To whom it may concern:

I am writing in regard to Elmer Snick, as fine a man and worker as it has been my pleasure to know in this continuum (and many others). In his thirty years of life on this damp, unremarkable orb, Mr. Snick has been tireless in his capacity as my personal mouthpiece and cheerleader, and would heartily recommend him to any employer.

A man of devout faith, Mr. Snick has been a minister his flock for ten years, and is tirelessly in church every Sunday, excluding Super Bowl Sundays, which is puzzling, as he is a Browns fan, but that is neither here nor there. Mr. Snick is punctual, efficient and, I cannot help but notice as is my station, that he regularly and correctly employs the missionary position in sexual congress with his lovely wife.

Six years ago, after killing a hooker in a fit of psychosexual rage and disposing of the body in a steel drum, Mr. Snick dutifully confessed his sins to another of his brethren, and was absolved in the eyes of Me, which I think speaks volumes to his moral character. He really felt terrible, and as such, We're cool.

In short, any employer would be lucky to have Mr. Snick on its staff, and I am pleased to give him My fullest recommendation.

Sincerely,

God

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Dear Sir or Madame,

I am Davey Hinchcliff and Tommy Snotface Boniface is making me write this letter of recomendation for him as your new bully. He is really good at it, the bullying, and he has been my tormenter for three long years here at Puke-anan Middle School and boy is he good.

This one time I brought in my Stretch Armstrong and Tommy took it away and streched the crap out of it and it busted and then he made me drink the red stuff inside of Stretch Armstrong and said now we were married by the laws of the Congo. Mom wouldn't buy me another one because she just cries all the time now thanks to Randy. I hate Randy and his stupid mustash.

Another time Tommy and me played marbles and I totally won, but Tommy laughed and took all my steelies anyway. I called him a big fuck and he hit me and we both got into trouble but I got the most in trouble for saying fuck, but then I told the principle that Randy taught me how to say it! But Randy just hit me and my mom for it so that was sucko.

Anyway Tommy Tommy Snotface is a big fuck and I guess he's going to be youre bully now for a while so ha ha ha! Now maybe I can ride the bus and he can throw youre hat out the window this time. Im glad Im not the new kid anymore, you are!

Yours truely

Davey Hinchcliff

PS. Swirlies are a total joke, they don't really happen, but you prolly will have to lick a urnal cake. Sorry

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Dear Sir:

It is my pleasure to write this letter of recommendation for Rita Feeney for any prospective interested parties. I have worked on Ms. Feeney for the last year and a half, and she is the full package.

Ms. Feeney is not your average mistress, let me assure you. Rita is a former Idaho rodeo queen (1994), an accomplished amateur jazz dancer, and really loves children . . . when they're mowing her lawn! I kid.

In my working relationship with Ms. Feeney, I found her to be very flexible and adaptable to change. For instance, her dance training allows a virtually unfettered access to her astounding poon. To illustrate the latter quality, I once had to change the location of an assignation from Motel 6 to the Albacore Inn off on Aurora. Ms. Feeney promptly texted me back upon notification, responding, "LOL OK C U THERE." Past mistresses have been known to complain about such last-minute scheduling adjustments, but Rita was always accomodating.

To sum up, I cannot recommend Ms. Feeney highly enough as your next mistress. Her husband Herb presents no real barrier to the arrangement, as he is a model train enthusiast whose job is painting the hair onto Weeble-Wobbles. I strongly encourage Rita to anybody seeking out such a skilled woman, and would also recommend that, should you get the chance to nail her from behind, you sign her back.

Sincerely,

Andy Mitchell (nom de back: Simon Le Bone. :)