Links:


Write me:
skot AT izzlepfaff DOT com

Archives:
Thursday, 09 March
The Pointlessness Is Strong In This One

Is there anything more boring and cliched than talking about the weather?

So, the weather here has been kind of fucked up and irritating.

For one thing, a friend of mine, who seems to have a disturbing affinity for slavishly reading every single bit of data that the NOAA issues, likes to taunt me with their horseshit predictions. "Skot!" He will say. "HIGH PRESSURE FRONT TO BONK PACIFIC COAST ENTHUSIASTICALLY . . . BOATS AND SHIPS TO BE EATEN BY MOTHRA . . . ARCTIC BLAST TO CHILL REGION WITH BALL-SHATTERING COLD . . . " And so forth. Of course, nothing the NOAA ever says comes to pass. I wouldn't believe them if they predicted rain in April.

What usually happens is some horribly disappointing Mini-Me version of NOAA's predictions. BLIZZARD ALERT? We get some chilly wind, as if a cadre of Frost Giants were farting at us. TWO TO SIX INCHES OF SNOW? Local Dairy Queens shower the region with promotional flyers.

I wouldn't even care, except for the fact that I keenly miss actual weather. It's one of the things that, since I live in Seattle, I should be used to, but I still am not: the fact that the seasons here are basically monotonous as hell. Apply the usual tropes: yeah, it rains a lot, and you get about six weeks of sorta-summer, and that's it. Which gets old.

However, there is the other side of the coin, which is to say that I'm full of shit: Because living in Seattle has turned me into an incredible wimp who hates any kind of climactic extremity. Earlier this week, for example, we had a couple of horridly chilly (read: below 40 degrees) windstorms. My lovely wool coat, which my wife gave me last Christmas, has a broken zipper. So I had to break out my sad, rumpled backup, a bizarre, heavily-lapelled thing that I think I inherited from an ex-girlfriend's father some years ago, presumably when he was thrown into some Russian gulag, since the awful thing (an unclean-aquarium shade of green) makes me look like a cossack. The world's most anemic, unthreatening cossack.

"Mama! A cossack is coming on his horse! Oh . . . he got thrown by his horse. I think he's hurt. Now he's stealing our cabbage. Now he's eating raw cabbage while rubbing his leg. Mama, he is a very sad cossack. Now he is crying. I think the cossack is using an inhaler, Mama."

Anyway. Needless to say, we haven't seen any fucking snow to speak of (snow that is gone in a couple hours does NOT COUNT). And yet every morning I am donning my hideous coat. Tomorrow, you know, it's supposed to snow.

Fuck this. I'm going to put on a thong. And an anorak. And . . . I don't know. A peacock headdress. This stupid city.


Note: Comments are closed on old entries.

Comments

Ya know, the only time I've ever actually been to Seattle it snowed. It was right before Thanksgiving in 2003.

Comment number: 006698   Posted by: aldahlia on March 10, 2006 01:29 AM from IP: 12.218.151.24

Yea, I've had about two weeks of winter here in Texas. They were not consecutive.

Comment number: 006699   Posted by: jessica fantastica on March 10, 2006 02:15 AM from IP: 139.60.210.5

Don't bitch about the weather. Whereelse could you happily say in February, for chrissakes, it's springtime, let's crank up the barbeque! It never gets HOT Hot, it never gets COLD cold, it rarely rains All Day, i mean really.... the northwest has turned you into a pussy who likes to complain!

Comment number: 006702   Posted by: suki on March 10, 2006 10:47 AM from IP: 67.160.101.150

the northwest has turned you into a pussy who likes to complain!

That's bullshit. I didn't need any help from the northwest. I'm a self-made complaining pussy.

Comment number: 006703   Posted by: Skot on March 10, 2006 10:49 AM from IP: 66.150.9.3

Don't bitch about the weather. Whereelse could you happily say in February, for chrissakes, it's springtime, let's crank up the barbeque! It never gets HOT Hot, it never gets COLD cold, it rarely rains All Day, i mean really.... the northwest has turned you into a pussy who likes to complain!

Of course, i'd love to see that outfit. Sounds like a new display-window theme for redlight, crossroads, etc.... Dada-chic!

Comment number: 006705   Posted by: suki on March 10, 2006 10:49 AM from IP: 67.160.101.150

Well, I basically live the other side of the coin. Although I complain incessantly about extreme weather, I have only ever chosen to live in places with horribly cold and snowy winters (Chicago and, to a lesser extent, nyc), and terribly hot and humid summers. But at least I get spring and fall, I guess -- and appreciate them.

Comment number: 006706   Posted by: Amanda on March 10, 2006 12:16 PM from IP: 206.137.75.111

heehee! that was funny!

Comment number: 006707   Posted by: chuck on March 10, 2006 02:14 PM from IP: 66.118.242.4

Get off your lazy arse and drive 60 minutes east. You will find all the snow you ever wanted. Drive two hours east and then run around in your thong. You might then appreciate a bitterly cold and wet 40F winter day in Seattle. On second thought.....if you survived Seattle's traffic, you would probably get beat up if you run around in your thong east of the Cascades.

Comment number: 006708   Posted by: Todd on March 10, 2006 04:34 PM from IP: 65.123.15.98

Get off your lazy arse and drive 60 minutes east. You will find all the snow you ever wanted. Drive two hours east and then run around in your thong. You might then appreciate a bitterly cold and wet 40F winter day in Seattle. On second thought.....if you survived Seattle's traffic, you would probably get beat up if you run around in your thong east of the Cascades.

Comment number: 006709   Posted by: Todd on March 10, 2006 04:35 PM from IP: 65.123.15.98

Quit bitching about the weather, you pussy! At least you have four seasonoids! Here in Monterey, in the People's Republic of Mexifornia, we have two modes: cloudy-maybe wet-n-cold, and sunny-maybe windy-n-cold. One follows the other with unpredictability, so there is no real notion of "season." About five days a year the mercury'll hit 80; perhaps some of those days will be contiguous, perhaps not.

I pine for the glories of Pacific Northwest weather.

Comment number: 006881   Posted by: Squidley on April 2, 2006 02:21 AM from IP: 206.55.252.146

Post a comment