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skot AT izzlepfaff DOT com

Thursday, 03 November
I Can't Wait To Have My Meat Packed!

Hey, November! So here you are! Gosh, it's . . . fucking lousy to see you again!


As if on cue, the weather has turned absolutely fucking miserable these last couple days. I stare up at the grim sky and wince at what appears to be the dire folds of God's great grey striated anus stretched out across the horizon for my nonpleasure, waiting to unload His woe on us. Fuck this, man.

(Look, not to pick on God's butthole or anything. I'm sure it's like the best butthole ever. But I'm sorry, He's getting up there. It's got to be kind of grey. I'm sure He's fastidious and all about this. But grey. Gotta be.)

I know . . . I don't have to live here. It's all just crummy. I just managed to forget that this place is shitty for heating. It's electric baseboard (as opposed to our last place, which was forced hot water)--I considered for a little while about getting an auxiliary heat source. An electric one. Because I'm a fucking genius. Then it was gently pointed out to me that whatever electric source of heat I brought i would probably be financially equivalent to our baseboard heat. Then I killed some adorable babies, because, hey man, fuck this! I'm cold! And, it seems, pretty stupid.

But in only a week and a half or so, I will be relieved of this shit! The wife and I are going on vacation. To the tropical town of Chicago! Hurrah! Fuck this abysmal cold and rain. Think about it: if you're kind of sleepy, "Chicago" sounds like "Kokomo"! (Enjoy that earworm, everyone.) Which means--duh--that it is somewhere we can relax on the beach while Bryan Brown prepares elaborate cocktails for us! Hey, look! Tom Cruise is putting it up Elizabeth Shue's ass! Flip her over, Tom! It's the "Cocktail" thing to do!

We're really looking forward to this. Especially the famed "Lake Effect," where the warming air of Lake Whatchama blows all over Chicago and we all walk on the beaches getting free corn dogs and shit from The Fridge. At least that's what the guidebooks say. We have coupons. "Present this to The Fridge for a free corn dog and shit." (Look, it beats the hell out of Jim McHahon's sauerkraut.)

Here's to dreaming about tropical Chicago! The city of White Shoulders! Who knew that city was so into fragrance? I can't wait.

Note: Comments are closed on old entries.


Hey--Chicago IS only 160 miles or so from Kokomo! Kokomo, Indiana, that is. What's more, you get to drive through Gary, Indiana on the way!

Good times.

Comment number: 006108   Posted by: bikeboy on November 3, 2005 07:40 AM from IP:

Drive-through Gary? Isn't that the nickname of the fella you "experimented" with in college, Skot?

Comment number: 006109   Posted by: TheBrad on November 3, 2005 08:37 AM from IP:

GARy IndiANa
GARy INdiana
NOT louISiana, PARith FRANCE, New YORK, or ROME
but GARy IndiANa
GARy INdiana

Earworm back atcha.

Comment number: 006110   Posted by: Kate on November 3, 2005 10:24 AM from IP:

Not to inject any seriousness into this equation but this year, electric heaters may be a better financial idea than whatever you are heating with now.

Cost of electric is rising MUCH slower than cost of natural gas and oil, and the capability of heating a lone space makes it suitable for someoen who doesn't have to pay if their pipes burst ;)

Comment number: 006111   Posted by: amy on November 3, 2005 11:24 AM from IP:

Eh ... Skot wouldn't have to drive through Gary to get to Kokomo if he didn't want to, though he SHOULD, just because it's a fascinating city.

(I'm a native -- don't start on the murder crap.)

Comment number: 006112   Posted by: Broad on November 4, 2005 06:50 PM from IP:

:gasp: you're here!
:dies in frenzy of preteen celebrity excitement in anticipation of the great ways you shall pan this gray city:

Comment number: 006113   Posted by: on November 5, 2005 10:00 AM from IP:

Oh, Skot. Please tell me you don't really think the northern Midwest is somehow less grey, cold and miserable than Seattle is. I was just reading your post, marvelling at how perfctly you described the shit that is this area of the U.S. for roughly 80 percent of the year, but then I got to the part about Chicago ... oh, I'm sorry you have to go to Chicago in November. However. If you're feeling really frisky, drive through Gary (windows down--smells great!) to the other side of the lake to experience our lake effect: We get the most cold and the most snow! Or sleet!

Comment number: 006114   Posted by: Angie on November 9, 2005 08:54 AM from IP:

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