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Wednesday, 03 May
Sit Through This

Tomorrow we leave for wine country, but that leaves me with one whole evening to bitch about work! Again!

It's not even work qua work that I'm gabbling about, really. Not the job itself. No, it's something else. Yesterday, I attended a required meeting . . . but it wasn't really a meeting! Not at all! It was a "benefits fair"! WHO DOESN'T ENJOY A FAIR? Well . . . everyone. At least when the "benefits fair" is really just a fair in the sense that "sit in this room and listen to insurance nerds for over an hour" is a fair. The worst fair in the history of man.

What the fuck, man? Benefits fair? Eat me, benefits fair. Though I sure do looking forward to future celebrations such as benefits rodeos, benefits orgies and benefits carnivale. I will throw beads at those insurance broads, and they'll show me their tits! Or, possibly, actuarial tables! Oh man!

What was most galling about the benefits bukkake blockbuster was its utter pointlessness for most of us. We were told up front, "If you are happy with your benefits package as it is right now, you don't have to do anything!" At which point I started to get ready to leave. "But we've got representatives from all of our service providers here to help you decide." I sat back down. FUCK!

So they had people there from our PPO plan, our HMO plan, our vision plan, our dental plan, our life plan, our flex spending plan, and a couple guys from our I Don't Fucking Know plan. One guy's last name was Rock. Another's was Funk. I started mentally rechristening the rest of these boring people. Talk to me, Glen Hip Hop! Give me the 411, Polly Polka!

It was all just wretched and dull, of course. "We have a very useful website," said Mr. Dental Plan. No shit? "Members are always able to log into our website," explained Ms. HMO. Mmmm. "You can find a physician on our website," added Mr. vision plan. OH MY GOD PLEASE STOP TALKING. As if you'd have any claim to credibility without a website in this day and age. Are you kidding me? I'd actually love it if someone copped to not having one. "Say, do you guys have a helpful website?" "Nah. Websites are for fairies."

So it was, as I've said, unbelievably dreary. What made it even worse was, when these hopeless presenters--all of whom were just awful at public speaking--asked, "Any questions?" My coworkers actually asked them. One gal wanted to know about how best to handle her child-care tax credits. Hanh? "I, uh, I'm not a tax attorney," the guy stammered. "So you don't know?" she followed up. Holy shit, shut up so we can leave! Other questioners in the airless room, thanks to lousy acoustics, sounded like Charlie Brown's parents. "Hi, thanks for coming. I'd like to know WAAANH WAAANH WANH WANH WANH." The horrible public speakers would then say, "All right, good question! If you didn't hear her, the question was, WAAANH WAAANH WANH WANH . . . "

The only interesting person to me was the woman who uncomfortably gave her spiel about our life insurance policy, mainly because she had to keep using the phrase "accidental death or dismemberment." There's really no way to use that phrase in a jaunty way, after all. "Hopefully nobody here will need to use it," she said at one point. Aw! That's sweet. Yes, I'd like not to be dismembered. It would also be swell to not die.

I also got to thinking, We should jazz up this policy. It's such a downer. She kept saying "accidental death and dismemberment," as if people routinely un-accidentally lose their arms. I think we can spice things up for this woman.

That's when I got the idea for a new kind of coverage: Awesome death or dismemberment. This would be a policy where, if you were spectacularly maimed or killed somehow, there would be a way to determine if the beneficiary should be awarded a bonus for the relative awesomeness of the event was.

"Mrs. Miller? This is Gumbo Snood with Monolithic Insurance. My deepest condolences on the loss of your husband."

(Broken sobbing.)

"Mrs. Miller, after reviewing this claim, we couldn't help but notice that your husband was--" (shuffle of papers) --"killed in a knife fight with . . . dwarves? Is that correct?"

"Y-yes. Those little demons came at him with such ferocity. Such tiny ferocity."

"Mrs. Miller, I can't take away your pain right now, but I think I have some good news. In addition to your normal insurance benefits that you will receive, Monolithic is also add in an extra five hundred thousand dollars to be paid to you."

"Wh--what? But why?"

"Mr. Miller was enrolled on our Awesome Death and Dismemberment plan. And after thorough review, we have concluded that your husband's grisly death by knife-wielding dwarves . . . well, it's hard to argue that that wasn't pretty awesome."

"I . . . I don't know what to say."

"There's nothing to say, Mrs. Miller. I just hope that this extra settlement benefit can bring you some peace over the death of your husband. Which, as I've said . . . was totally awesome."


Note: Comments are closed on old entries.

Comments

Tits? Ugh. I hate that word.

Comment number: 007272   Posted by: maarmie on May 4, 2006 04:54 AM from IP: 206.201.190.68

Tits? Ugh! I hate that word.

Comment number: 007273   Posted by: maarmie on May 4, 2006 04:55 AM from IP: 206.201.190.68

Awesome death & dismemberment plan? Where do I sign?!

Comment number: 007274   Posted by: Auntie Maim on May 4, 2006 06:06 AM from IP: 137.99.84.206

Unbelievable! I'd give anything to be able to express myself the way you do. I have your site on my RSS feed (along with dozens of others) and read all your posts, but don't have time to comment much. But just wanted to chime in on this one and let you know how much I enjoy your writing!

Comment number: 007276   Posted by: Jeff on May 4, 2006 06:54 AM from IP: 209.32.109.28

Awesome? Ugh. I hate that word.

Comment number: 007277   Posted by: Tess on May 4, 2006 08:44 AM from IP: 24.123.112.14

Oh, I never thought death and dismemberment could be so funny. Thank you kindly.

Comment number: 007278   Posted by: Lythea on May 4, 2006 08:41 PM from IP: 24.18.224.189

Dweebs who complain about words? Ugh. I hate them.

Comment number: 007279   Posted by: Squidley on May 4, 2006 11:47 PM from IP: 206.55.252.146

Dwarves who wield knives? Unh! I love them.

Comment number: 007281   Posted by: Tzarius on May 5, 2006 03:37 AM from IP: 125.255.21.46

OK, Squidley, IF that is your real name. I'll be more positive:

Ferocity? Wow! I love that word!

Comment number: 007285   Posted by: maarmie on May 5, 2006 06:08 AM from IP: 206.201.190.68

Of course it's my real name, and now you've got the right attitude! Besides, what other word could Skot have possibly used there? The phrase is "show us your tits," not "show us your mammary glands."

Comment number: 007286   Posted by: Squidley on May 5, 2006 06:56 AM from IP: 206.55.252.146

Sadly, not only do I think that people would buy that policy I also think that it would make alot of money. Also, I don't think I have ever seen the people in your comment threads fall in on each other before.

Comment number: 007287   Posted by: Greg on May 5, 2006 07:08 AM from IP: 198.36.195.206

Greg: Leave it to maarmie to stir the pot! I like a good debate, and I like a little liveliness everywhere I go. Squidley: Have you ever heard of sarcasm? Look it up, and there'll be a photograph of a black-and-white monkey-key-key!!!! Kidding, of course. But I hate the phrases "Show us your tits," "Show us your mammary glands," "Show us your udders," "Show us your boobs," "Show us your boobies," "Show us your milk duds," "Show us your balloons," and any other permutation thereof. Wait! I shouldn't use the word hate. How about "intensely dislike."

Comment number: 007288   Posted by: maarmie on May 5, 2006 07:53 AM from IP: 206.201.190.68

Maarmie:
Why, silly me! How could I have possibly missed the sarcasm in a six-word comment? (Or were you refering to your response to my mockery?)

Skot is a Guy. He uses politically-incorrect terminology, because that's part of what being a Guy is about. With luck, he will continue to regale us with politically-incorrect musings and observations in his inimitable, alcohol-pickled, nicotine-addled style.

P.S.: I visited your blog. Interesting! I have a suggestion to increase your readership: show us your tits!

Comment number: 007292   Posted by: Squidley on May 6, 2006 12:59 PM from IP: 206.55.252.146

Don't think I haven't thought about it!!!

Comment number: 007294   Posted by: maarmie on May 7, 2006 08:06 AM from IP: 69.244.208.232

I'm hoping that isn't the only way I could increase my readership. I understand if it is, though, for men. I hear they lag behind women evolutionarily speaking....

Comment number: 007295   Posted by: maarmie on May 7, 2006 08:07 AM from IP: 69.244.208.232

Maarmie, I'm impressed by your response! Please do let us know if you decide to increase your readership by this proven method.

Now let's examine your hypothesis that men's interest in sex makes them somehow behind women evolutionarily...

Cavewoman: Thag, let's go to the bedcave. I want your fire rod!
Caveman: No, Grunteena. Thag not want do that.
Cavewoman: Oh, Thag, you never want to do the horizontal fire dance. (Rips off skins) Look at my babyfeeders and forested cave-entrance!
Caveman: Thag not need that. Thag happy just cuddling and talking.

So how many descendants do you think Thag would have? Do you still think a lack of interest in sex has something to do with evolutionary advancement?

Comment number: 007320   Posted by: Squidley on May 7, 2006 07:12 PM from IP: 206.55.252.146

I'm not saying an interest in sex signifies the lag, but your comment certainly does.

Quit being such an ass. Let's kiss and make up, huh?

Comment number: 007321   Posted by: maarmie on May 8, 2006 06:02 AM from IP: 206.201.190.68

Hey, I like you! As far as I'm concerned, you're cool. I just think you're wrong about the evolution thing. I was trying to show, in what I hoped was a humorous way, that an interest in sex is an indication of evolutionary advancement, not a lack thereof.

Are we kissed and made up now?

Comment number: 007383   Posted by: Squidley on May 8, 2006 10:04 PM from IP: 206.55.252.146

Only if you play nice...

Comment number: 007385   Posted by: maarmie on May 9, 2006 09:54 AM from IP: 206.201.190.68

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