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Wednesday, 07 December
Oh, Hell, Let's Prejudge Some Movies

The holidays! It's that special time of year when Hollywood encourages parents to punish their families by taking them to see holiday-themed movies, usually over the loud, keening wails of everyone else who wants to see stuff like King Kong. It's not that every single holiday movie is horrible--The Ref was appealingly misanthropic for a little while, and the legendary Bad Santa cheerfully served up child abuse and anal sex for the season's merriments.

But most of the time, you know, it's going to be things like Christmas With the Kranks. Which simultaneously failed to feature the sodomization of Jamie Lee Curtis AND the vicious face-punching of Tim Allen. (I might have watched it then.)

Let's see what's coming up for this year!

Yours, Mine and Ours

You know, I really do love IMDB. They do all my work for me. This horror, directed by the immortal Raja Gosnell, is a remake of some 1968 film that I've never seen, and don't really care to, and features Dennis Quaid and Rene Russo as a couple of frighteningly fertile parents who marry and then have to contend with their respective immiscible broods of horrible children. (It kind of cracks me up how many holiday family films feature as a centerpiece the fact that children are horrible little fuckfeet who should all be put down immediately.)

Anyway, let's go to IMDB and see what they have to say!

Trivia: The party band in the movie is a Christian alternative rock band called Hawk Nelson.

This sounds like text from a surgeon general's label. CAUTION! This product contains Christian alternative rock music.

[from trailer]
Frank Beardsley: Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Move it! Move it! Move it!
Ethan: Move it! Move it! Move it!

I like to think that in whatever scene this is quoted from, Frank and Ethan are either 1. being caught in a raid on a gay bathhouse or 2. really enjoying themselves in a gay bathhouse.

Cheaper by the Dozen 2

It's strangely wonderful watching Steve Martin completely whore himself out for this clearly ghastly sequel to the utterly unloved first film, especially after his bid for teenage poon in Shopgirl, where he seemed to be saying, "Bill Murray gets to fuck these girls? Why not me?"

The ads for this film are beyond comprehension, and seem to emphasize the director's fundamental loathing of Martin, who suffers more than the usual amount of genital abuse even for a movie of this ilk. Once due to the efforts of Eugene Levy, which is kind of like being kicked in the nuts twice. Bonnie Hunt, who plays Martin's wife, evidently, seems to be doing her best to hide behind trees while Martin mugs it up and gets his nads eaten by angry dogs.

[from trailer]
Tom Baker: That's not gonna fit in your tent, Lorraine.
Lorraine Baker: Oh, I'm gonna make it fit, Dad!

Hilary Duff's career has taken a supremely disturbing turn with just this one line. I also enjoy this threadline from the IMDB message boards: "Hilary looks so ugly now!"

The cast also features Piper Perabo and Carmen Electra. Line forms to the left, folks!

The Family Stone

Seriously, again, thanks to IMDB, no heavy lifting is necessary here.

Tagline: Feel The Love.

Holy crap. SERIOUSLY? That's all they could come up with? Fuck, man, I can do better than that! Here: The Family Stone: Holy Crap. See?

But wait! Check out the ensemble! (Partial list.)

Claire Danes
Diane Keaton
Rachel McAdams
Dermot Mulroney
Craig T. Nelson
Sarah Jessica Parker
Luke Wilson

Hey, it's the Improbable Nose Brigade, and they're all in one film! All they need is Fran Tarkington to round out this existentially proboscicized group. This is the most bizarre group of actors I've ever seen since Caligula Goes to Amarillo! featuring Malcolm McDowell, Roddy McDowall and Andie MacDowell.

Whatever. It's no crazier than any other holiday movie season. I mean, I guess it could be worse. It's not like anyone made a Jesus movie with Liam Neeson or anything.


Note: Comments are closed on old entries.


Excellent as always.

Comment number: 006154   Posted by: Spike on December 7, 2005 08:52 PM from IP:

My world is a little sadder today because you said "Christian alternative rock music."

Comment number: 006155   Posted by: Kate on December 8, 2005 06:20 AM from IP:

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