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Monday, 05 June
This Just In

Grangeville, Idaho Residents Applaud Chertoff For Inexplicable Antiterrorism Funds

GRANGEVILLE, IDAHO -- In a rare show of solidarity, state Republicans and one amusing housepet state Democrat lauded the White House Saturday for cutting New York City's antiterrorism funding by 40 percent and funnelling the savings to the tiny township of Grangeville, proud county seat of Idaho County, the largest county in Idaho, and home to large piles of scrap tin. Grangeville stands to receive nearly $42 million dollars in the decision.

The stunning decision was announced by Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff, who explained, "I think we're all pretty tired of giving these funds to kikes, fags and you know. This is the Department of Homeland Security, not the Department of Homeboy Security, you know? It's time to protect real Americans."

Representative Pete King, Republican of New York, charged that the Bush administration had "declared war on New York" with its decision to reduce antiterrorism funding by $83 million while increases went to cities like French Lick, Indiana; Army Of Apes, Wisconsin; and Grangeville.

"I'm not begrudging any other city, but why would you cut the number one target in the country by 40 percent?" said King, who demanded an investigation. "How can you possibly justify that?"

Responded Chertoff to reporters, "Pete King is a total pole-smoker. Listen, I get my orders just like anyone else: from Kang the Conqueror." When pressed for details, Chertoff demurred, saying, "I've already said too much."

Local leaders are already making plans for the influx of federal funds, including a much-publicized push towards increasing security around hotspots such as the town's much-loved stoplight; also to receive funding is Gravity Hill, the well-known side road where cars can seemingly be made to roll uphill.

"Chicks love that shit," explained resident Rudy Snell. "Chicks love to roll uphill. Then you go park at the Haunted House, and damn. I don't know. I guess it's, like, physics."

"Listen," continued Mr. Snell. "Does this mean free rubbers?" The Department of Homeland Security refused comment on the question.


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Comments

Oddly enough, Army Of Apes, Wisconsin isn't capable of defending itself from terrorist attack.

Comment number: 007569   Posted by: flamingbanjo on June 6, 2006 02:27 PM from IP: 64.65.181.81

Idaho has potato(e)s. Potato(e)s have heft. Mass. Density. Arm the populace with even rudimentary potato(e) launchers and the problem simply solves itself.

It's these poor dumb cocks in Wisconsin we have to protect. Seriously, cheese offers no protection whatsoever and Wisconsonianadianites are perilously close to Canada which is a terrorist hotbed. Triple funding for Wisconsin.

Comment number: 007571   Posted by: ColdForged on June 6, 2006 02:58 PM from IP: 24.199.147.254

Hey, I just finished reading your "Our Wacky Government" archive and comments through "Election." Where in F@!K is Biff when you need him to explain crap like this? I'm sure he has all the answers.

Comment number: 007573   Posted by: Todd on June 7, 2006 08:57 PM from IP: 24.22.108.67

Alert Stephen den Beste! He'd argue that the cars rolling uphill is a real gravitational anomaly.

Comment number: 007588   Posted by: norm on June 12, 2006 08:22 AM from IP: 69.2.236.122

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