Well, the meat of the summer is behind us, and so are all the summer blockbusters. Or at least they thought they were. What happened to War of the Worlds? Spielberg and Cruise, together again! With that awful little blonde child, Dakota Fanning, the one who always makes me wonder why nobody feeds her or lets her sleep! Oh, how the money . . . stopped rolling in!

(I blame Fanning for purely malicious reasons. This consumptive little wench was born in 1994 and already has 18 fucking IMDB entries. She will either flame out and become, if she's very lucky, Drew Barrymore; if very unlucky, oh, Lauren Tewes.)

And who can forget Stealth? Nobody! Because it's impossible to forget an experience you never had. Me, I'm looking forward to seeing this horror on cable, if only to experience lines like this:

Lt. Kara Wade: "Just tell me you love me, you pussy."

HURRAH! Proposed response: "Okay. I love your pussy." Hollywood, I await your calls.

But nothing seemed to die faster than Michael Bay's latest extrusion The Island, which disappeared with such incredible speed and gruesome efficiency that one began to suspect mob involvement. Which is nice to think about: Paulie Walnuts shoving Michael Bay off of a Jersey cliff? MWAH!

What else is lurking in the wings? Let's see.

Four Brothers

Alternate title: Oh, Brother.

Anyone else remembered when John Singleton was hailed as a major new voice in cinema for his didactorama debut Boyz N the Hood? Since then, he's helmed such horrendous insults as the incredibly awful Shaft remake and, God help us all, 2 Fast 2 Furious, which should be included in the annals of Films Titles That Not Only Describe Themselves But Also The Audiences' Reactions. IMDB says that he's signed on to direct a comic book movie, Luke Cage. (Comic book dorks will know this as the name of Power Man, HERO FOR HIRE! His sailient character attributes were: He's really strong, and he's also black.)

I have already mentally rechristened this film as Box Office Leukemia.

As for Four Brothers, all I can say is: is the mom who gets murdered the same actress who killed the Crystalline Entity on ST: TNG? I think it is. That's how excited I am!

The Dukes of Hazzard

I will let forgo commentary on this . . . this object . . . and let some post titles from the IMDB boards speak for me:

"Disgrace"
"The worst."

And, most damning:

"The General Lee's Doors Opened!!!!!!!!!!"

That's ten exclamation points, people! How they have shamed Redneck Nation.

The Transporter 2

Holy Jesus. Why . . . why . . . I mean, what . . . *paces for a while* . . . what the fuck? What? Why would . . . anyone . . . *long pause* . . . WHAT?

FUN FACT! Take a look at IMDB's cast list. 20 entries down you will see the name "Matthew Modine." Yep! There's no character name actually listed, but right on, Matthew! He's right under "Damaris Justamante" and right above "Todd Nasca." Which, I think, is every actor's dream.

The Cave

Clearly, a misogynistic allegory about the horrors of a woman's vagina. This film should be picketed across the country. Did you see the taglines? "Below Heaven is Hell . . . and below Hell is . . . a woman's vagina." That's just rude.

This filmish thing appears to be no different than, say, Alien or Pitch Black or, really, Friday the 13th: it's your standard "Group of dweebs, stuck somewhere, waiting to be killed/eaten/absorbed/converted to Scientology" plot. But, again, look at the cast!

Credited cast:
Cole Hauser .... Jack
Morris Chestnut .... Buchanan
Eddie Cibrian .... Tyler
Rick Ravanello .... Phillip Briggs
Marcel Iures .... Dr. Nicolai
Lena Headey .... Katherine
Piper Perabo .... Charlie

Holy cow. Cole Hauser? Piper Perabo? I think I'm rooting for the vagina.