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Wednesday, 22 February

It happens to even our favorite shows. But don't worry! The networks have some great replacements lined up for some of our beloved TV shows. To make things interesting, the producers have made sure that all the new shows are anagrams of the old ones. What could go wrong?

BONES, with Emily "Sauce" Deschanel has been underperforming as far as I know, and so will be replaced with one of those gritty, handheld-camera-ific programs that we can't get enough of: SNOBE. Dr. Bailey Snobe (Tom Skerritt) is a street podiatrist who isn't afraid to break the rules. So far all that's been leaked has been a snippet from the soundtrack and a couple of brief scenes.

Who's the white podiatrist
That's a foot fetishist?
Ya damn right.

INTERIOR: Morgue. Coroner and Snobe stand over a corpse. The lighting is dim and atmospheric.

Coroner: C.O.D. is . . . corns. I've never seen feet like this before.

Snobe: I have. (He grimaces.) Bosnia. Doc . . . I'm gonna need to take his feet.

Coroner: Again? Dammit, Snobe. You can't keep taking their damn feet. The commissioner--

Snobe: Damn the commissioner! I can't do this job without those feet! Give me those tin snips! These tendons look pretty gristly.

Coroner: (Falling to his knees) DAMN YOU, SNOOOOOOBE!


Fans of the nauseating horror that is GHOST WHISPERER will surely be mollified to learn of its imminent replacement, SHEER PIG'S WORTH! Hollywood execs have done their research, and sure enough, the audience members who simply love to see Jennifer Love Hewitt's dewy, heaving cleavage are the same demographic group who also enjoy watching Hog Negligee Auctions. Every Friday night, anxious viewers can phone in and vote on which naughty sow deserves to become America's next Sex Pig. Victoria's Porcine Secret is already on board as a sponsor.

In the unlikely event that Sheer Pig's Worth fails, the network has a fill-in idea in WHEE! GRIP SHORTS! which takes reality programming to a new level by showing secret camera footage of people surreptitiously masturbating on the subway.


AMERICAN IDOL shows no indication that it's going away, but should it start to tank, FOX is ready with the newest hot sitcom MACARONI DELI, a show set in Dayton, Ohio. All-white best friends Doss, Bandler, Spoey, Cinabonnica, Machel and Greebie explore life, love and lunacy in their favorite downtown pasta bar.

Also reportedly in the works is ICELAND MAORI, a fish-out-of-water story about a New Zealander who has grieviously lost his way; and DOCILE AIRMAN, a show featuring Billy Zane as a fighter pilot with a troubling addiction to painkillers. In the gripping first episode, Zane is called on for a dangerous mission over Grugchaka, which severely tests his ability to get out of bed.


SEX AND THE CITY, of course, ended its run some time ago. But that doesn't mean that network execs are letting it die quietly! Coming soon is its replacement, somewhat predictably titled SNATCHY EXITED. Acerbically narrated by Mort Sahl, if alive, Snatchy Exited tells the stories of luckless-in-love barfly slut Lena Brace (Mare Winningham) and her seemingly endless series of hopelessly depressing and depraved one-night stands. At the conclusion of each episode is the tagline, spoken by Sahl as she hobbles out yet another gruesome man's door: "Exit Snatchy." Hilarious!


With THE SOPRANOS coming to a long-awaited conclusion, David Chase isn't just farting into his ottoman. He's already scripted season one of THOSE APRONS!, slated to begin filming in 2011. Those Aprons! will be an Antiques Roadshow-cum-That's Incredible! type of show, featuring some seriously mind-blowing kitchenware. Already in the can is footage of one Nebraskan displaying his winkingly clever BURN THE FAGS barbecue-wear, as well as Maine native Arthur Dibley's astonishing collection of Holocaust Denial oven mitts.


THE AMAZING RACE seems to keep putting along, despite widespread viewer horror over last season's "Family" Amazing Race, which had families rather unamazingly driving RVs around middle America. To spice things up, the producers are unveiling THRACE MAGAZINE. Thrace Magazine promises to be a fun, frilly romp through all things Bulgarian, Greek, Turkish and whatever, hosted by the ebulliantly blond John Tesh. Planned features already include interviews with the skeletonized corpses of Democritus and the likely mythological Orpheus. ("So . . . you sent your wife back into hell.") Bumper music will also be handled by host Tesh.

In the unlikely event that Thrace Magazine fails to catch on, have no fear. Spike TV is ready and willing to pick up the Joe Rogan-hosted show NAZI MEAT CHARGE. Only limited information was available at press time. But this reporter smells Emmy.


(Postscript: This might well be the dumbest idea I could not shake. I should have submitted it to McSweeney's.)

Wordplay | Skot | 22 Feb, 2006 |

Note: Comments are closed on old entries.


Don't sell yourself short - you've had lots of stupider ideas than this. For example, aren't you involved in the theatre? There ya go.

Comment number: 006629   Posted by: Jado on February 23, 2006 06:09 AM from IP:

a difficult stunt, admirably attempted. have yourself a scotch.

ICELAND MAORI sounds like a winner

Comment number: 006631   Posted by: cleek on February 23, 2006 10:58 AM from IP:

I'm confused. Are you calling JLH a pig?

Comment number: 006632   Posted by: Mike on February 23, 2006 11:51 AM from IP:

I'm seeing Snatchy Exited as more of a 48 Hours-inspired weekly documentary. The early 48 Hours, when it really was 48 freaking hours. Each week, 48 hours in the life of a desperate, slutty barfly. Of course, each episode would end with Snatchy exiting. I'd like to nominate the first candidate.

Comment number: 006633   Posted by: laura on February 23, 2006 03:03 PM from IP:

Oh my god, how bored are you?! I'm glad you found something to occupy your obviously under-stimulated mind, even if it is anagrams of stupid tv show titles... God save us all...

Comment number: 006634   Posted by: S on February 23, 2006 03:20 PM from IP:

Mmmmmm, gristly tendons.

Skot you are this: magificent.

Comment number: 006635   Posted by: redcat on February 23, 2006 08:10 PM from IP:

Wow It took me awhile to properly read "exited" (I saw "excited"). Mare Winningham seems an odd choice, and a bit old, but I'm, um, excited about this one. btw I just imdb-ed her, and she has a daughter named Happy Maple. Poor kid.

Comment number: 006636   Posted by: Amanda on February 24, 2006 07:41 AM from IP:

This may be a work of genius. Yes, I think it is.

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