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Friday, 26 August
Saturday Morning's All Right For Fighting

FUDD CALLS FOR "ASSASSINATION" OF BUGS BUNNY

In a media conference today, noted outdoorsman Elmer Fudd called for the assassination of noted trickster icon and longtime rival Bugs Bunny.

"We've got the wesouwces," explained Mr. Fudd. "I think we should do it. Mr. Bunny has been a continual thweat to many of the things we hold deaw. He is a weading cause of decawwotization. He is a poisonous pwesence in the opera world. And his twack record with the env--env--env--enviwo-env--it's terrible. He has wuniously distuwbed gopher habitats between here and Albuquerque."

Mr. Fudd responded to questions about the utility of the plan, with some reporters voicing the opinion that Mr. Fudd was simply wanting others to do his dirty work for him. "It's twue, I've been tewwible at my job. More often than not, I end up shooting Daffy [Duck]." Ironically, Mr. Duck was at the conference, and called out in response to the remark, "I'll thay!" Mr. Fudd appeared startled by the comment, which caused him to accidentally discharge his shotgun into the audience, catching Mr. Duck full in the face, causing him to become blackened with soot, and his beak to spin about his head comically.

After Mr. Duck had restored his face somewhat, he screamed maniacally at Mr. Fudd, calling him a "stuttering Progeria case." After a heated back-and-forth between the two, with Fudd responding, "Fu-fu-fu-fu-fu -- scwew you!" In time, Mr. Duck angrily transported himself away from the proceedings to the 24th 1/2 century, and order was restored.

Yosemite Sam was also in attendance as a show of support for Mr. Fudd's controversial suggestion. "That carrot-chompin' varmint needs a slug in his goddam brain!" Mr. Sam exhorted. "That there rodent is a thief, is a liar, is a gol-durned menace! We oughta take him out with ex-ta-reeeeme prejudice!" When questioned by the crowd about his ties to the allegedly race-based militia group White Redheads In Sun Trouble (WRIST), Sam commented, "Now that ain't got a dad-banged thing to do with nothin'. Look, all I'm saying is, I got me a fair complection, and I'm out prospectin' in the sun all fuckin' day. I got melanoma three fuckin' times! But does anyone look out for the red-headed white man? No! Least of all that lapine lunatic. That sumbitch just last year got hold of a bag o' my gold. Woulda gotten it back too, if it weren't for that crazy fuckin' duck."

Cosmological menace Marvin the Martian was unable to attend the conference, but did contribute a statement transmitted via a video feed. "While I remain committed to the destruction of your worthless planet, I wholly affirm the need to first and foremost rid ourself of this lapine meddler. I endorse any and all measures that end the creature's life, preferably accompanied by an earth-shattering kaboom."

Mr. Bunny declined to comment on the conference, and his media handler Roadrunner also brushed off questions with a terse "Meep!" followed by the rapid consumption of a bowl of birdseed before somehow speeding off on a false freeway that was only painted onto a cliff face. Wile E. Coyote was also spotted in attendance, looking aggrieved as Roadrunner made his exit.

"Jesus fucking Christ," said Mr. Coyote. "I don't even care any more. I wish everyone would die. I wish you'd die. I haven't eaten in, like, thirty years. What am I, Solzhenitsyn?"

Additional reporting for this story was provided by Chuck Jones.

Rimshot! | Skot | 26 Aug, 2005 |

Note: Comments are closed on old entries.

Comments

thank you, thank you, thank you. Just easing off from a hard day at the lies factory, and I get a decent laugh.

Comment number: 005980   Posted by: David Tiley on August 26, 2005 12:54 AM from IP: 59.167.78.217

"Earth-shattering kaboom." My Friday just died happy.

Comment number: 005981   Posted by: johanna on August 26, 2005 06:41 AM from IP: 213.28.150.132

The link to this is going out via e-mail to my entire address book.

THIS is why I put up with your inane blather every other day. Totally worth having to read the recount of the birdshit saga

Comment number: 005982   Posted by: Jado on August 26, 2005 07:41 AM from IP: 63.109.229.13

Jaysus toist that's hilarious. I even get it and I'm Canadian.

Comment number: 005983   Posted by: Lala on August 26, 2005 07:44 AM from IP: 198.103.172.9

Porky Pig stutters, not Elmer Fudd.

Comment number: 005984   Posted by: Z on August 26, 2005 08:56 AM from IP: 198.22.100.4

Porky Pig stutters, not Elmer Fudd.

DAMMIT!

*thinks about how to possibly fix things*

*fails*

*wanders away*

Comment number: 005985   Posted by: Skot on August 26, 2005 09:05 AM from IP: 66.150.9.2

No Taz, Pepe, Tweety or Sylvester, eh? Some Foghorn Leghorn would be nice (wink-wink, nudge-nudge).

Very funny. Just recently came across your site. I love it. Keep it up.

Comment number: 005986   Posted by: lefty_grrrl on August 26, 2005 12:11 PM from IP: 207.193.20.26

Ooh, you know what would be cool? A roadrunner-vs-coyote style cartoon, but starring Stalin and Solzhenitsyn. That dastardly Stalin was always up to something! But wacky Solzhenitsyn always made a daring escape! Ah, good times.

Comment number: 005987   Posted by: Robin on August 26, 2005 02:56 PM from IP: 80.3.160.10

You're my friggin' hero. That was awesome. Even with the wrong character stuttering. Still funny.

Comment number: 005988   Posted by: CG on August 28, 2005 12:45 PM from IP: 70.18.206.107

OMG. That is one of the funniest things I have ever read.

Thanks.

Comment number: 005989   Posted by: Allan on September 4, 2005 05:14 AM from IP: 12.222.209.209

TEE HEE!

Comment number: 005990   Posted by: sophie on September 6, 2005 07:07 AM from IP: 203.134.23.74

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