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Thursday, 01 June
Thinking Big

This evening while taking a smoke break outside of our rehearsal venue--a church basement, and it is positively magnificent compared to some places I've rehearsed--I took note of their cliched church signboard. YOU WILL BE MY WITNESS, it said, in big appropriately Godlike caps. But out of the corner of my eye, I thought for a moment it actually said, YOU WILL BE MY ILLNESS.

Boy, no kidding.

Being a pretty irreligious person, and also not very smart, I don't really know what the "witness" stuff is all about, frankly. Maybe Christians just like to subpoena each other a lot. But I enjoyed the idea of God pointing his big old perfect finger at Adam and moaning this to him prophetically. "I HAVE CREATED YOU . . . AND BOY, ARE YOU GOING TO SUCK. YOU WILL BE MY ILLNESS." And then Adam and the rest of us went out and proved God right.

"I AM SUCH A TOOL." God gripes every now and then to nobody, or maybe just to the Pope and the odd schizophrenic here and there. "THIS IS MY OWN IMAGE? MY IMAGE BLOWS."

And even though I'm pretty much a heathen, I decided to have a few words with the Big Guy and find out how He felt about this all. I mean, He did send me the weird ILLNESS message, so I figured He wanted to blow off some divine steam.

Skot: Hey, God. Thanks for sitting down with me.

God: HEY, SKOT. THANKS FOR HAVING ME. THIS IS GOOD GINGER ALE.

Skot: You can't go wrong with Schweppe's.

God: FUNNY STORY! SCHWEPPES IS A LOST BOOK OF THE BIBLE. IT CAME RIGHT AFTER RUTH. OR JOSHUA. I DON'T KNOW . . . ONE OF THE LOSER BOOKS.

Skot: Really?

God: DON'T GET ME STARTED. STUPID SADDUCEES. IT'S A LONG STORY. I MEAN, DON'T GET ME WRONG, THEY'RE MOSTLY COOL, BUT THERE'S A REASON THEY ALL PLAY IN MARIACHI BANDS IN THE AFTERLIFE.

Skot: Ouch.

God: YEAH, WELL. BUT THEY LOVE ME, AND HEY, IT'S NOT LIKE I'M ABOVE A LITTLE HAT DANCE EVERY NOW AND THEN. YOU FEEL ME?

Skot: I'm sorry?

God: CHECK IT OUT.

(God does an improvisational hat dance while a celestial host of rather mournful Sadducee mariachi musicians play.)

Skot: Nice moves!

God: I'VE GOT HAPPY FEET.

Skot: So, listen. About that "illness" thing.

God: (Sighs) MAN, SORRY ABOUT THAT. I WAS IN A PRETTY CRAPPY MOOD WHEN I SENT YOU THAT.

Skot: Oh?

God: YEAH. IT LOOKS LIKE BEN STILLER IS GETTING SOME MORE WORK. I HAD JUST FOUND OUT. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU LITTLE THINGS?

Skot: But isn't Ben Stiller also one of your flock, just like everybody, and worthy of redemption?

God: DID YOU SEE "MEET THE PARENTS"?

Skot: Ugh. Yeah.

God: DID YOU SEE "MYSTERY MEN"?

Skot: Yeah.

God: DO YOU SEE WHERE I'M COMING FROM?

Skot: Yeah.

God: IT JUST PISSES ME OFF TO NO END. THAT GUY, I SWEAR, IN THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN? HE'S GOING TO BE . . . I DON'T KNOW. LIKE, VICE PRESIDENT OF BRICKLAYING, OR SOMETHING.

Skot: Bricklaying? Vice President?

God: I GET SO TIRED.

Skot: So, to get this all down . . . you're not very happy with us in general . . . but what really twists you is Ben Stiller?

God: I . . . I GUESS. "MEET THE FOCKERS"? I SWEAR, SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO--

Skot: Hey! Hey! Listen. Would a nice hat dance make you feel better? Come on, You're getting worked up again.

God: YOU'RE RIGHT. I'M SORRY. (God sighs and sips again at his Schweppe's.)

God: THIS REALLY IS GOOD GINGER ALE.

(End interview.)


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Comments

God was right, that WAS a good interview!

Oh, and he was also right about Ben Stiller. I've never been able to figure out what Hollywood sees in him. Bleh.

Comment number: 007552   Posted by: Jeff on June 2, 2006 06:54 AM from IP: 209.32.109.28

"I GET SO TIRED." This made me incredibly sad for God. Don't we all just know how that feels?

Comment number: 007553   Posted by: Peggy on June 2, 2006 09:15 AM from IP: 128.95.169.35

Nice story...nice interview! ;)

Have you ever read "God on a Harley"? This sorta reminds me of that.... in an offbeat way.

I like how you saw the sign. Reminds me of when I used to stand out waiting for the bus after work in Dallas and you'd get those preacher guys walking to and fro preaching hell and redemption while a whiskey bottle sat in their coat pocket.

Comment number: 007562   Posted by: tooners on June 3, 2006 10:41 AM from IP: 193.188.105.22

That's the funniest and most blasphemiest thing I've ever read! Ha! I am SO going to hell for enjoying it...LOL Loving your blog!

Comment number: 007563   Posted by: christian on June 3, 2006 04:20 PM from IP: 67.176.49.124

That's the funniest and most blasphemiest thing I've ever read! Ha! I am SO going to hell for enjoying it...LOL Loving your blog!

Comment number: 007564   Posted by: christian on June 3, 2006 04:21 PM from IP: 67.176.49.124

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