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Tuesday, 22 November
The Cats That Ate My Blood. Also, Chicago!

The wife and I are back from Chicago. What a crazy city! I mean . . . crazy! You know? Totally crazy! You know what's so fucking crazy about it? Seriously?

Nothing. It is the least crazy city I've been to. Chicago is, from what I can tell, pretty definitively not-that-crazy. Or if it is, it's crazy in such a quotidian way that it's not really noticable to the outside observer. And I was really looking forward to the crazy. I mean, my God, this city does after all have a Daley at the helm. Give me some corruption, Mr. Daley! Don't bore me! Offer me a bribe! Promise me free socks! Threaten me with arbitrary prosecution! DO ANYTHING!

Again, nothing. Which isn't to say we didn't enjoy ourselves; we did immensely, even despite our utter failure to get a toehold onto some of the city's infamous graft scene. The closest we got to discomfort was some diffidently inclement weather (Oh no! Wind!) and an alarming experience on the El with something called the SANTA EXPRESS! Where we were greeted by CTA elves wielding candy canes and packed cars of glum people all miserably clutching . . . candy canes. "It's only November 19th!" screamed the wife, striving helplessly to be heard over the sound of Perry Como being lashed by the Christmas Furies.

There's a lot to tell about the visit, so I will as usual be obnoxiously talking about this for a week or so, so for the travelogue-hating folks out there . . . happy Thanksgiving! From here on out for a while, it's going to be nothing but Tales From Chicago. And I have a few. Including this one time where I fucked this hot chick from Canada, but you don't know her.

Anyway. We were hosted the entire time by our good friends S. and J., old pals of ours from Seattle, and their cats, Herbert and Dora. I bravely do not feel the need to protect the identities of the cats, you see, mainly because, well, one, they are cats; and two, perhaps someone will kill them for me. For while our hosts are lovely and gracious and kind, their cats are FUCKING POISON to me.

I've had a lifelong allergy to cats. I thought to mitigate this with medication, so before our trip, I coughed up a good amount of dough for some Claritin. No problem! RIght?

Those fucking cats nearly killed me. DORA AND HERBERT? ARE YOU READING THIS, NASTY CATS? I'm still breathing funny! I've stayed with friends before who have cats, and it's never been much of an issue, but this time, it was like some awful histological key party where Dora and Herbert waltzed off with my immune system (played by Joan Allen) and rough-fucked it into oblivion, leaving me, immunologically-compromised Skot, to gasp and cough and wheeze the entire time until I finally wandered the icy Chicago roads only to be electrocuted by a downed power line. (Unfortunately, Elijah Wood was nowhere to be found.)

Stupid cats. Stupid worthless Claritin. Even when I doubled the Claritin dose--knowing full well that when pharmaceuticals get approved for OTC use they routinely halve the dose--it didn't do fucking jack. Here's a sentence that should make for some good Google hits: CLARITIN BLOWS DEAD CIRCUS BEARS. Here's another: CLARITIN ANAGRAMS TO "CLIT NAIR," FOR WHAT THAT'S WORTH! And finally, CLARITIN DIDN'T HELP ONE BIT WITH MY ALLERGIES, BUT I DID FUCK THIS HOT CANADIAN CHICK, BUT YOU DON'T KNOW HER! SO THERE'S THAT!

My fussbudget antibodies are, happily, starting to chill out now that I'm back home, but I can tell it's going to be a while. It's fine, though. It gives me time to ruminate on my other experiences, such as the astounding gay bar known as SideTracks; the utterly appalling theater experience we, uh, experienced; and of course, the gigantic banquet thrown in my honor by many friends who wished to come and pay fealty to their king, which was me. (NOTE: While I am not lying about the banquet, some attendees would not refer to me as their king, and would instead prefer the term "that jittery jackoff.")

Oh, and there was also this hot chick from Canada that I totally banged, but you wouldn't know her.

Roam | Skot | 22 Nov, 2005 |

Note: Comments are closed on old entries.


You promised you wouldn't tell anyone!

Comment number: 006130   Posted by: Hot Chick From Canada on November 23, 2005 05:59 AM from IP:

Oh come on Skot, don’t flatter yourself. Everyone knows THAT chick from Canada. She’s famous for Chrissakes, ay?

Comment number: 006131   Posted by: Lung the Younger on November 23, 2005 06:03 AM from IP:

OMG, Is that you, Skot?!!

Oh, I thought I would never find you again. This is fantastic!!

Little Skottina will finally be able to meet her Daddy!!

I'm coming to Seattle next week. I'll let you know when I get in. Can't wait to see you again.

I've never forgotten you, Skot. I love you.

Comment number: 006132   Posted by: Other Hot Chick on November 23, 2005 09:08 AM from IP:

You're talking about my sister again, aren't you? or was it my mother this time? ooooooh

Comment number: 006133   Posted by: Lala on November 23, 2005 09:09 AM from IP:

Aw, shit, Skot. You said I was the only one. That's it, you know. I'm getting a cat. A big hairy one all covered with allergens.

Comment number: 006134   Posted by: Yet another, apparently, Hot Canadian chick on November 23, 2005 02:09 PM from IP:


Comment number: 006135   Posted by: Hot guy from Canada on November 23, 2005 06:49 PM from IP:

Shit. *He* is, apparently.

Comment number: 006136   Posted by: Jilted Girlfriend of Hot Guy From Canada on November 23, 2005 07:16 PM from IP:

Oh man, now you've done it. This is going to drive me crazy.

What was that movie with the boy wandering around in winter and getting electrocuted.

Comment number: 006137   Posted by: Tzarius on November 24, 2005 01:54 AM from IP:

yeah, Claritin is worthless. Advair will fix up your wheezing though, and how.

Comment number: 006138   Posted by: cleek on November 24, 2005 12:08 PM from IP:

tzarius: the ice storm

Comment number: 006139   Posted by: on November 26, 2005 10:11 AM from IP:

What was that movie with the boy wandering around in winter and getting electrocuted.

Google seems to vote either a) this blog or b) Cabin Boy.

Comment number: 006140   Posted by: Snarky on November 28, 2005 07:29 PM from IP:

The Ice Storm

Comment number: 006141   Posted by: on December 2, 2005 10:46 AM from IP:

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