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Monday, 07 August
The Incredible Dourness Of Prejudging Movies

Ah! It's August! We're nearing the end of summer, and therefore we're entering another gorgeous Hollywood time where the studios roll out all of the appalling detritus that was deemed unworthy of an actual summer release. It's a glorious time to be alive, particularly if you assiduously avoid movie theaters. Let's see what's coming up, and slag things accordingly!

Pulse

I have made it clear that I love IMDB wholeheartedly for so many reasons. One of the reasons is leering at cast lists for things like sure-to-be-disappointing J-horror movies. Pulse does not disappoint. Why do you not post a photo to IMDB, Tate Hanyok! If I had ovaries, I'd be clamoring for your essence, Ian Somerhalder! Please do not eat my face, Joseph Gatt!

(Mr. Gatt, whose credited role is that of "Uber Phantom," also has a delightful bio entry on IMDB, and the first sentence reads: "When Joseph discovered he was color blind at the age of 14, he realized that he would never be able to fulfill a lifelong ambition to be a pilot and fly fast jets." I was kind of a chickenshit kid, and only dared dream of paralyzingly slow jets, the kind that wait for baby ducks to cross.)

As with a lot of these movies, I fully plan on seeing it on cable someday. In fact, I might already have seen it! I think it was called White Noise. Maybe Joseph Gatt ate Michael Keaton's face! In fact . . . fuck all this! Can we have a two-hour movie with nothing but Joseph Gatt eating Michael Keaton's face? I'd watch that! Who wouldn't! It's the perfect horror movie. Or comedy. Or the feel-good feature of the year!

Say it with me! Joseph Gatt Eats Michael Keaton's Face! It's the Snakes on a Plane for 2008!

Speaking of which . . .

Snakes on a Plane

Yes, yes, the internet phenomenon that single-handedly catapulted a one-liner of a title into the Next Big Thing; a little help from willing caricature Samuel Jackson didn't hurt, and neither did his sudden enthusiasm for Shatneresque self-parody. Honestly. Does anyone really believe that this movie can possibly live up to the ridiculous heights of badness-slash-goodness that it promises? NOW WITH 25% MORE MOTHERFUCKERDOM! Jeez, Sam, really? You're not without talent, but is this where you wanted to go?

Look, I don't mind amusing internet memes or anything, but all I'm saying is, look what You're The Man Now, Dog metastasized into. This is going to be the movie analogue of YTMND. However, I fully expect that the incredibly fireproof Mr. Jackson--whose resume includes such excruciating feculence as S.W.A.T. and the Shaft remake--will come out utterly unscathed. Motherfucker.™

And speaking of trade . . .

World Trade Center

The career of Nick Cage is really puzzling. I first remember him lurking around the peripheries of Fast Times at Ridgmont High, where he apparently lost out the Spicoli role to Sean Penn, back before Penn had his sense of humor surgically removed. Here's some of Cage's more recent screen gems, some of which were allegedly seen by people somewhere, perhaps in the Kalahari:

The Weather Man (2005)
Lord of War (2005)
National Treasure (2004)
Matchstick Men (2003)

Hmmm. (National Treasure 2 is in the works, by the way, for everyone who breathlessly awaits more footage of Cage walking on rickety stairs. So is Ghost Rider, for comic book fans, and also people like me who would like to see Nick Cage's face on fire.)

So now we're faced with World Trade Center, Oliver Stone's plonking, minor-key tribute to heroic moustaches, as played by Nick Cage, looking for all the world like some guy who missed the cut for a Tom's of Finland poster.

Look, I'm not insensitive to the topic or its aims, but Nick Cage? And the gentle ministrations of legendary crank Oliver Stone? I can't wait for the soaring soundtrack featuring a soulful Blink 182 acoustic cover of "For What It's Worth." Frankly--and yeah, I haven't seen anything but the damn ads, so whatever, BUT--fuck this movie. I don't want to see it.

It doesn't even matter what I say, of course. It's going to get its ass handed to it by Talladega Nights. Make of that what you will. Oliver Stone and Will Ferrell.

Swell.


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Comments

Ghost Rider has apparently been pushed to summer 2007. Given enough of a line, I'd put money on that bad boy lasting all of three weeks in the theater, knuckle-chewing Johnny Blaze (n&eacut; Johnny Coppola) and all.

Comment number: 007884   Posted by: Snarky on August 8, 2006 12:53 PM from IP: 129.22.115.127

Please, please, please, please, please review The Descent. Because if you don't convince me it's bad, I might see it, and then I'll never sleep again.

Comment number: 007889   Posted by: Kate on August 9, 2006 11:59 PM from IP: 70.231.239.224

Lord Of War was great, and Matchstick Men was decent. For the record.

Comment number: 007893   Posted by: Steveq on August 10, 2006 06:47 PM from IP: 65.112.81.26

I saw World Trade Center. All it did was bring to my attention the amount of policemen and firefighters there are with moustaches. It seems to be a requirement.

Seems like a fire hazard to me, really.

Comment number: 007898   Posted by: on August 14, 2006 10:10 PM from IP: 67.85.90.125

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