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Friday, 07 October
I Believe The Chickens Are Our Future

A big issue this week seems to be the avian flu, which, depending on who you listen to, is either an impending world health crisis that could possibly kill millions and millions of people, or is simply this month's particular flavor of gleeful fearmongering. The former view seems to be espoused most prominently by those hilarious jokesters at the World Health Organization, a group of malicious sprites who just last week threw fart bombs into my office and ran away giggling. I later found that they had etched "WASH ME" into the dust of my rear windshield. Scamps! And the latter view is mostly espoused by those who take the sensible point of view that the world, right now, simply could not even remotely be more fucking terrifying than it already is.

Look, I want everyone to relax. Because I have the solution. In fact, it's better than a solution. It is . . . how do I put this? I can only say that it is my gift to all of humankind, even the ugly people.

We must irradiate our birds. All of them.

If comic books have taught us anything--and Hollywood has shown us they have--it is that our genetic well-being and general fucking awesomeness has been enhanced by irradiated animals. Look at Spider-Man, arguably one of the coolest superheroes ever. Radioactive spider, dude.

We have an opportunity here. I embrace the avian flu. Irradiated avian flu.

I envision myself--after a long, debilitating illness--as imbued with the proportionate strength of a chicken. Carried aloft over the city skies by confused hawks who are unable to penetrate my thick hide, I watch for wrongdoers. I see others, such as my wife, sleek and feathered, in a domino mask, ready to fail to fly into the sky to do battle with evil, but flapping like a motherfucker anyway. She's a trouper, and will be known, confusingly, as "Matthew Modine." "See, he was in that movie, Birdy!" she'll try to explain, but evil never listens.

Your best friend will be the Eggman, and with his terrifying, puzzling cries of "Goo Goo Goo Joob!" he will lay mighty Justice-Eggs filled with clever crime-fighting devices relevant to the situation at hand. His little brother will be his ward and sidekick, and will strike fear into the criminal element, and will be known as "Peepsy." The Eggman will always awkwardly deflect questions as to why a rooster is laying all those goddamn creepy eggs, and "doesn't that just hurt your ass like hell?"

Somewhere out in a lonely desert, a shy, awkward scientist will be violently pecked by an agressive, gamma ray-saturated Rhode Island Red. And so the legendary "Incredible Flaps Beakman" will be born, a freakishly strong, bright green beast with terrifying strength that increases exponentially the more scared he gets. His only weakness? Being held upside down by the legs.

(I am assuming that once we get used to this sort of thing, our superhero names will get less stupid.)

We must not shirk our genetic duty--nay, destiny. One way or another, we will succumb to this encroaching threat. How we choose to face it is entirely in our hands. I say we must irradiate the birds to save the man. Homo sapiens is nearing its end. We must become a different kind of homo.

Hear me now, or we will perish.

I teach you the Chicken-Man. Man is something to be surpassed.

Note: Comments are closed on old entries.


"I am Irradiated Bird Flu Man. You are Bit-of-A Cough Boy. You will learn from me."

Comment number: 006056   Posted by: galetea on October 7, 2005 03:30 AM from IP:

You write the scariest things I have ever read.

Please tell me that you do not have access to anyone in any level of the government, because this is a solution I can see being considered seriously, much like intelligent design now, or revamping FEMA with Michael Brown at its head in 2001.

Irraditing Skot Kurruk may be the only way to prevent this potential threat from being realized, and I am not afraid to do that...

Comment number: 006057   Posted by: Jado on October 7, 2005 08:01 AM from IP:

Now be sensible, Jado. I don't think we really want and irradiated Skot Kurruk biting anyone do we?

That's a superhero we dare not even comtemplate.

Comment number: 006058   Posted by: jamie on October 7, 2005 08:26 AM from IP:

"You damn, puckish World Health Organization! I know your dad!"

Comment number: 006059   Posted by: rob on October 7, 2005 10:59 AM from IP:

Love yer site..
All kicked off from Alcatraz.Ho lee hoi, the bloke next door; happened to poke his 'ead out and caught the phlemb full on 'is kipper..

Comment number: 006060   Posted by: the woodford on October 7, 2005 11:21 AM from IP:

Arrg, no way! I am so serious about this Avian Flu! What I'm pissed off at is how slow the gov is at reacting to these things. Due to events that have happened these past few years, the gov are slow at forseeing these things and taking action. But c'mon, compared to the Iraq war that all Times, CNN, and other news publish about, the avian flu news is a tiny fraction of trying to panic people. We have the money- billions, but nothing useful is being done with it. Most people I know, don't even read the news, thus don't even know much about this, or just too self-centred to think about the world.

Comment number: 006061   Posted by: C on October 8, 2005 03:25 PM from IP:

I agree with C. There are matters that we must take seriously and avian flu is one of them. You might find the World Health Organization ridiculous, but there are reasons. Every century, there is bound to have one sort of bacteria or virus, will knock out more than half of the world's population.
If you think the Spiderman's scenario is going to be realistic, are you considering the possibility of evolution? What is the time frame for humans to adapt to accept fatal viruses and bacteria? Wake up and accept reality.

Comment number: 006062   Posted by: on October 8, 2005 05:30 PM from IP:

Maybe I could cheer up those people up there by showing them my Pig 'n' Pancake socks.

Comment number: 006063   Posted by: Kate on October 9, 2005 07:42 AM from IP:

Aw, that's cute. Sorry if I sound too serious. I'm really talking about other people in general.

Comment number: 006064   Posted by: C on October 9, 2005 12:43 PM from IP:

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