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Thursday, 29 June
King Of The Choad

As I get older (so much older), I start to think about the things that I did when I was young, and wouldn't even consider any more. Weirdly, as it turns out, one of those things is the venerable road trip.

We've all been there. "ROAD TRIP!" And then you pile into a car and drive. My friend PJ and her guy are doing this starting tomorrow! They're going down to the fucking desert somewhere to crap in the sand for a week. They are insane. Fuck road trips. They were fun at one point, but now they're just going "WOO!" for half an hour and then falling asleep and running into a roadside barrier. I wish my friends weren't going on this TOTAL DEATH ROAD TRIP, but they are adults after all. Say hi to Satan, road-trippers! I hope you enjoy taking it up the ass for eternity!

But I used to really enjoy road trips. My old college friend D. used to take them all the time. (D. was the same guy who would get his Alaskan Dividend Fund checks every year and solemnly announce, "We are drinking this whole thing.") D. would show up at my horrible, dilapidated college house--the one where we patched walls by spackling over wall-holes filled with empty pizza boxes--and simply kidnapping me. "We're going to the beach!" he would scream. And then I'd kick a path through the dead flies and beer cans to shake his hand. "I agree to this plan," I would intone. Then I would do a quick visual scan of the living room floor to make sure there weren't any mysterious human turds on the carpet that required my attention (hey, once bitten, you know?), we would leave.

ROAD TRIP! Right to the local Safeway, two blocks away. D. and I would then, in the best idiotic college student fashion, load up on "road sodas." Our sodas of choice happened to be Red Beers: that is, Rainier beers mixed with tomato juice and topped with a generous amount of black pepper. (D. kept a container of black pepper in his pickup truck for just these trips.) Once armed, we would then head for the Oregon coast.

A side note here on driving while drinking: unless you are a dumb teenager, don't do it. You might hurt somebody. If you are a dumb teenager: I must insist that you not drive unless you are drinking. My experience has shown me that the only safe driving teenager is a drunk one. In fact, I've written a paper on this topic, which I have submitted to The Lancet, entitled "Red Beers Found To Be So Awesome."

The thing about road trips is how quickly you realize that the destination is utterly unimportant. In fact, once you get to wherever, things can rapidly sour if you're not careful--for example, if you failed to carry enough supply of red beers. D. and I would usually get to the Oregon coast and dick around with our feet in the terrifyingly cold surf for a couple minutes before retiring to the sand for some red beer-induced naps. We might as well have gone to a Motel 6 or some Tokyo discount coffins. The Oregon coast is, don't get me wrong, completely gorgeous, but it's also the cure for what ails ya if you're really tired of ever seeing your nuts for days at a time.

I sort of miss road trips, but it's an abstract sort of feeling. I haven't had a red beer--or rode in a pickup, for that matter--for a long time. It's just as well. It doesn't really sound that interesting to me now to load up on some cheap beer and tomato juice to make a run to the coast. In fact, it sounds like something out of Raising Arizona, but without the baby or dye packs.

In fact, I don't really feel like driving around anywhere any more. It's just a hassle and a drag. Which is why I'm putting out the call for teenaged chauffeur. NEEDED: Drunken teenager to drive me wherever I need to be. The Rainier is on me. Safety first, after all.

Confess | Skot | 29 Jun, 2006 |

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Comments

On my last Vegas trip I discovered the true power of a red beer...by switching to them once the sun comes up I can actually keep drinking 24 hours straight and not have to leave the craps table.

Comment number: 007710   Posted by: cory on June 30, 2006 07:27 AM from IP: 167.88.201.100

I am available and at your service. Do not forget that a dash of salt really brings out the fizz in your road beer, and to never use clamato when preparing your beverage. 2 parts beer, 1 part tomato or V8 juice, salt and pepper to taste. When the fizz dies down, the top layer of your drink should look like a day old pepperoni pizza. As I recall, 0ne of those Choad Trips, our very and only Last One, was moving your hungover ass north to the Emerald City. Puttin the boots to Schmoo. Tyeeeeeeeee!

Comment number: 007762   Posted by: D on July 12, 2006 08:05 AM from IP: 24.20.116.220

I am available and at your service. Do not forget that a dash of salt really brings out the fizz in your road beer, and to never use clamato when preparing your beverage. 2 parts beer, 1 part tomato or V8 juice, salt and pepper to taste. When the fizz dies down, the top layer of your drink should look like a day old pepperoni pizza. As I recall, one of those Choad Trips, our very and only Last One, was moving your hungover ass north to the Emerald City. Good times, bad memories. Ack, pfft. Tyeeeeeeeee!

Comment number: 007763   Posted by: D on July 12, 2006 08:08 AM from IP: 24.20.116.220

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