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Monday, 03 April
Through The Looking Glasses

A week ago, I went to my optometrist and got a new set of glasses. It'd been about three years or so. As usual, I went to his office, tricked out in daunting ads featuring models lounging around in impossibly chic spectacles. Some of these pneumatic ad-gals seemed to be fingering their glasses provacatively, others were wrapping their glossy lips around the temples in erotic contemplation, and one ad seemed to rather unimaginatively show a woman staring at the viewer in her shiny glasses while she fingered her snatch with a frank expression. The message seemed to be: "These glasses will make attractive women masturbate for you." At least that's what I got from it.

I bitched about this three years ago, but it bears repeating: eye doctors are not real doctors. They are incredibly expensive designer frame delivery mechanisms. For a hundred and twenty-five bucks, my "exam" bought me a perfunctory bit of nonsense with the alleged doctor, who idly fumbled with electronic lens displays that blurrified the letter chart for me. "Which one is clearer, A or B?" he asked, spinning knobs at random. "They both look like letters made of hair," I replied. "Hmmm. Your vision really is horrible. How about now?" He clicked a couple buttons. "Now I see a dancing cow," I said flatly. "Oh, my," he said, not bothering to conceal his indifference. "That means you have, uh, oculopathy. With attendant . . . retinnitus. But don't worry. We have designer frames for that."

After more of that shit, and some other nonsense where he gave me some nameless burning eyedrops "just to fuck with ya!" I was sent out to the purgatory that is the optometrist's front office to be "helped" by his service lackeys. Eyeball lackeys primarily "help" by steering you to the shiny, osmium- beryllium alloy frames that were designed by obnoxious Frenchmen and modeled by the aforementioned vagina-diddlers. Or there are the "budget" options described in low tones by the lackeys as "shoddy," or more simply, "hideous." "You could get these," said Willard, distastefully holding a pair of plastic frames in his fingers, as if it were a petrified turd, "but nobody would talk to you. Me, I wouldn't piss on these." Then he dropped the frames to the floor, unzipped his pants, and brought forth his dismayingly grayish penis. He stood there for a moment, staring intently at the befallen frames as if in grave concentration, while I found myself becoming tachycardic. He finally looked at me. "See? I can't piss on these frames." He crushed the awful frames under his heel as he tucked his granite-colored member back into his pants. "Plus, they're made by blind children in Byelorussia. Or Tahinistan. One of those dead-ass countries. You wear those, you might as well tattoo I HATE PUSSY on your head. Come on, let's stop fucking around and go look at some real frames."

Naturally, I ended up spending, all told, over six hundred dollars for the whole experience, including these smart new frames, made of gunmetal-colored titanium. I picked "gunmetal" because I naturally assumed that once I put them on, I'd be able to shoot people just by looking at them, BUT NO, FUCKED AGAIN. Willard also managed to tack on a number of things that I'm sure I did not need--some sort of coating, for example, that I'm sure is the "undercarriage rustcoat" of eyeglasses, that supposedly reduces glare, but really just reduces my bank account as well as my ability to function in capitalistic society. Willard also told me with apparent jollity that there was no way on God's earth that my insurance plan would cover this crap, as my insurance plan was, in his words, "really the shits." (On this, I am not kidding.)

Well, at any rate . . . after all that, I have a new set of glasses. And they're really spiffy! They're smaller and lighter than my last pair, and certainly more stylish, since they have an actual color. "Gunmetal"! Which is way cooler than my last drab pair, which were the color of . . . regular metal. I am assured by everyone--well, everyone at my optometrist's--that their slimmer profile highlights my Nordic cheekbones and downplays my otherwise utterly simian facial features. "Plus they cover up that huge-ass zit you have right in between your eyebrows," crowed Willard.

I love my new glasses, if I have to tell the truth. They were fucking expensive as hell, but I really like them a lot. Wearing them has given me a new swagger and, yes, I feel a little more stylish as well. It's a good feeling. And, pretty soon, I'm sure, someone else will notice too, and will speak up. Which will also be a good feeling. I can't wait.

But I guess I'll have to wait a little longer. Because in a little over a week of wearing them, not one single person has noticed that I have new glasses. But as soon as someone does? Man . . . it's going to make it all worth it.


Note: Comments are closed on old entries.

Comments

i too have just forked out cash on new glasses, they had added that glare reducing crap into the price and didnt tell me, i had to tell them i didnt want that shit coz i'm not spending an extra $70 to have it on my glasses because it makes bugger all difference!!!

Comment number: 006888   Posted by: pretty_paranoia on April 4, 2006 01:31 AM from IP: 165.228.103.218

I bet your new glasses help you see Willard's penis better.

Comment number: 006889   Posted by: Kate on April 4, 2006 07:33 AM from IP: 70.132.5.106

Dear Skot: The least you could do is have the g.d. courtesy to post a picture of the glasses, preferably with you wearing them. Signed, A fan.

Comment number: 006890   Posted by: Jane on April 4, 2006 01:16 PM from IP: 66.11.80.229

I'm afraid I have to disagree on the anti-glare thing; I don't believe it's a rip-off (overpriced? probably).

I think it's not so much for me -- I can't see fuck anyway, my glasses were made by Hubble -- but it's for people when they look at you, or when you are in a photo. There is no glare on the lenses so people can see your eyes better...especially if you are in an office where there is overhead lighting, etc.

Hmmm..now that I think about your work habits, you probably don't want to give someone a good look at your eyes after you've been tipping back a few all morning. I hope you opted out.

Comment number: 006891   Posted by: Tess on April 4, 2006 02:18 PM from IP: 24.123.112.14

I'm afraid I have to disagree on the anti-glare thing; I don't believe it's a rip-off (overpriced? probably).

I think it's not so much for me -- I can't see fuck anyway, my glasses were made by Hubble -- but it's for people when they look at you, or when you are in a photo. There is no glare on the lenses so people can see your eyes better...especially if you are in an office where there is overhead lighting, etc.

Hmmm..now that I think about your work habits, you probably don't want to give someone a good look at your eyes after you've been tipping back a few all morning. I hope you opted out.

Comment number: 006892   Posted by: Tess on April 4, 2006 02:19 PM from IP: 24.123.112.14

I swear, myopic as I am, I do not hit the wrong keys and double-post these things. I get these crazy errors every time I post a comment and *poof* there I am -- twice. twice.

Comment number: 006893   Posted by: Tess on April 4, 2006 02:22 PM from IP: 24.123.112.14

If you punch yourself in the eye and keeping your vision is dependant on the lazer-surgical prowess of your "designer frame delivery mechanism" and her ability to repair your obliterated retina...believe me.....you call them "Doctor".

Comment number: 006894   Posted by: el on April 4, 2006 09:50 PM from IP: 156.74.250.7

That's it - you have inspired me - I need new glasses. Gotta do it as soon as I have saved up the big bucks.

Comment number: 006896   Posted by: Tillerman on April 5, 2006 02:54 PM from IP: 67.84.196.64

I am officially the "eyeglass consultant" amongst my crowd. No one gets new glasses without my approval, because mine are so effing cool. It does make a difference!

Comment number: 006897   Posted by: Ombra on April 6, 2006 04:20 PM from IP: 68.35.236.133

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