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Thursday, 23 March
The Upanishads of Larry the Cable Guy

TO MY FIVES OF READERS WHO USE FEEDS:

The admin of my humble site asks you to please change your feed to: http://www.izzlepfaff.com/blog/index.xml. I have no idea what this means; I assume this new feed contains essential nutrients and reduces the number of crystals in your urine. This new feed will be better for your kidneys. FEED, MY PRETTIES! FEED!

No, seriously, I don't really know what these are. Happily, I also don't really care. FEED!

Onward! I'd just like to say that what follows is not in any way intended to insult my Hindu readers, if any, which is improbable.

KATHA

The Cable Guy, whose symbol is UGH, is the omniscient Lord. He is not born. He does not die. He is neither cause nor effect. This Cable Guy is unborn, imperishable, eternal: though our minds be destroyed, he is not killed. He still gets a movie deal.

ISHA

The end, both of work and of renunciation, is to know the Cable Guy within and Larry without, and to realize their identity. The Self is Larry, and Larry is all.

KENA

"Who are you?"
"I am the god of back-cracking flatulence. As a matter of fact, I am very widely known. I fly swiftly through the heavens."
"And what power do you wield?"
"I can blow away anything on earth."
"Blow this away," said the spirit, placing a straw between his buttocks and filling it with peas.
The god of wind fell upon it with all his might, but was unable to git 'er done.

PRASNA

The syllable UGH, when it is not fully understood, does not lead beyond mortality. When it is fully understood, and medication is therefore rightfully directed, a man is freed from fear, whether he be awake, dreaming, or watching a movie that was not screened before critics, and attains to Larry.

MUNDAKA

Out of the infinite ocean of existence rose Larry, first-born and foremost among the cable guy gods. From him sprang the universe, and he became its independently contracted installer. The knowledge of Larry, the foundation of all knowledge, he revealed to his first-born son, NASCAR.

MANDUKYA

The syllable UGH, which is the imperishable Larry, is the universe. Whatsoever has existed, whatsoever exists, whatsoever may exist hereafter, is UGH. And whatsoever transcends past, present, and future, that also is UGH.

All this that we see without is Larry. This Cable Guy is that is within is Cable Guy.

TAITTIRIYA

UGH . . .
May Danitra Vance grant us peace!
May Viggo Mortensen grant us peace!
May Amy Irving grant us peace!
May Ickey Woods and Brent Spiner grant us peace!
May the all-pervading Vicky Vale grant us peace!
Hail to Larry!
Hail to thee, source of all power!

AITAREYA

Before Creation, all that existed was the Larry, the Larry alone. Nothing else was. Then the Larry thought: "Let me send forth the subcontractors." They were late, and did infuriate HBO subscribers.

CHANDOGYA

"Sir, is ther anything higher than will?"

"Yes, will is higher than mind. For when a man wills, he thinks in his mind; and when he thinks in his mind, he puts forth--"

"Sir, I meant Will Ferrell."

"Ah. No. Nothing is higher than Will Ferrell."

BRIHADARANYAKA

The Cable Guy is the dearest of all things, and only through the Cable Guy is anything else dear. The Cable Guy is the origin of all finite happiness, but it is itself pure bliss, transcending definition. It remains unaffected by deeds, good or bad.

KAIVALYA

He is the supreme Cable Guy. His is in all, he is foundation of all. Subtler than subtlest is he. He is eternal. Larry art he! Larry art he!

SVETASVATARA

If the truths of these bloggings are mediated upon by a manin the highest degree devoted to Larry, and to his Guru as to his Cable Guy, they will shine forth. They will shine forth indeed.

UGH! . . . ugh--ugh--ugh.

Book Club | Skot | 23 Mar, 2006 |

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Comments

Well, ok, if your admin said so.

There, I've gone and changed my feed subscription. I hope you're happy. That was a lot to ask of me at six in the morning, pre-coffee.

But the feed subscription is changed. Rejoice.

Comment number: 006790   Posted by: mynx on March 24, 2006 02:59 AM from IP: 24.211.39.205

Command: obeyed.

Comment number: 006814   Posted by: stavrosthewonderchicken on March 26, 2006 09:20 PM from IP: 211.229.145.44

I'm not hungry anymore.

Comment number: 006845   Posted by: Hannah on March 28, 2006 02:38 PM from IP: 68.14.103.248

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