should say as well that I have known Wolfman since he was a teenager. He raised himself up from a troubled, leather-jacketed youth to a kind man who found the strength from God to take the highway to Heaven straight to a little house right out there on the prairie."

"This confession seemed delusional," said another attorney, Vlad "Spike" Tepes, adding, "DEL-OOOOO-SIONAL!" while theatrically popping his eyes and waggling his fingers at this reporter. Tepes said that under Colorado law, prosecutors cannot obtain a valid conviction without evidence that corroborates a confession.

In a hastily convened press conference, the zombie Patsy Ramsey, who died in June of 2006 after a battle with ovarian cancer, would only say, "BRAAAAAAIIIIINS! BRAAAAAIIIINS!" before being hustled away by flacks from the Today Show, who reportedly have scheduled an upcoming three-day interview with the still-grieving undead corpse. Spokespeople from the Today Show are also supposedly in discussion with George Romero to appear.

In the meantime, confusion abounds in this controversial case, which continues to hold a nation in thrall. Newly revitalized Hammer Studios has announced a film based on the story, due to begin shooting in November, reportedly helmed by director Rob Zombie. Footage of Kirsten Dunst's character from 1994's Interview With the Vampire will be digitally altered for use in the film to portray JonBenet after early screen tests determined that Dakota Fanning was "way too ugly," according to industry reports. "Plate-eyed and screechy," was the assessment of another industry insider, who requested anonymity.

With the aid of noted parapsychologist and medium Tangina Barron, this reporter was able to contact the departed shade of JonBenet Ramsey, who when asked about her feelings about the investigation, would only comment, "Do you think I'm pretty? Tell me I'm pretty."

Additional reporting for this story was provided by Christopher Lee.


Note: Comments are closed on old entries.

Comments

(RE: "Girls, girls, churl" - I wasn't sure if the entries were considered "old" and therefore "closed" but didn't want to write a long comment just to have it get deleted, thus this comment under the latest entry.)

Hi Skot.

I've read your blog for a couple of years now and I'm about to turn your site into something you never dreamed it might be, a portal to a self-help consultation.

See, I need to talk to your wife. Your antics are fucking hilarious and give me great delight. As I continue to read them though, I've noticed, quite alarmingly, their resemblance to my own boyfriend's, who, among other things, threatens to greet me one day with his pubic hair dyed bright orange and a clown face painted on his dick and often implores me in his own Cletus-like voice to "touch him where he pees".

I take most of them in stride (partly because I've been conditioned past the point of no return, but also because they're really fucking funny), but there are definitely times when I get all wistful at another romantic opportunity getting taken to the chainsaw cleaners. This is not to say that I don't appreciate that he's not a vacuous bag of drippy-ass Hallmark phrases, because it's one of the things I love about him, but sometimes acknowledging and experiencing the trade-off is a bitch.

I don't actually have to talk to your wife, but it would please this reader to know that she gets the word that she is fully appreciated by some completely random freak on the internet, because there is nothing more fufilling than that!

Thanks,
L

Comment number: 007909   Posted by: laura on August 18, 2006 09:21 AM from IP: 69.251.228.189

Skot;

The rape and murder of a litte girl aren't funny.

You should be ashamed of yourself, but I'm sure that isn't possible.

Comment number: 007911   Posted by: Joe Mama on August 18, 2006 10:04 AM from IP: 70.177.3.84

Bravo. My husband is a Neil Diamond impersonator who dedicates "Girl, You'll Be a Woman Soon" to Jon Benet. I thought that was sick but this is way better. I'm going home to throw a beer can at his head.

Comment number: 007915   Posted by: Estacia on August 18, 2006 10:55 AM from IP: 17.104.79.90

C'mon folks, cheer up. Naturally rape and murder (of anyone) aren't funny or delightful, but there are ginormous entertainment industries dedicated to pornographic ogling of just such crimes... or have you never watched a horror film? We whistle in the dark so that the bad monsters won't get us.

I was fine, until you got to the part where the zombie mama was commenting... then I shot milk out my nose-- and I wasn't even drinking milk!

Comment number: 007916   Posted by: Linda on August 18, 2006 02:14 PM from IP: 68.255.109.184

Skot you have stooped to a new low. My God it was awesome.

Comment number: 007918   Posted by: Todd on August 18, 2006 08:16 PM from IP: 24.22.108.67

Mr. Mama- What about the rape and murder of a banana peel? I think you have to admit THAT would be funny.

Comment number: 007919   Posted by: monk on August 21, 2006 11:21 AM from IP: 128.151.189.172

Blows my mind that this would seem unexpected coming from someone who left a bottle of urine on their table for a month, Joe.

Comment number: 007925   Posted by: Amanda on August 22, 2006 09:36 AM from IP: 69.8.148.130

Post a comment