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skot AT izzlepfaff DOT com

Friday, 09 September
Free Mumia Stuff!

Sunday afternoon, after our final fucking wedding, we rushed home to meet up with the wife's parents for a little bit. They were stopping by on their way to Jazz Alley to see Cleo Lane with some friends, and yes, to answer the same question that was on the lips of every single person we mentioned this to, she is evidently still alive. They took a few moments to show off their new vehicle: a truly stupendous beast-van that looked like a five thousand pound piece of ordnance manufactured by SkyNet.

"Tomorrow it gets fitted with the lift, so we may have to take some of these seats out," Papa said, peering into its cavernous interior. (Mama has some serious mobility issues, and drives an entertaining little cart.) I thought, Gee, it'd be a shame to lose some of these nine hundred seats. The Duke of Gloucester might have to sit at the kid's table. The thing was fucking immense. Papa proceeded to point out the--I'm not kidding here--29-inch plasma TV, the rear seats that folded somehow into an origami bed, the movable command console, the vacuum cleaner . . . it was humiliating to even walk back into our apartment after seeing the fucking thing. Have a seat on our pedestrian couch! Would you like some cheese? What? Your van has its own cheesemaker? I understand.

The other reason they were there was because the wife and I had also made arrangements with them to buy the car they were offloading in favor of the Behemoth: yes, we're finally ditching the wretched Honda in favor of: a 2000 Dodge Neon sedan. It is purple. The fact that this car makes us feel like we're really hitting the big time, automotively, is pretty telling. It's like going to ComicCon 2010 and proudly waving around our Archie mags, screaming, "Have you guys seen this shit? It's blowing my mind!"

The purple car--which I have mentally christened "Grape Ape," but another friend has also called "Grimace" (available as a vanity plate!)--is, I should hardly have to point out, a complete babe magnet, which has the wife plenty worried, especially since I drive at most about one day a week. "Honey, I don't want you getting any strange pussy while you're driving to Safeway for your ear pills, okay?" I cannot give her any assurances. This mother is so sexy that I won't be surprised if chicks run up to it at stoplights and squish their breasts against the windows in some fever of horniness. I pointed this out to the wife, saying, "I can't help it, baby. This baby is tricked out with cooze control." She pointed out that it was actually "cruise control," but I decided to stop listening to her as I contemplated the sinuous aubergine lines of this most snatch-dazzling car.

Wandered off there, didn't I? Anyway. The wife's folks were really putting us through the wringer with the buying of this magnificent machine, what with their insane demands, like, "WE TOTALLY DO NOT INSIST ON A DOWN PAYMENT!" and "JESUS CHRIST, YOU CAN ABSOLUTELY MAKE ANY MONTHLY PAYMENTS YOU FEEL LIKE, UNLESS YOU CAN'T!" Just seriously crazy shit. We had previously agreed on a price of a few thousand bucks, and now it was going sideways. I said in steely tones, "You wait just a minute, Mister Man," slipping as I always do in moments of tension into the Kathy Bates character from Misery. "I don't know if I can go with this cockadoodie plan."

Pappy-in-law stared at me right back. "All right then," he replied. He pushed an envelope towards us. "See if you like this plan better." The wife opened the envelope, trembling. Inside was the title signed over to us, along with a letter indicating that the car was a gift, free of charge. No down payment. No payments at all. It was ours, free and clear. I glanced up. "I don't know if I can go for this, old man." He didn't budge. "You're taking this car--for nothing--as sure as Cleo Lane isn't dead, I think."

I wish I were stronger. I won't go into the nasty details, but after a lot of back-and-forth, I ended up taking the raw deal. We had ourselves a free five-year-old car with barely 30,000 miles on it. I'd just have to live with the fact that I'd been beaten by one of the best.

It's been a strange week in this way. Just last night, the wife and I were too lazy to worry about cooking dinner--probably still demoralized by our complete capitulation to her parents' insane terms over the car--so we ordered some pizza. Forty minutes later, it arrived.

The delivery guy stammered, "This is actually free. We have you guys listed as 'Super Customers' "--I swear that's what he said--"and I don't know how they choose these things, but it's no charge." We stared at him. Finally I piped up. "Did her parents get to you? Does this have to do with Grape Ape?" He moaned quietly. "Grimace?" I kept pressing him. "The Snatch-Wagon?!" I screamed. "Please, mister!" he howled. "I don't know what you're talking about! Please take your free pizza! I'm worried about the crust getting all gluteny!"

I threw him fifty cents and snarled, "You've got tomato sauce on your crotch." He deftly caught the two quarters and mewled, "It's kind of burny on my dinger." I shut the door on the wretch.

Free car. Free pizza. Something's in the wind, and I'm not sure I like the smell. I can only ride this bitch out to the very end. All I can do is ponder over things at the local bar, drink after soothing drink . . . just waiting for someone to pay for them all.

Note: Comments are closed on old entries.


Sorry if I just posted a blank, there. Fat fingered it.

What I was going to say was:

Hey, even a blind pig finds a nut now and then. You just found two!

Comment number: 006002   Posted by: bikeboy on September 9, 2005 07:02 AM from IP:

I love knowing that pretty much every time I visit your site I'm going to laugh. Maybe these damn free cars and pizzas is the universe's way of paying you back, karma-wise, for what you've been spreading. "Cooze control"? Damn, you've earned that Neon and Meat Lover's.

Comment number: 006003   Posted by: sgazzetti on September 9, 2005 10:58 AM from IP:

"burny on my dinger"

i'm gonna make an effort, this weeekend, to slip that into every sentence i can.

Comment number: 006004   Posted by: cleek on September 9, 2005 12:05 PM from IP:

-not to peevishly sling nasty correctional info into the face of obvious genius, but I am pretty sure that the fat purple behemoth who used to cavort with ronald and the gang was named "grimmis." he of course has gone by the wayside along with the hamburglar, as mcd's tries to shape up their image. anybody noticed how the new ronald is slimmer (no jodpers) and has a not-so-crazy afro these days? he is getting in shape! ..and what will become of the honda?? will we see it on craigslist soon? I must say that I vote grimmis. either that or "purple people eater," which could probably use some cooze control.

Comment number: 006005   Posted by: spinal on September 9, 2005 05:52 PM from IP:

I can die now. The term "snatch-dazzling" has made my life complete.

Y'know, Skota, if Laurie Notaro can find a publisher... you really ought to try.

Comment number: 006006   Posted by: Dembert Schminkey on September 10, 2005 03:34 AM from IP:

i will pay you eleventy-billion dollars if you get the "grimace" vanity plates for the purple neon.

Comment number: 006007   Posted by: candice on September 10, 2005 12:46 PM from IP:

this conversation just goes all wrong when i consider that a female friend of my mine used to have a, uh... "toy"... called the purple people eater...

actually, i guess that's perfect! and "snatch-wagon", sadly, is great.

Comment number: 006008   Posted by: chuck on September 10, 2005 10:34 PM from IP:

"cooze control" is golden. I love coming to your site, it's always brightens this office.

Comment number: 006009   Posted by: Brian on September 12, 2005 12:32 PM from IP:

Good god, I want to borrow your car.

Comment number: 006010   Posted by: Harry on September 13, 2005 09:03 PM from IP:

God, you are usually funny, but this was serious comedy. Every car I own from here on in (well, if I ever own one), will be called the "Snatch Wagon." Beautiful.

Comment number: 006011   Posted by: Amanda on September 21, 2005 10:15 AM from IP:

Did I just call you God?

Comment number: 006012   Posted by: Amanda on September 21, 2005 10:15 AM from IP:

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