Hello hello! Your Izzlepfaff experience is BOUND to be more exciting today! Why? Because I have a new computer! And by "new," I of course mean "used!"

You are going to shit your pants over my posts from now on. In fact, you're going to have to go to your neighbor's house, beat him or her senseless, steal their pants, and shit in their pants, then laboriously put their shit-filled pants back on their dead-weight bodies, and then put on your own again, thinking, "Man! I have shit so many pants!" from now on. I'm sorry! I don't make the rules. My gain has come at the expense of your pants. And the pants of your neighbors.

I have moved beyond my little old iMac with OS 8.3! Whatever that was! I now have a slightly less outdated G4! Apparently! With OSX! I guess!

Let me explain. This new iMac--which is a hand-me-down from some lesbian friends, which probably explains the really great wallpaper featuring a stacked blonde in a bikini holding a rifle and wearing some sort of Beefeater hat (no, not kidding)--is what is called, as I said, a "G4," or as those of us hip to the lingo, of G-furr, or also for us Anglophiles, a "Guv'nor." And OSX? Don't get confused. It stands for "Oh Shit Times Ten!" because for anyone who is used to anything else, it immediately makes no sense. In this way, you can sound like a British computer expert, just like me! "Gotcher a new computer, Guv'nor!" "Aye! Blimey! I think I put me hard drive in the rubbish bin!" "Oh shit! Times ten!"

Now don't get me wrong. This thing is adorable. My friend P., who set it all up for me, was showing me this browser thingy called Safari. (Side anecdote: I had asked him, based on geek recommendations, "What about Firefox?" His sheepish reply? "It freaked out on me.") For one thing, the little stoplights up there! Red obviously means "Stop"! Oh. Boy, it sure doesn't. Okay, then yellow means . . . uh . . . load slower? Whoa, page loads! Too fast! And green, I guess, means . . . I don't know. Does it mean, "Carry on! You're doing great!" I think of it as the Encouragement Button. Keep it up, Safari!

These are of course all lies. I got too scared to hit any buttons after my experience with the fucking red one.

Another feature, I am told, is this phenomenon called "tabbed browsing." With tabbed browsing, I can tell this weary machine to start downloading a page, and then, in another tab, start working on a different page entirely! Safari! Go get me this Tubgirl biography! In the meantime, I can check out what's new in evolutionary biology. And also get irritated with Slate! This is rad! It's like having multiple windows open in IE . . . but now I can call them tabs!

It has been suggested that I do not fully understand why this is cool. Which is almost certainly true. In the meantime, I do appreciate why it's called tabbed browsing. For every new one you open up, you get a little canned video of Tab Hunter to let you know what's going on! Hey, Tab! " 'Allo, Guv'nor!" he replies jauntily. " 'Aving a spot of trouble loading your fisting vidjeos!" I love that guy. "Oh shit!" I scream. And Tab, that rogue, replies tinnily, "Times ten, Guv'nor!"

I'm starting to see why Macs are so great. I think it mostly has to do with the racky blonde holding a rifle.